am i starting
to lose sight
of what's within?

i am beggining
to reminice
such melancholy
which made me happy,
doleful, loathful and
insane.

yes,
after that night
after that fated
day, that "yesternight"
i was filled with tears,
tears, sadness, tears,
and again,
tears.

beside the
lonely,
busy
streets of
felicity,
i pondered
wondered
and then
discovered
that i was too
naive, too wicked
to say i like you
when i'm not
allowed to.

along those usual
corridors and doors
i wait...
when i needn't have to.

inside the sunlit
room i witness
your smile and
for a while
i get to be happy
and then lonely
knowing i can't
have and hug you
for fate won't let me to.

gratitude always
engulf me
for i have met
such an annoying
yet sweet "you"
not-so-good-looking
not-so-good-sounding
yet full of tragedy "you"
always doleful
but never loathful "you"
filled with cries
yet full of smiles "you"

i know i'm way
too selfish to say
i like you
but i want to
be your friend,
a good, sweet
and caring one at least

on this day
shall i mark
a "supposed" endless
friendship
so steep
and never stark bleak.

~thought
~was healed,
but then
~wasn't.

t'was a cold
rainy night
when i began
loving you
too much.

t'was another
summery night
when i began
doubting "me"
too much.

one query and everything
was bewildered
t'was too perplex
to be answered.

one poem
one letter
one word
was heard
and all were
better.

"if ever i fall
in love with
another "him"
shall everything
be the same?"

he answered...

"either with a smile
or a vile
gratitude would be
my sire...for in such
quick moments
i had you to
love me...everything will
be...till love comes
again
and friendship shall
never end."

...i am made.
...carrying such burden.
...i am made.
...thinking i was broken.

...i am here
...all alone
...in a dark valley
...of tears
...all alone
...in an unreciprocated
...appreciation
...all alone
...in this nightmare
...seemingly a dream
...seemingly...

...i was there
...but
...now i am here
...here where no one
...sees
...where no one
...wonders
...ponders
...and where no one
...is alone
...but me.

this is the
hundredth and
two

a poem about
me and you.

suffering, crying,
and hyperventilating.

from the sound
of the unwanted
truth.

hoping that every
sound, words, and
flickers,
would shine light
to what we had, we have
and we won't have.

and yes
this is the hundredth and
two,
and here i am,
saying
i love you.

i was under
the moonlit sky
no lies,
but,
full of cries

he was under
the sunlit
yet rainy
sky
no doubt,
he could be
mine

maybe both sides
wouldn't have been
so seen..
maybe both sides
were so close
that my happy pill's daily dose
is way too much

then i gave in
i told him
after he did
we reciprocated each other
no need to be bothered

but then
again
i told myself
i can conquer him
but not now,
tomorrow,
nor today
but maybe
when the heavens
and times
would let me
so he is.

something bloomed
last Friday
it was beautiful
so powerful
rain showered
and it was a
flower.

as for someone
who is never alone
but always is
as for someone
who is always messy
but never is
as for someone
who is never silent
but always is
and
as for someone
who always love
but never feels he is
i witness how your
eyes say your mind
and how your body
says you're not.

let's simply pull
all remarks
all misunderstanding
and turn them
into happiness
that's so far...
never ending.

let's push our limits
and become the unwanted
by our ancestors
but kind of people
our innerselves clamor for.

with every word you say
and every note i sing
will always bring
us with "yes's" and "no's"
but maybe "do's and don't's"

the day was tiresome,
we had to rush stuff
and we needed to
recuperate ourselves.

the day was too short,
it was lacking some
things that were left
unsaid, unheard, and
unshared.

the day was too frigid,
our hands were shaking,
our bodies weren't entwining,
but tears came down
pouring.

the day was laughable,
smiles and chuckles
filled our sad faces.

but, still...

she was never happy
with how she ended
everything about him.

she was all
but lonely,
when she bid
her last farewell
with silence
and greetings,
with wishes
and expectations.

she hopes to see
him soon.

she tried to understand,
even if it meant nothing
to that person,
knowing
everything's
a given,
"a...given."

this event severed
her.

this event killed her.

an entire moment
of silence
which led her towards
the art of perverse
glamour
lead her to bed.

there goes this
loud noise.

she witnessed it
with those two ears.

she heard those
smirks.

she lived her
love for that man.

she gave him
her everything
in return,
she received nothing.

a 2-minute call
wasted her two years,
wasted?
hated?
destroyed?
ruined!

he said
he hates her.
she said so too.
he said
he cant trust
her any longer.
she said so too.
he said she doesnt
understand him.
she said so too.
he said she was
really immature.
she said so too.
he said she never cared.
she said so too.
he said she irritates
him, a lot.
she said so too.

scared and crying
she apologized and
asked to make up,
he said so too.
she asked him
not to leave her,
he said so too.
she said she loved
and she loves him.
he said so too.

she was the first.

why had i been
so caught up
with every piece
of this felicity?

i love you so much
to the point of
losing my friends,
my family,
my blood,
my love,
and myself.

but
never did you
ever did what i did
never did you
ever feel what i did
never did you
ever love me like
how i did.

crossing those
wildfire bridge
he cried

feeling,
indulging
every sweet
sensation
such display
gave him.

thus,
that ephipany
remained.


he was stunned
and eventually
danced
from happiness
that florished
from those lovebirds'
tragedy.

the well
was deep
and hollow.

was dry,
harsh, and
no wallows.

was empty,
hard, rough
and tough.

was sad,
bad,
and red.

was uncertain,
unknown,
doubt.

where her voice,
cries and shouts
were rejected and
and full of unimaginable
clouts.

a "yes"

i cant touch the keys
i cant touch the strings
i cant touch literary
i cant touch eevrything
i cant touch them
i cant touch him
who once did,
i cant touch me.

"us"
at first, twas good,
me, him, everyday
is fun-filled,
so thrilling,
those enormous
subjective emotions
which rush from
his spine
to mine.

those vigorous
sweatful and youthful
days were lit,
firey, no trickery and mockery.

he doesnt understand
me before,
but he tries,
he says he'll try
and the he tried.

but now,
"us" came crumbling down,
too loud! too loud!
oh such a frown!

i dont know,
maybe i missed him too much,
not talking,
communicating,
seeing,
and smelling each others
scents and humor.
i feel he s moving,
in a backward and sad motion.
he draws attention,
that most cant do,
he draws companies,
that most cant do,
he is subjected to every crowd,
that most cant do,
even being stupidly being chased
by the homecoming,
that most cant do,
and even I cant do.

he ia far too wise
far too nice,
far too dark
and very apart.

he closed his doors
for my rants,
for my sounds,
for my music
words, and love.

i thought he is the one
and i still believe that
he IS that one person
who can share
these unapealing
sounds at night,
these unsightly
paints of gestures,
these seemingly
truthful facades,
these explicit and
exclusive love.

i wanted to go far,
far from where he belonged.
i wanted to go near,
near to where he resides.

i wanted to tear
this contract,
i believed, has faded.

now,
if i did do it,
what comes next?
sorrow?
this grief i must hold,
this woe i must cease,
this beauty who once
loved me i must leave,

either i disappear
or i will leave
this kind of habit
he became.

i wish i wasn't
i wish you weren't
but.

he's a walking
narrative
of us,
of him,
of me.

a constant,
living reminder
that love
was austere,
pure,
and no blur.

an unending
breathing story
of how she used
to love
and how he used
to love.

broken and ended
still and calm.

at first.

when i see you
i see phosphenes
vivid as daylight
colorful and bright

when i hear you
i hear you bombinate
with intricate
notes and melodies.

when i love you
i love "you"
you so happy
you so lonely
you my felicity
my manly
paragon
of happiness
sorrow with
all sorts of rainbow.

everything was
foreign
everything was
loudly silent.

those flat lines
made her burst
into tears and
blood.

those tears
like rain
dried from above,
hurt her more
than having
a broken love.

he shared his book,
she listened to his stories.
he shared his music,
she wrote him notes.
he shared his poems,
she sang him words.

he mentioned the labyrinth
she remembered it all.

yet,
what he's uncertain,
or say, untold,
was that
she had her own
well.

he ran away
she stumbled,
struggled,
and was baffled.

she was drowning,
not because she didn't
know how to swim,
but because the tides
were too high.

she was crying,
they didn't know
that she was,
even him.

she was dying,
they can't see
and hear
what she is
and what she has,
how she is
and how
she was.

she held out.

beyond the beautiful
vast blanket of stars,
underneath the gleams
of fireworks and
shooting stars,
some sort of
miscommunication
therefore bloomed
like a nightsky's
sudden gloom.

some sort of a knot
tangled itself
and
gave her and him
some forlorn kisses
and goodnights.
trying to hide
every tear in
their eyes
resides.

some sort of happiness
then showered
from the scent
the candle wicks made,
then they clamored
for endless love
and beauty,
for eternal friendship
and clarity.

tonight was cold,
indeed.
tonight was short,
indeed.
tonight was lovely,
indeed.
tonight was lonely,
indeed.

i should have known
better
about the latter.

i should have anticipated,
not all efforts
were equally
reciprocated.

i hope tomorrow's
good and would
be little less lonely,
for you are all
i seek,
your hugs are all
i need,
you comforting words
are all
i want to hear
and let me bear
the pain of losing him,
not you but
"him."

from the very
first night
we shared
these bearable
adorations
these happy
emotions,
i was so happy
i hope you were too
i wasn't desperate
like you were too,
i wasn't expressive
like you were too.

we both were
playing it safe,
way too fun
way too out
of the "ordinary"

beyond what i know
there lives this
competition within you
there lives this
confusion succumbing you
there lives this
remnant of what's before
the beautiful execution
of pure moving on
from such twinny tragedy
from such uncalled happening

and i am now
regretting
that something took
place last september
and all i can remember
is that i felt the "feels"
of such sudden forever.

words can't
sentence how
it hurt her.

music can't
stitch her broken
part.

his presence
may or may not
prolong her
agony,
despair,
and misery.

in his eyes
there live
traces of
sadness.

her actions
push him away
which her mind
can't tell.

he does want that
but she, she wants
it too.
suddenly,
something came out
of the blue.
why is he still
holding onto her?
why is he still
waiting for her?
why is he still
loving her?
she wasn't irreplaceable.

twas a sunday afternoon
when he went out
on a tour
just to make up for
the lost time
and leisure.

twas under that postlit
shade when i
started to pick
words under Joker's
and truth lower
than any mundane
encounters.

after crossing
those tiring stairs
i laid my body
and started to worry
after telling him
that i hate him so
after all those remarks,
so poor, said i
it took 20 minutes
for me to realize
that it was either
love or attachment.

tears did drop
though everything
was but a false claim
though everything
was still the same
and still will remain
because deep down
i know that
it is either
attachment or
love.

1st
i missed him
his peculiarity,
his felicity,
his solitude,
his kindness,
with scintilla
of him
being rude.

2nd
and then
once again
we were reunited
then feelings
were tad red.

3rd 4th 5th
everything went
on and on
taking each other's
turn

friday
stuff happen
fastly seemingly
slowly
creating more fondness,
likeness, and mess

friday night
there she says
how long everything
could, would, or should
last
the epitome of
calendared,
targeted,
earned,
and wanted
"love."

a dear friend
mentioned about
how to
redirect the stars

a dear she
thought me
how to make
something
from those
stars

but
a dear he
told her
to enter
a beginning
from the amusing,
entertaining,
stitched and
loved ending.

she was for he.

we had our
ups and downs
we fell and we dropped.

we understood
we fought
we cried
we made up
we laughed
and we
loved.

yes, we did.
something's off
isn't it enough?
being honest,
yes it is.
being truthful,
what's with
this sad truth?

is it me
or is it you?
did we both change,
or it's only me?
who's trying to conceal
her facade, he can't fathom
her sorrow, he always show
and her tears and sobs,
that he can never see,
never hear.

my heart tells me
to send you away
to stay away
to look for another
someone, another
love
but a part of me
doesn't want to
let you go.
but,
if you're hurting,
you're sad
because of what we
had,
please do inform,
please say it,
straigh to my face
that everything is gone
and i shall move on

thus, i shall
find for another someone
another man
whom i can, again,
love, like all the guys
i've ever loved and had.

and you must become
one of them,
one of the past,
but, just bit
hurtful and doleful
for me to look back
onto

what now,
has become of us?
what now
has happened to us?
though, there was
never an "us"
there has always been
this uncalled fantasy,
lonely reality,
pure emphaty,
blurry clarity,
imperfect friendship,
perfect mistakes
and clear remakes
of what we did
of what took place
from before
till now.

i've chosen
to remain
and retain
what's now.

you've chosen
the same thing.
now, what?
you never chose this
but you chose "that"

she remembered
what happened
on that cold
dawn...

she was so drawn
to this "he"
indeed there are others
but they were
seemingly alone.

again, on that
frosty morn
she was stunned
she was stupefied
from that atmosphere
so calm, so tranquil
he did something
and she was blushing,
tad red, she was
and from that
scurried glance
there filled his eyes
with the sight
of satisfaction
and affection.

there blossomed
illicit love
last spring,
approaching summer,
nearing winter,
repeating the cycle,
twice for now,
we don't know
what's for later.

what her love was
she purports
but he said
twas spurious
and he's curious
how she can say
something in such a way
he would't understand
for she can never
truly deliver
the truth
which her mind speaks
but her body
won't let her be.

during this
lovely epoch
she so seeks,
from those
wistful streets
she walks with him
she hears
the sonorous,
imposing sound
of silence.

with each words
resonating
within their
inner selves,
after every step,
indulging
such ephemeral
such denouement
they've long foreseen.

she was too
nefarious
for this man
made of
flowery words
sly actions
and
warm hugs.

deep, it's way too
deep to sink it,
way too inconceivable,
way too much
to comprehend,
to understand,
to interpret,
what those words
meant
what those phrases
were for
was it something
to be hated, or
adored?

now, what do i have
to feel
from this surreal
sensation,
way too superb,
absurd as it is?

those phrases
was it to hurt me?
or encourage me?

thus,
t'was meant
for nothing more
nothing less.

of course
it comes
and it goes
leaving you with
multiple scars
multiple marks
but less pain
less happiness
less dainty as it is.

of course
we are free,
we all are
though some
might have
borders, boundaries
oh, for all i care
everything seems
lifeless, all misery,
trickery and
fair and square

as he began
to once again,
drive her to
insanity,
she began to
crumble,
stumble,
and began to
fall.

she then saw
the shining,
sharpness
of the needle
of a newly bought
spinning wheel.

she mumbled nonsense.

he wasn't there
nor he would be.

he can't be there
nor he could.

he chose not to
nor he thought of so.

the sanity was far,
far from reach,
far from this eternity-
entitled suffering she had.

she was hurt.
nope. she was
mad.

she pressed her finger
towards that waking needle.
t'was pleasurable.
she pressed? nope,
she pushed her arms
towards the warmth
of the sharpness of
that newly bought
spinning wheel.

she dropped.

even if
the stars can't
grant
my wishes

even if
superlatives
can't stitch those
broken pieces

even if
freedom
can embrace those
lived boredom

i still care
for this pair

i still live
for this "she"

i still thrive
for whatever it is
that he will leave
behind.