all i ask
is when you see my weep
turn away
pretend it's not happening
the embarrassment i'm feeling out ways that of yours

when i'm angry walk away
let me vent and scream and cry
leave me alone
i will always come back to you

when i'm panicked don't touch me
don't communicate or look at me worried
it's okay to leave me and ignore
i will never hold it against you

every detail is etched in my brain
the sense of entrapment following my school teachers
dear old mum was there too
surrounded in a sense
the photographs were placed in front of me
dread soaking my (so far) untainted lungs
i admit it was me

the car journey was awful
cheery songs plague through the seats and i let the tears flow freely
**** the hospital for being so far
sympathetic glances are shot my way
and i hate each and everyone of them
i get several prep talks about my existence but all i can focus on
is my stupidity of getting caught
and my burning hatred for you

monday rolls around and i am released
more glances and harsher whispers
i don't know who told and i don't care
"is it true?" *******
you don't care about what i would have done,
you just need new gossip

their idea of help isn't helpful
years of bottling doesn't get fixed by kind words or well meanings

the torment worsens
yet i get punished for biting back

i love and i miss it
the feeling so intense that i feel it in all areas
whether it be anger, sadness or lust
starting from the bottom working its way up
clouding my vision and making my head spin
it's been an awfully long time since this organic experience

that's a part of the grey cloud they neglect to tell you
to a point where it remains hard to notice unless you look
you laugh, you cry and you listen
but it's all artificial
something you trained your body to excel in
after years of seeing it in media
i wonder, when was the last time i was truly sad?
or irrationally angry?
or so happy that it's hard to breathe?

so i'm sat there
purposefully ditsy
i've perfected my laugh to be two octaves higher
my hair unnaturally straight
belly trapped and contained for now
red marks flushed against the milky white of my skin
caused by wires and hidden my clothes
but still you don't look at me

soon enough i give up
my mane is let lose
i allow my stomach to breathe and fold over
overgrown and bushy in all senses of the word
(not as a personal choice i may add, simple sloth)
the hazel in my hair now stripped and yellow
my laugh lands deep and guttural, somewhat ******

you tell me i changed and i scoff
you expect me to envy the boy who never changed?
same laugh same weight same personality
no development except for new purple haze
a drug on which your entire identity
i'd laugh if i felt anything more towards you than pity

taking pity on the drunk girl
lying on my lap
begging me to kiss her
spewing on my leg
so i sit with you
your eyes are closed
resembling a rather large and ugly baby
you beg me to call you attractive
and i am revolted as you crush me
but i hold it in
call you pretty
speak of a fictional crush i supposedly have on you
which you probably remember
but i remember the ***** in your hair

at this point in my life
you're more of an obsession than a love
no
not obsession
addiction
like a ritualistic inhalation of smoke just to feel dizzy
i'm at peace
with how i don't love you
now it's just a habit

when it is dark out and the world no longer listens
i sit there and think
about all the times i caused hurt to myself
because of my bull-ish qualities
maybe i should let go
let loose
lie down and become a rug
so what if they all secretly hate me
love doesn't need to be explicit

i'm aware of the patterns
of course i am
it's just unfortunate that my flight instinct is stronger
just sit back 'sea
let them say it
words are meaningless anyway
deep down they love you
no they don't
is it happening again?
my fault or theirs?
look at their eyes
it's slight but they glance away
that doesn't mean anything
yes it does

who cares
there's always someone better
seven billion and i'm going through fast