i prayed for this moment
longed for countless years
but the kisses aren't soft
nor tender
they burn and stain in ways i despise
every move feels clumsy and unnatural
you pull me close yet i want to throw you off
uncoordinated fumbling
your eyes no longer glisten but instead bore into me
but i smile and moan like i practiced
when i spent all those nights longing

the rational part of me respects you
after all you made me who i am today
without you i would have dwindled and suffocated
the pain fine tuned me
and i know deep down that i would trade anything
any memory or any riches
just to be fourteen again
and living my days with you

but the irrational part hates you
wants to forget everything
all the lies and the pain
i need the suffocation and dwindling
who would i be without it
i miss you but you're not you anymore

there is thunder outside my bedroom
it used to make me think of you
the time when we hid under a bridge
or out in a tent
curled up with only each other on the mind
this was the first in a while
where you crossed my mind
instead i find myself
just enjoying the storm

it doesn't get better
learn this now
if i can save you from the longing
endless nights when that's all you crave
you're wasting time
nothing gets better
only situations change
you were born alone and you'll die alone
i'll be with you
of course
but do not doubt that if given the chance
i would not hesitate to leave you

it's summer and i am awake
forced to live with myself
i often think to just how simple it would be
to curve the metal across
or drape silk around my neck
winter asks no questions
just wraps its arms around and lulls me away
summer torments me
mocks me with every waking moment
spits in my eye as i'm forced to breathe
it won't leave a visible mark
i'm too old for that now
i'm a coward at heart
and that summer knows

if i cared enough
about you
or the way you think about me
perhaps i'd choose a better
synonym
for our love
but you don't deserve that
and neither do i

i don't miss you
let me establish this
the second guessing
the guilt
your overwhelming presence
i know i'm better off
it will never be you i miss
just the company