thought i'd be fine to try it out,
but instead, i shut myself down
you took it all back and said it was a mistake,
but i know better than that-
nothing fake about it
and now i feel like everyone i never thought i'd relate to;
listening to songs i never thought would be about you
i always thought i'd be okay alone,
but what's worse is the thought of you
not being alone while i am

all i've realized is that life is colder than expected,
as lonely as winter, and even more destructive

it's hard to fall asleep without your touch,
even just one body part- our feet or our butts
everything that used to make me feel safe
leaves me feeling crushed

if you want someone who's broken, here i am
you never communicate, so i'm left guessing
i'm competing with a screen,
so i'll log off and shut down
how can you not read me?
or maybe you can..
either way, i'm left in silence,
but inside, i'm wailing

not one word is mine
there's nothing left to say
that hasn't already been said a thousand ways
if someone were to crack open my skull,
quotes of Palahniuk, Salinger, and Plath
would be spinning in a metaphorical blender,
mixing and morphing into a multitude
of depression and life lessons,
wisdom and just plain nonsense
all of which has already been said
i'm exhausted

never before have i been woken up by my anxiety
never before have i known a sadness so deep
never before could i have imagined this feeling
or the fact that once it hits, it takes the rest of your life to melt away
why couldn't i tell you how special you were to me?
why couldn't i ******* pick up the phone on 4/20?
you're right, i'm nothing,
and you were something i could always count on,
but never took advantage of
someone everyone could depend on if they needed to
you were always there and that's why i couldn't see you
i grew used to your distance and your constant pain
just like i've grown used to my own,
but i didn't know you had grown fed up,
filled with anger and trauma
from those who should have loved you most
there are so many things that were sacred to me
that i can no longer enjoy
and you're at the top of that list

Bukowski says "find what you love and let it **** you"
and i've done just that
like Snow White and the poison apple,
what was once flashy and alluring and right in front of my nose
has been consumed and is now a masticated pulp fuming rancid
smoke into my lungs
from the deepest pit of my heart
no prince's attempt at true love's kiss can pull me from this coma
i'm in love with the darkness and my enduring hope for light
a light so bright that it will illuminate my veins, my troubled thoughts
will change from knots
into silk chains,
but until then, i'll comfortably rest in my summertime sadness

i want to be the goddess that i know is within me, but i feel like just another blurry face, a passerby on a crowded sidewalk
i want to display unconditional love and understanding because that's all i've ever wanted shown to me
there are so many beautiful things that i want to say, but i'll cry if I say them
their beauty overwhelms me
that's the effect I want to evoke
like a garden angel, the light I shed will illuminate all shadows that meet me
my voice will flow gracefully and gently like honey
people will shield their eyes from my beams, but i'll soon make them able to face anything
the warmth within my heart will be powerful enough to spread to others, and their warmth will spread too until there is peace or at least piece of mind

sometimes i think about you so hard that my head shakes
back and forth, "no"
disbelief that you're as perfect as i make you out to be
both our minds and hearts connected by strings
each time i tug away, you stand fast
and each time a vibration occurs along one of the strings,
i know you feel it too
i've gotten to know each piece of you, but not each part
the terrifyingly beautiful way your mind works,
but not your seemingly gentle, yet powerful body
see, i've gotten close, but not once close enough
i have this recurring dream of tugging at both of the strings
so forcefully that you'll spin towards me in a matter of seconds
such velocity will cause the strings to tangle with one another
and we will be forced face to face
to face something we've ignored since we found it
but for now, i miss you

listening to love songs
hoping that i'm not wrong
kissing you goodnight
going back to sleep and dreaming for a week would be so nice
he's in my darkest nightmares,
holding me when i'm scared
the end is all i think of
smiling for the pictures as he wipes off my tears
i know this is real love
...
sitting in his old car
looking up at the stars,
hoping one will fall
getting high and drinking will ease us from this thinking
give me a break
i'm staring into his eyes
now his lips are on mine
this is my heaven
"take me back to your place"
yearning for his embrace
said he'd love me always
...

we fell asleep holding hands
you told me you loved me more for the tenth time this week
now i'm weak

we fell asleep holding hands
i listened to your breathing go from calm to complete slumber
woke up to you on tumblr

we fell asleep, legs intertwined
my feet lost all blood flow, but I didn't pull away
because yours were there to stay

we fell asleep, legs intertwined
our minds drifting further into dreams
somehow, you're always closer than you seem

i keep secrets about people in the form of poetry
i guess that isn't really keeping a secret at all
it's more of an anonymous expression of truth
except that the writer can reveal themselves
whenever and however they see fit
and the content is subjective to anyone who reads
take the subject and apply it to whatever you please
morph it into shapes that fit perfectly into the cracks
of your heart, your imagination, your unanswered questions
what's more is that you can then take the pen into your own hands
compose stanzas of what you cannot say out loud
liberate the heartache

i haven't been able to write lately
haven't been able to place my finger on a single, fleeting emotion
before it is whisked away into nothingness
the vocabulary within me is surely going to waste
as i grasp at straws in attempts to make them grow into beanstalks
these days, i'm not sure if i'm happy or sad,
but the uncertainty is enough to keep me busy for now
i'd rather not know one side more than the other,
but what i do want to be sure of is how you feel about me
i can be the goddess of the sun of your tantalizing universe
or i can be but a speck of dust leftover in a dark recess of your mind
and you can be either of those to me,
but in the end, i'll always prefer warmth over isolation

i should have fought,
i should have heard
your cries for help
behind your words
i should have stitched
your shattered heart
if only i'd known
just where to start
you carried so
much heavy pain
and now we're left
with all the scars
we loved you so
because you
showed us
who we
really
are

go ahead,
give up on me then
what are you waiting for?
i heard the warning, so teach me a lesson
i am sand and broken glass
slowly slipping through your fingers,
but you're the one spreading them apart

i really should have known
eventually, you'd tire
of grasping me so tightly

i've now heard the sound of true love,
incomparable to any other "love" i may have previously encountered
i've felt the real thing, but never been sure
whether love is the drug, the sickness, or cure
its sweet music came to me by way of a fairy
it tapped me on the shoulder and told me to hurry
so there i was, in pursuit of the sublime,
following around a fairy the size of a dime
it leaped on leaves without any trouble
lighter than air, a feather, or bubble
and was able to float around freely
at this point, i thought i was dreaming,
but i kept racing as fast as i could
while the tiny green sprite led me deep in woods
when we got to what felt like the center,
it motioned and told me to enter
confused, i asked it where i should start,
but before i could finish, it opened its heart
quite literally, in fact
with a small key and a lock and a latch
on a door that swung open to reveal
the sound of something that, up until now,
i thought i could only feel
it vibrated through every cell within me
like the heat of a fire scorching the throat of a chimney
it left a scar that is only visible from inside
it stripped me of my ego and overactive pride
it wrapped me up in a tornado of tones
and made a nest in my mind, so i'm never alone
when i hear its call, i know the fairy is near
delivering love from its heart to my ears
and reminding me that there's nothing to fear
except the silence of hatred that can last for years

it's over
and now we'll never speak of it again
at least not to each other or to anyone we know
not to our parents, strangers, or foes
let's get together and not say a single word
at this point, it's best we're both unheard
outside in this eternal sunshine,
we will bask until our skulls house spotless minds
we will lie there with no intention of leaving;
not until both of our hearts have stopped bleeding
only then will we rise and be able to lock eyes
one final time before fleeing