You don't know who you are
Because the foundation you grew up with
Isn't there any longer
Torn away by the stunning realization
That you drift a bit from the norm

All situations become awkward
You have to think before any interaction
Because hiding is is required
For if your secret gets out
You fear your life will end

Paranoid someone would betray you
You trust nobody
Distancing from friends and family
Scared to let anyone in
If it means risking them hating you

Religion used to be a safe haven
But no longer is it so
For you hear of the church committing horrible acts
Calling you immoral, a greater sinner than most
Simply for how you were born

On the news, you see the homeless youth
And your stomach turns with disgust
Trhwon out of the house for something beyond their control
You are terrified that it could be you
So you try and eradicate the feeling

Sometimes you feel brave
You drop hints to people, trying to reach out
But ultimately, the fear returns
So you pass off what you said as a joke
And feel ashamed for living

But ****** orientation ain't **** to feel shame about
You are who you are
And someday, you will tell the world
Prejudice be ******, you're a man
No matter what they say

Its just past midnight
And the scent of you lingers
Caught in my hair
And my chest, where you laid your head
Smelling of lavender
Pure beauty
And as  I light my last cigarette
I look up towards the heavens
And ask why in the world
You couldn't be mine

Somebody out there
Is fighting a war
And that war is over nothing
But the perceived imperfections
That they find in themselves

Discovering problems when none are there
Without realizing the lack of substance
Just created villains out of air, not understanding reality
But for them, the problems were always there
And they weren't self made, they just occurred

And the war over that which is not real
Is the bloodiest conflict in history
With casualties every day, battles every night
Men and woman, adults and children perish
Fighting for a cause they don't understand
That those on the outside can't see

Because this war is in hell
And hell is a state of mind
And when there, every moment is a struggle
To stay alive and hold back the demons
Swarming through your mind

I am a dead man
Not physically, for my heart still beats
And air fills my lungs
And my mind wanders
But spiritually
After seeing my innocence slaughtered
My trust in humanity shattered
And that unshakable belief that everything would be okay
Shaken
Murdered by a cold cruel world
Where men need a bottle just go get by
Because facing reality is too much to bear
And a woman sits crying
Because her husband is never home
And she has to raise the kids all on her own
Kids who, with the right guidance, would be amazing
But one parent isn't enough
So the children waste away into nothing
Fading away into the monotony
Of existence
Just as I have done

Remember me with joy
Curly hair a mess
Giggling like a child
Loving, affectionate, free

Erase from your mind the wreck that has come instead
Cold, bitter, angry
For it is not how I want to be remembered
I want to be remembered at my best

I feel like crying when someone asks me to talk about myself
And I can only try to explain why
But self reflection tends to only see the bad things
I do not fit in with everyone else like I am expected too
Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I am constantly feeling like
Something is wrong with me, something has been off since I was born
And I am just finding out about it now

This is why I push away people
As quickly as I push away my meals
And why even now I sit here in tears typing away at a ****** poem
Or why scars cover my thighs and baggy clothes hide my figure
Why everyone I had known since a child slowly forced me out of their lives

So when someone asks me to talk about myself
These things are what come to mind, but
Overwhelmed with a feeling a failure, I still manage to sell a shy smile
And say something simple like:
"I like to sail and run cross country"
Because that's what they want to hear,
And I will wait until I meet another person that will ask, and maybe
I'll fork up the courage to spill everything out,
But probably not, I feel pretend

I fall in love with impressions,
Fingertips on fickle flesh
In a shroud I sit
As these wisps rise
In a tantalising spiral

Smoke encircles the crevices
In my palms and in my fingers,
Then dances into my nostrils
And I am choking
Retching up blood

I cannot keep breathing much longer,
Coating my heart in tar