As I watch the sun evaporate today
I'm sure you wished it luck
Awaiting its safe return
This is a strange sensation that I'm facing
Bittersweet memories of when you faded away

You've been gone for quite some time now
Leaving true intentions in open view
You only crossed the ocean upon first snowfall
But this transatlantic separation
Has only brought me closer to you

It reminds me that distance was our specialty
Our love cast out into distant atmospheres
Only vagabonds dared to see
And we examined every inch of stratos between us
Connecting all the constellations we perceived

But you cried out for home far too often
And I tried to climb through space far too soon
It seems my courage was only matched by your convenience
A collection of defenses sent out on hot air balloons
A contradiction floating freely to the moon

So while I hold onto every flickering excuse
As you journey through the unknown
I hope you realize how fitting this trip may seem
For the first time you left your worries at home
A step you always skipped with me

Fear
fell into
my lap like
raindrops without the splash

But when I stand
the onslaught I
adopted is
gone

I wish I could forget
Pack my bags and leave my mind
Just for a little while
Maybe then I could find peace
Or anything but this
I need to be released
Get out of this trap
And piece myself together
Run free from such hopeless hopes
And decrease my stormy weather

It's not where you'll go, but the path you'll take.
The friends you'll make and the hands you'll shake.
But what about the hearts you'll break?
The lies you'll tell and the demons you'll wake?
Will you ache in your mistakes?
Or will you grow?
Will you let the path destroy your fate?
Or will you go?

My gut reaction remains the same
shade of grey I remember finger painting yesterday.
The smears cloak my fingerprints
like manuscripts of the negative.
Sharp enough to break through the holiest of sentiments.
It's night two in the dark alone when I call on the ghosts.
Exercise the demons so I may leave the couch at once and turn the lamp on.
Warm bodies approach- blurred yet familiar- radiating only eyes.
Dull and full of assumptions.
I can't respond.
I reach out and watch as effort manifests as motionless limbs again.
Now, my eyes neither open nor closed, identify nothing.
My hands, palms dripping a simple shade of gloom I've come to embrace, greet my brow.
Grey sweat covers this grey reflection and these paintbrush arms I own just want to get up and live.
In color again.

The simplicity I'm searching for
Hides beneath my fingernails
Occupies the dark spaces I refuse to frequent
Consumes the sweet fumes I forget to swallow

I've been told I overthink things
It has never been about mountains or molehills
I always see land big enough for shelter
I do not need reasons
This is what worries me
I hesitate all the time
Then I think I know
Then I know I know
Then I see you in public and you're laughing
And I can't tell if you're laughing at me
So I smile
Not because I want to
But because I think you want me to
And suddenly I don't know anymore
But I wonder if everyone else knows
Or if you know
Then I'm back beneath the mountain
Or the molehill
And I don't give a **** about geomorphology
I just want to see you
walk to the highest peak and shout your name
And watch the echos vibrate off my chest
This is what worries me most

What I need
Is the courage to say exactly what I intend
Believe I already own this certainty
Live within the in between

When a fire starts to burn
It doesn't ask questions
It doesn't make excuses for the rubble

When a fire starts to burn
It sprints in a whisper
It circles the competition- reinforcing fallen timber

When a fire starts to burn
The battlefield is everywhere
The castle conceals the mausoleum
The casualties are nowhere to be found

My gut reaction remains the same
shade of grey I remember finger painting yesterday.
The smears cloak my fingerprints
like manuscripts of the negative.
Sharp enough to break through the holiest of sentiments.
It's night two in the dark alone when I call on the ghosts.
Exercise the demons so I may leave the couch at once and turn the lamp on.
Warm bodies approach- blurred yet familiar- radiating only eyes.
Dull and full of assumptions.
I can't respond.
I reach out and watch as effort manifests as motionless limbs again.
Now, my eyes neither open nor closed, identify nothing.
My hands, palms dripping a simple shade of gloom I've come to embrace, greet my brow.
Grey sweat covers this grey reflection and these paintbrush arms I own just want to get up and live.
In color again.

When the dust clears
and the smoke settles down
I'll live again
take this beating heart
close its holes
turn the volume up
and breathe a little longer
for now

If I could go back
I'd erase those silly arguments we had.
The ones where both of us were right
And neither of us wrong.

If I could go back
I'd buy you more flowers just because
I know how much a single rose
Illuminates your soul.

If I could go back
I'd take you to the beach a lot.
Knowing that your shine would fight
The Sun's rays. And win.

If I could go back
I'd make you smile again
Because your beauty protruded
Through both corners of your lips.

If I could go back
I'd memorize each and every word
You said to me as you walked away.
A token of your memory.

If I could go back.
But I can't go back.
So I'll choose to forget former incidents
And focus on future hazards.

From my bedroom, I imagine what it would take to become nothing. Some days, all I am is the comforter. Others- the mattress. I could waste away and become this bedframe forever. I mean, I've been thinking and what does it mean to be here anyways? I mean, how much effort is required to exist in these tired sheets? This narrowed gaze some called alive once is fearful of the windows now. The walls shrink across these hallowed bones and here is heaven. Spirits rising or angels falling. Here I am. The casket sits below this windowsill where the dust collects and dares me to make the first move. Home is stuck between these rib bones and I've been looking for a way out for a while now. Existing just hard enough for a pulse. Some scattered breaths. Feet face down stuck above the floor boards- quivering towards their next step. Yet I am here. Seem too worried about the timing of it all. And how I never loved the ground enough. Never cherished that fertile soil swelling beneath these feet until it could become me. And what now? Escape this body?  Suffocate under the promises these pillows keep? Or stand.

Yesterday tasted like teardrops
Each droplet the loneliest messenger
The saline was tougher than usual this time
It skipped my cheek bone
Lit up my taste buds like gunfire
And now my mouth is drowning in the vowels tomorrow has to offer

Yesterday felt like monster truck tire marks
On the junk car assembly line
Yesterday never felt this deadly before
Those weapons
The ones with dragons painted on the side
The big purple ones with names like Beast or Destroyer
With fire decals that looked fake enough to smile at
Were real enough to crush us
Crush yesterday
Crush everything we always wanted to be
And I've never been so ready for nothing to exist

Yesterday sounded like daffodils in December
The silence only former lovers know
Each petal looking for one last chance you know it doesn't deserve
Yesterday sounded like a good time to give up
To get the hell out of here
Yesterday makes a fool of the horizon
Pretending there is nothing worth searching for
Like there is nothing left at all

It’s morning
Today hits you in the forehead with a spitball
Grabs you out of bed
Points you to the windowsill
And smiles

You turn around
Bed just out of arm's reach
But today taps you on the shoulder
Leans in and whispers the good news mom used to leave you with at the bus stop
It blends in with the cool breeze for a moment
You go outside
Grab that jacket your grandmother bought you last Christmas
Zip it up right above your bellybutton
And remember the wind can give the best advice

Today brought you your favorite mixtape
The one you left in your high school locker
And today likes the stereo real loud
You cruise with the windows down all day
You drive west
Swear you can beat the sunset
You imagine you're driving a monster truck
And you destroy today
Take everything you ever wanted back
You see yesterday in the rear view mirror as you approach the beach

It's dusk

You smile

You jump right in the water and know there's no turning back

9-1-1, What is your emergency?
I seemed to have lost my sense of urgency.
I froze.
Which is funny, because undoubtedly
You used to be the one cold as ice.
I sat there.
My thoughts hovered around my mouth
But lacked any sort of volume,
Thus remaining a mystery to the operator.
I needed help though.
And usually I turned to you in these situations
But since you fled the scene
Fearing the certainty of an imaginary apology
I turned to the only logical choice left in my semi-delusional brain.
I've been attacked, please help me*
I finally mustered up the energy to form
Sounds similar enough to that phrase.
Just enough so this woman could send me
Someone with the proper credentials and
Experience for such bizarre circumstances.
The policemen arrived.
They investigated the scene.
Doing their due diligence while I laid motionless on the pavement.
They looked for clues.
Studied for anything that could lead them to you.
I guess my words weren't grounded in truth.
And although I knew only one suspect remained at-large
They carried on with no substantial leads or possible breakthroughs.
The only arrest that occurred
Was the false imprisonment of my heart in yours.
There was no bail set and parole will likely be denied.
What a deadly criminal at large.

Darkness loiters the corner store
Across the street from my home
Like a vagabond high strung beneath midnight shadows
A magician of sorts- He stands still
Aware that his presence is unknown
Yet his spirit breaks free at night

Darkness crept through my window
Replacing once radiant sunbeams
He evaporated my senses recklessly
Approaching me with a vicious grin
I went to speak but my words disintegrated
He replied- *It's time your dreams begin

What of the moments we dare to forget?
Are these not the wars worth fighting?

Sometimes my mind leaves behind those Trojan horses

Sometimes I call amnesia home because it feels safer there

Sometimes I wonder whether white flags
are too shy to accept the victory they deserve

And sometimes
my armor falls off
and I feel human on purpose again

The sound of your voice
Approaches my vicinity vivaciously
And your common conundrum
Bangs into my cranium as bongos do
My ears and my mind may be neighbors
But they purposely put up white picket fences
My ears- although adept
Sometimes make a mess
My mind keeps a clean yard
And always takes out the trash

Juxtapose
that monotone heart
with my sanity
and watch my brain melt
the fragments of doubt
you tried calling love

Ready.
           Set.
Are you sure you wanna go?
I've been down this road once or twice before
And this is usually the point where people walk away.
The detour is over there with some lavish getaway at the very end
If you prefer the easy way.
This road gets bumpy from here on out
With fear and doubt as faulty stepping stones
And one false step will steer our hearts
Alone.
I won't lie, this path will be hard to get through
simply, comfortably, in one piece.
But with peaceful strides and open eyes
This walk can become one in which we never need
Undo.
Quite frankly, I wouldn't want it any other way.
For you to stay and traverse this treacherous trail
Without delay for the common concerns
that made all the others disperse
Away.
So let me ask you again-
Are you ready to set forth and go?

My mouth
gazes in disbelief
While my eyes
shout silently.

The power
of your presence
makes my senses
malfunction properly.

And it was there I said I'd meet you.
Under the overpass, your eyes grasping for new ways to say I told you so. And that smokestack heart of mine piled up a few more miles of the most beautiful memories that could fit into my nap sack before the bus left:

When you remind me I'm lip-synching on our car rides to nowhere which is everywhere with you and how I hate telling you I'm wrong.

That smile- and how it wraps around my lips when I try and refuse that lighthouse from ushering me home.

The echoes your laughter makes across the empty dining room and how intentional you spin this sound so I can hear it from the bedroom.

Your left temple- tabernacle and all- leaning against the smoke. Every night.  Not afraid of the fire.

And before I leave you remember that these trips are every bit as permanent as they are temporary. You tell me to hurry home and I remind you that I always am with you. You smile. The Sun screams, raising its voice across your face as we depart and you've never been as beautiful as when you said

People tell me I overthink things
It has never been about mountains or molehills
I always see land big enough for shelter
I do not need reasons
This is what worries me

I am the best at sort of
I think I know
Then I know I know
Then I see you in public and you're laughing
And I can't tell if you're laughing at me
Or just laughing
I'm not laughing because I don't know what you're laughing about
So I smile
Not because I want to
But because I think you want me to
Hope that your giggle is the drawbridge to a conversation I've been dying to have
But you walk by
Barely nod your head and say hi
And suddenly I don't know anymore
But I think everyone else knows
I wonder if you know
And I sure hope not
I've been trying to tell you myself
So I turn back
I swear in my head this was easier
The words just a quick skip down the walkway away
But I stand here
Discussing with myself the things I know I could have done better
But definitely shouldn't have done better
Because the possibilities of better bring thoughts of the worst that I've never envisioned
So I sit down on the pavement
Each passerby shouts another reason why maybe next time won't be like this
But I most certainly will be like this

It shouldn't be this hard to climb mountains
To lose my breathe as I look out at the landscape
I just want to see you
Shout your name at the highest peak
And watch the echos vibrate off my chest
Hope that you shout back
This is what worries me most
What I need
Is the courage to say exactly what I intend
Believe I already own this certainty
Live within the in between

To let go
requires
a long walk
and unclenched fists

*So why does this path take me back to you?

The ceiling launches
vicious missiles
while I lay prone.
Defenseless.

Since when
has my presence
provoked such a
suicidal sentence?

Watch out
For the greatness
That sits
Inside of you

Do not leave it alone
It is not luggage
Not visiting
It does not need your permission to stay

Treat it like family
Like summertime
Treat it well
Like it belongs there
Make it bold
Hold it tight to your body
Make it your body
Live within it every day

Be bold
Be great
Before you forget it is yours to own

Time advances, mightily
As soldiers do on battlegrounds
With no regard for anyone
Some may say
So why do we count seconds down
As they travel forward?
Marching one by one
Through gold or grey
Are we missing out on
The next ticking clock
or the next soldier's walk?
Will we find the might to fight and stay?

approaching Evening
Adam splits

the significance paramount
clouds hit genesis