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What a glorious feeling it is
to be dead inside.
Rotting like a corpse
on the inside.
When anything falls out, people
quickly hand it back, saying
PUT THAT AWAY.
Dismiss it as nothing important.
I have been handed back my liver.
Lungs.
Kidneys.
Brain.
Stomach.
Heart.
I have been handed back my heart
And told to shut it up
Many times.
Because it does not matter
to the other dust specks.
My heart does not matter.
I am dead on the inside.
Remember?
You just stand there again.
And rant on about
YOUR day and YOUR
problems and YOUR love
life and YOUR dreams
and YOUR obsessions when
you know I am silent now.

Lying on the bed now.
Dying now, Crying now.
Silent. Silent. Silent.
You should understand
my silence now.
Staring at the ceiling isn't listening.
Being vacant isn't listening.
Glaring out the window is not listening.
YOU even said it.
"Do you want to be alone."
Silence. Yes. Silence. No. Silence. Yes.

Why don't you understand my silence?
Why can't you understand alone?
Why can't you understand me?
Why don't you know my silence?
Why can't you just see?
The world is full of noises
And all I want to be
Is in silence right now.
No noise. Gold.
I am sick of hearing
So much noise.
I just want some silence.
Please.
Why do you even try?
With this dystopia of a world?
With these people?
Who would bend over backwards
Just to watch you writhe?  

Why would you even try?
To help those who don't
need anything except
to get off the floor?

Why do you care?
If the people here are gone?
So what? Who cares?
They will all die one day.
Who cares if that's tomorrow?
Why fear the inevitable?
Why be scared at all
Of losing the ones you love?
They're already gone.
I'm sorry for when I called
you an *******.
Even though it was my fault
and I was having a 'bad day'.                                        

I'm sorry I never responded to                                    5
that text.
When you said I was a
good kisser, but I think you too.

I'm sorry I'm short
because of hereditary.                                                 10
Because it means you have
to stoop, I to lean, for us to kiss.

I'm sorry I'm not taller to see
your green-hazel eyes.
The eyes are the window to                                         15
the soul, but I don't have one.

I'm sorry for playing guitar
so badly.
But no one has ever told me to
stop, so I never did.                                                     20

I'm sorry for not keeping tally
on the McD vs. KFC fight.
For the amounts of hits and
misses, each response had back.

I'm sorry for never saying upfront;                          25
I love you.
But you don't love me, because
Who could? Not an angel like you.

I'm sorry for not liking punk music
all that much.                                                            30
I want to understand, but 'Sixteen
Candles' doesn't appeal.

I'm sorry for not crying
at TFIOS.
Augustus was beautiful, Hazel too,                        35
But cancer doesn't scare me.

I'm sorry for not talking about
your personal crisis.
When all I feel I do is
Talk about 'The Other' with you.                            40

I'm sorry for being a
narcissist.
For being me. ME. ME! All the time,
When you are so much more interesting.

I'm sorry for being a                                                 45
*****.
For what I didn't mean to say,
That might have made you cry.

I'm sorry for being a
misogynist.                                                                50
And for hating men too. And
for all I've ever said against the human race.

I'm sorry for sighing
so much.
It's just I'm tired of                                                    55
Everything I do. I'm done.

I'm sorry for talking to you when you wanted
to talk to friends.
But being the gentleman you are,
Didn't tell me to go away.                                        60

I'm sorry for wasting your
time.
When you could have being speaking,
playing, dreaming, sleeping, living.

I'm sorry for you knowing                                      65
me.
And talking to me at all. Because I'm a spider,
Slowly ******* the life out of you.

I'm sorry for existing
here.                                                                         70
Or just existing at
all.

I'm sorry for being
sorry.
Because I know you hate it when I                       75
apologize for the things I say.

I'm sorry for living
at all.
Because all I do is drain your optimism,
And replace it with cynical thoughts.                  80

I'm sorry for breathing.
I'm sorry for writing this poem.
I'm sorry that you know me.
I'm sorry for it all.
L 31-32: I'm fifteen now. So sixteen candles, while the shortened title of a fall out boy song, is also about how I don't want to get to my sixteenth birthday.
L 34: The fault in our stars.
L 40: The sobriquet I have for my depression.

— The End —