Step one: get very drunk
Repeat step one as needed

Cry for them
Cry for yourself
Cry because you are alone

Now try to move on
Commit to it
Don’t think about them
For three days you didn’t
And then something reminds you of them
Repeat step one

Tell yourself you were never in love
Tell yourself you will never fall in love again
Agonize over everything you think you did wrong
Blame yourself

Get mad
Blame them
Blame god

Repeat step one with friends
Repeat step one alone

It has been a month and they haven’t crossed your mind
And then you run into them
And you’re fine
And you are free

Now fall in love with somebody else and do it all over again

I’d make an awful stargazer
While you looked up at the sky
I would gaze at you
And wonder at the universes
Which lay behind your eyes

There is no more sky
No more blue
Endlessly stretching forth
No more fast clouds or silver linings
No more storms or stars
No more wind in my hair
  There is a six foot barrier
And a velvet lining and a wooden box
Which I can't think outside of anymore

I see the skies of life and
Marvel at the sight
I cannot bear the magnitude
Of the atmosphere's embrace
As I fly across the horizon
I strive to express the ineffable
I wish to grasp what nature will only insinuate
To squeeze the juices from the universe
Like the proverbial lemons given to me
I dare to ride the wild skies
Bucking and turbulent
The splendid experience
To which I return again and again
Allowing fear of the unknown to wash over me
Only to tell her I love her
And I do not wish to escape her grip
Which I have known since way back when

I miss you constantly
I miss you more than that, I bet
I miss you even when I’m sleeping
I miss you when I’m sad and my whole body shuts down
I miss you when you died
I miss you when you resurrect
Well I miss you when I die too
And I  miss you when I shiver
I miss you when my mind travels to the moon and back
And I miss you when I’m the only person who exists
I miss you when the rest of the world fades to black
I miss you when I feel the rain on the grass
And I miss you every time I sigh
And I miss you right now
I miss you when I’m restless
I miss you when I’m scared
But most of all I miss you in the moments between dreams and waking when I realize you’re not here with me

Feels like you have a grip on my heart
And I have somehow pulled free
But the shadows of your fingerprints remain
And I move on and try to move forward
Please retire your bedsheets and leave me alone
I did not sign up to be haunted
You turned out to be not what I thought
And everything I never wanted

I woke up this morning
And your were on my mind
So I wrote this poem
And it’s all about you,
Every word
Every line
You’re a natural disaster
But sometimes I still wish you were mine

If I can’t forget you
I’ll sweep you under the rug
With the rest of my mistakes and regrets
But I don’t want to remember
The way that I felt
The way that you still make me feel
Because how can it get better
If nothing is changing?
I’ve tried everything
I don’t know what else to do
So I cut all our ties
Set our bridges on fire
Walked away without looking back
And sighed with relief
Because I went a day without thinking of you

I’m drunk, and only getting drunker
Like the days ahead are only getting darker
Please don’t let the lights go out

If you see this, I am speaking to you
Directly to YOU
Yes YOU!
I want you to know I forgive you
I want to forgive myself
But I never do
I love you
More than I love me
And some days I wish I never met you
That I could reach into my brain
And pull the strands of you out
So many bits of memory
And then forget you

Look at me
I am a mess
I am anxiety
I am the unfolded clothing shoved in drawers
I am the dust you can’t reach on the ceilings of your mind
I am the galaxy born from the disastrous explosions in your eyes
I am the first love
I am the park bench you last saw me on
I am an embrace after twenty years gone by
I am the funeral that buries all emotion
I am what keeps you from being okay

Play it
Play the song
Hear it
Ringing
Bit by bit
In your ear
In your heart
Beating
Humming
Singing

Trust me
I know how it feels
To be surrounded by the people who say they love you
But the pain they cause
Is proof enough for me
Love shouldn't leave me feeling empty
Like I have nothing left to give
Or live for
Fear none, fear me
Come one, come all
And see the misfits in all their glory
Misery and company
And spent nights alone
Then glare back at the TV
Something is staring out at me
Like the stars I gazed at
When I was younger
But no more looking back
I grew up without roots
So now I wander free
And spend my days
Wondering about the forests that I see
What it's like to love your friends and family

I am selfish
I do not wish to share my bed
To share a toothbrush
My morning ritual, coffee and a shower
I do not wish to share my life
I do not wish to fall in love

But I will
And I will share heartbreaking fears
And secret desires
And mine will become ours
And I will become we
And it will get easier to share
Love will make me wish it so

just because it would be a disaster
doesn't mean we shouldn't try
and see what happens

so what if we do crash and burn?

it will be lovely to go down
in flames with you

Alone




Echo.




Alone



Alone.



That is true enough.


I don't like it.....

I want to find happiness. It only comes in packs of two. Who can I share it with?

Not her. Not her. Not her. Not you. Not her. Why not her?

Fill. Dig, and fill again.

Holes so deep. Six feet down.
Holes so deep. Beyond the sound.

Alone. Together. But always alone. Never alone. Never together.

Listen, even now. We are together. You see this. You feel what I feel.

My heart beats. It beats. On and on and on.

Like a drum. Like hummingbird wings. Pulsing and racing.


Slow down. Slow down. Slow Down!!!!!!

There are no brakes. There are no breaks.


Alone. Alone. Alone. We feel like we are forgotten. Strewn aside. Unloved and unwanted.

Sorry for wanting more. Sorry for wanting what I want. Sorry for having a heart. I know that it was hidden for so long. But it is here now. Here. Hear. Hear it, hear it beat.

Sorry for being a constant. Sorry for always changing but never leaving. I will always be here. I will drop anything or anyone for you. Anytime. If you would just call my name. Just say you want me too. I am yours.

Sorry that we are alone.

I am shaking and sweating.

I lay in my bed. I feel completely overwhelmed.

I don’t know how to handle my situation.

For so long I felt like I was holding a breath underwater.

I thought it would all be ok when I made it to the surface.

Now that I have, I realize there is still a long swim to the shore.

It is not ok yet. I am not fine.

I feel like throwing up, like putting my fist through a wall.

Like crying.

Like swearing.

Like spitting and scratching.

I feel like there is no way to not feel this way.

I feel like I am caught up in a current and it will sweep me away.

It would be easier to just let it.

So much easier to just be dragged under.

I feel like screaming.

Like kicking.

Like digging in my heels.

Or like going limp.

The stress is getting to me in ways you would not believe.

I have no release.

No escape.

My soul will not be soothed.

This is so frustrating, this, life.

I can’t quit.

I have to keep going. The option of giving up isn’t even there for me.

I don’t feel ready.

I don’t feel adequately prepared.

I feel resentful.

I feel spiteful.

I feel angry and sad and sick to my stomach.

Like nothing is ever going to make sense, and how funny it is that it all seemed so clear.

My head is pounding. My eyes are red and puffy.

All I can do is write and sleep.

I am helpless right now.

Emotionally worn down to nothing.

Unshielded.

And I don’t like feeling this way.

Feeling like my armor can be pierced.

Like I can be defeated.

Like it is all too much.

I don’t like it and I don’t know how to deal.

I don’t know what to do.

Indigo echoes blue

The color of the sounds you make

The sweet light waves

Running the horizon

Bouncing off the sky


I cannot control myself

The colors surround me

My perception diffracted

My eyes half open

The glimmer of music


Listen closely

You can see it too

Retain the feelings

Forget the thoughts

Shades of noise

This is not a cry for help
I don’t need your sympathy
This is not a battle cry
This is a not a symphony

I’m not asking you to listen
I don’t want you to care
I am lying through my teeth
Living out my worst nightmare

I don’t try
To wear my heart on my sleeve
I won’t cry
Just please won’t you leave
Won’t you leave me to die
Alone

This is not a song about you
I don’t think about you that way
This is not a hymn in church
This isn’t just another day

I’m not asking you to understand
I don’t want you to know
I am shaking all day long
Thinking about our last hello

I never meant
To get this hurt by you
I never sent
That message we both knew
Never leave me to die
Alone

Because I love you

This is just another crumpled note
This is not a song for you
It will never reach your ears or eyes
Even though it is so true

I love you.

I close my eyes
But I can't close my ears
I still hear you
I hear the silence you leave behind
When you are not around

I try to focus
Can't calm my mind down
To a reasonable speed
All I can do to stop from spinning out of control
Is to breathe in and out slowly

Not knowing how you are kills me
Not talking to you changes my day from bad to worst
In an instant we could connect
But you need to breathe too

Deep breathing
We are caught in the undertow
Heads above water
Why don't we walk on it
Sometimes I imagine that you are right here with me

So many times my mind has wandered off
Letting the shadows on the wall give me hope
I cannot easily define myself
Or my feeling
I don't want to talk about it

I want to write these words out of my system
Flush it out
Flush it all down the toilet
Burn it up
Burn it away
I have had enough of this melancholia

I just want to be needed
I am an addict
Addicted to myself
And also to you

I am shaking
Breaking apart into pieces
The edges are fraying
And I am melting down into a pool
A puddle of loneliness and misery

I should be alright
I am young, so resilient
So tough, I can adapt
Life goes on

But I need you
I write for catharsis
Let it all bleed out
You would understand that
You understand the draw of draining yourself

For a moment of feeling
For a minute of reality
Let the pain set in
Let the world fade out

I am caught up in this
I am so scared of living
Too

Don't throw me away
That is just what I expected
I wanted you to be different
Not abandoning me

I am muttering obscenities
At the top of my lungs
I sometimes wish I was never born
But all of it has been worth it
Even if we are just friends
In the past

That made it worth it
You are that important
I am not saying I won't ever move on
I am not saying you are the best thing that will ever happen to me
Just, you are the best thing yet

Using the words
I
Love
and You
I realize do not matter
Because you already know
That I care and I am there for you
In any and every way

Kissing you, although it would be great
I could not do it
I would not die without it
No matter how much I want it

I am writing this in order to let it out
I will probably make this public
Just because that is my nature
But I do not expect a response
Or even an acknowledgement

Mostly I just need to talk to you
To know you are still alive
Even though it scares you
Even though it scars you

I am so self involved
So self obsesses
But so focused on the negative aspects
I eat myself alive

I am funny
I can write
I am tall
I am a good listener

So I don't want to worry about anything
I do not need to freak out
I don't need the anxiety
But if it comes with you
I would take it
In a heartbeat

Sometimes I wish
That my nightmares came true
Because even my bad dreams
I get to be with you
There ain't nobody on this side
Of the whole ******* world
Who can kiss it better
And even on this side
There ain't too many girls
That I'd even let try to
So just live in the pain
We can never outrun it
It's such a disaster
A real crying shame
Everybody runs
But no one gets away
I just want to see you
There's only one way
I just want to feel this
And remember to breathe
I don't know what I'm saying
I just know I can't leave
I promised to be there
Through the thick and through thin
You know that I do care
Is that such a sin?
No more goodbyes now
And please no more tears
I really just love you
And that's nothing to fear

Do you notice the dichotomy
In which I want to hold you closer
The only way to warm ourselves
Is to make our bodies into fire
I want to grab you rudely
Abruptly kiss your lips
I am burning with a passion
But frozen still in place
I love you more than life itself
Lets ignore both cold and pain
And prove now to ourselves
That life is in the moment
And love is in the night

What were we thinking when we started to talk?

Now that we walk to separate paths,

Are things so different?


What did we not understand that night?

Now that the sun has set for good,

Are we so tired?


Were we just young and immature?

Or were we stupid and confused?

The days seem gone too quickly


Safe to say it now that we are not alone

Never really knew what to think anyway

Don’t think anyone does.


Should we question our decisions?

Should we question Fate?

No sir, not me.


No more days outdoors, the air gets in my lungs

My eyes are less open but I still can see

Can anybody really?

In ruins. In tatters. That is what we are.

Tonight.

Tomorrow.

Forever

Ripped up and beaten down.

Tormented but forgiven.

I am not crazy or even headed in that direction

My consciousness is a stream

I catch a river raft and ride the rapids.. White water and we are all going down. Shipwrecked in my mind. Abandoned by rational thought..

This direction is not even a direction. It is several.



"Where do we go from here?" doesn't matter if we can't find where here is.

To wrap up

I will end the way that you deserve

Say goodnight to the wishing well

Say hello to the cold pillow

Wake up cold

Follow the ticking sound from in your chest

Someone else will take care of the rest

The future is too bright to look directly at it

Like the rising sun

Remember there is not too much time until it sets

So don't worry and just live

That's why you have one life anyway

I must have fallen in and out of love
a dozen times over the years.
This summer I have seen a few of the girls
who once were the objects of my affection-
albeit idealised versions of themselves
whom I created in my mind
and placed on pedestals-
and spoken with them
as though I never felt a spark of passion.

And perhaps I did not.
So what love have I had that lasted?
None comes to mind.
How is it I fall in love so easily?
I only believe I have not fallen in love at all.

And if I have never loved,
yet felt so strongly for each after the other,
I can only imagine the depths
I might feel one day for you.

Who can say what it is to love?
But I wish to find out;
not to fall in love slowly,
but all at once.
And then all at once again.
Like an ocean's waves,
endlessly washing over me,
I wish to endlessly fall in love with you.
To look into your eyes
with a steady gaze and know,
without hesitation or the faintest doubt,
that I love you in that very moment.  

Because I cannot promise to love you always,
and I cannot say I have loved you always,
but I certainly can say I love you right now.
And what is more honest than to love you in the present tense?
And what more could I give than my entire self, as I am, today?

I feel as though,
I was destined for this.
And if you crush me,
I would be so honoured to be crushed.
If you found another better than I-
and scarcely difficult would that be to do-
there would be no surprise on my part.
But were you to knowingly forgo
the possibility of something better,
to be with me,
there is nothing more than that which I desire.

And I am so very often lukewarm,
not feeling strongly one way or the other.
I would have to say I want for very few things,
if I were honest.
But my strongest and most passionate wish
is to be with you.

I break myself against your walls again and again
I'm washed up on the shore
like a seashell from the ocean floor
Why are you listening?
I crash into you again and again
I'm a thousand grains of sand
and I'm clinging to your hand
How long can you hold me off?
I will wear you down again and again

The quickest way to fall apart
Is to pick up the broken pieces of yourself
So we hold ourselves together
And we climb out of our beds
Every morning, we arise and meet the day
Holding our guts in our hands
Wearing scarred hearts on our sleeves

The hardest things in life
Are the little ones
But a thousand pinpricks bleed us dry
And the moments move so swiftly
We feel the pressure in our skulls
Listening to the voices of our fears and doubts
Anxieties clawing to get out

The strongest ones I know
Are the ones who had to fight alone
Nobody else could see their demons
Or carry the weight of the world
Which rested squarely on their shoulders
Dying would be so easy a thing for us
Living well is the real challenge we must face

Let me tell you something
She is beautiful and smart and talented and creative
And I have had fun every time I've been with her
But I could go the rest of my life without
Seeing her
Hearing from her
Thinking of her
And I can't say the same for you
It has been months
And I should be completely over you
But I'm not
I don't really want to be

Don't you know I care too much
To ever let you go?
I can't tell you that I love you
No matter how lovely you are
I couldn't bare to lose you
And I'm getting kind of scared
That you'll hate me
And leave me bleeding out
On my kitchen floor

they say "love your neighbor as you love yourself"
but what if I don't love myself?
so should I stop loving everybody else, too?

Firecracker, in reverse
Like gravity turned on her head
Starting slowly from home
Fading into quickly
Burning bright and colorful
Flying through the wind
As though the sky was home
Bursting forth into being
With explosive force and energy

Do you ever like to play at danger in the comfort of your own home?

Make the fear feel real, make sure to try this at home.

The aftertaste of coffee
Is a lot like the taste of regret
I take pleasure in letting the bitterness steep
As I roll it around on my tongue
Careful not to let it escape as sigh
Or a puff of cigarette smoke
I let it saturate my lungs
As I inhale nostalgia
Searing my throat and scarring tissue
Fill my days with cheap alcohol
And nights with missed opportunies
For love or bad ***

But happiness that is a different thing
The first taste of coffee with cream and sugar
The sickly sweet scent of burning tobacco
Filling me with memories of ghosts
The third drink and the first time I met her
Before it all went wrong

It is all part of the experience
The good and the bad
Happiness leads to regret
But that never stopped me before

You are under my skin
Crawling along my veins
You *******
You perfect person
I don’t remember what it was like before
When I was alone and needed no one
No one but myself
I met you and you made me better
But I can’t go back
You’ve made yourself irreplaceable
And that is unforgivable
Because you can’t make a home out of a person
And I will never be home without you
You shouldn’t casually make somebody love you
But you can’t help yourself
It’s part of the charm
You don’t see how good you are
Too good for me
But never good enough for yourself
You call me impossible
But you don’t see how much you are
How totally unbelievable you are
Though you are everything I need
I will never have you

My therapist told me

that I need to just keep living

that I will find surrogate parent figures

that somebody will care about me

accept me unconditionally

and help me when I need help

But it ******* tortures me

that my dad is a ******* ******* narcissist

who gets off on being withholding

and my mom is a strong, independent woman

who refuses to stand up to him

and help her own ******* kids

this is not creative writing, or poetry or prose

this is not some late night rant

this is the ******* demon that follows me

this is the ghost that haunts my dreams

this is my ******* waking nightmare

I was born into a chaotic world

and my family didn’t do anything to stabilize it

so my world is constantly spinning out of control

and when it stops,

I can’t even bring myself to trust

the people who love me

or even the ground beneath my feet

because I feel it in my bones

it’s all gonna be ripped away

pulled out from under me

so there’s no hope for hoping

and I’m always in harm’s way

and maybe my therapist is ******* right

and with time things will get better

but right now I can’t sleep

and I want to ******* scream

and I want somebody to hold me

I don’t want to feel like I have to tread water

Constantly moving because if I collapse

or take a break for even a second

that’s it, I’m finished

I have to hold up the weight of my world

and it’s breaking my back

and breaking my heart

and breaking my spirit

And I have so many good friends

and they care about me

But I can hardly find it in me

to care back sometimes

because it hurts when people leave

And often as not, I do the leaving

preemptively, better to hurt than be hurt

but it’s not ******* better

You can tell me it’s gonna be ******* alright

You can tell me it get’s better

But I am still lying in my bed

I feel like I can’t keep this up

this pace, this nonstop pace

I am out of control

I need to get better

I need to find stability

and acceptance

and a place to rest

I have never felt at home

in 20 years, I have never had a home

Just because I have a roof and a mattress

doesn’t make me at home

I take my ******* pills

every **** night

to keep my emotions

from getting too high

or too low

but all I feel now is angry

and scared

that I will be this way

until the day that I die

Constantly searching

trying to find my way home

but it is nowhere to be found

and I feel the ***** rising in my throat

and the tears on my face

I don’t want to be real

I want to be a ******* sitcom character

or an extra in a movie

or somebody in a novel

I don’t want to have to be multi-faceted

Or complex

I just want a few simple things

And I always thought maslow’s hierachy of needs was *******

but maybe he was right and there are basic needs

that I need met

before I can have high self-esteem

but mostly **** that

I accept myself

the good bits and the bad bits

I love them all

even the messy ****

the mistakes I have made

which is a ******* lot

Can you say that?

I just want to be ok

And I want you to know that

I want to share my experiences

And I want to be able to tell people

how I went from here to somewhere better

and that it happens

I ******* hate open ended ****

this whole ******* experience

of living and being human

and nothing resolves

it is constantly changing and developing

well I guess that’s what you ******* get here too

Everybody I knows grows up hearing that they’re special
Like just being born, earns them some kinda metal
But I’m mental, and now I’m 20 years old flipping burgers
And it’s ******
Only thing round here that’s the special is the sauce
Everyday I show up and get yelled at by my boss
Because I was two minutes late
or my uniform was misplaced
or he just likes getting red in the face
And I took the bus here
Homeless dude next to me vomits
Now I gotta clean myself off
What goes around comes around
Like a comet

Yeah, I wish that I knew it when I was younger
I’m not special, not gonna cure world hunger
Stop war, world peace, I’m no boy wonder
Got nothing special to say
Just a place to stay and bills to pay
Nothing left to do today
Can’t afford a better way
Because I’m underpaid
Minimum wage needs a ******* upgrade

I’m a comfort ******
And I can’t get enough
I go to extreme lengths
to stay in my bed
the screens light my eyes
but nothing’s there
the food fills me
and I feel alright
numb myself
shooting up
10 episodes
and a bag of candy
nothing feels better
than feeling nothing at all
under my comforter
******* as much as I like
because I’m already ******* myself
no life’s worth living
all pleasure, no pain
sweet dreams
and endless days
blurred into the next
escapism and nothing can hold me
so **** the world
my mattress is an island
and comfort is my drug

I am constantly going over the edge
beating on and on
pouring myself out
throwing myself on the sharp edges
that wait for me below
And sometimes I carry you over
and you fall too
dashed to bits
with such great forces
I am on the edge
and falling and
hitting rock bottom
all at once
And you are in me
and on top of me
and under me
and struggling
and surrendering
I watch as you are carried away
the drops fall
the torrent flies from my lips
the undeniable rush
And you are gone
forever