every other month,
i fly.
when my mind fills with worries and unease,
my lungs expand with fear not air,
my heart speeds,
and with a single backpack
i take a bus to the airport.
long ride listening to my comfort songs
is just a beginning to my little getaway.
(i already feel calm writing about this moment)

quick 30 mins wait at the gate, then
i fly.
my reality you can wait for me at the airport
right where i left you,
because you deserve a break too.

see you in 5 days.
i'll meet you back at the airport.

Movie credits descend and sink
to the bottom of the tv screen;
Admire the time travel of a blink,
repositioned on the bed, not keen

Expired pills; motivating my pulse
Hands shifting; trying to keep up
and end this life which by day gets worse
Free this defunct soul and succumb

And in that moment,
the silent tear that doesn't cease formation;
i have surrendered, time is in halt
The sadness salt, in a state of reconstitution,

But death wasn't part of the victory
She was another night of bedridden dreary
Pre-measured mentality
part anxiety
part agony;
retaining me as an emissary
to unearth my mystery

where do my nightmares trail?
who fogs my thoughts at night?
who tallies off my breaths?

So yes, those pills;
those expired ******* pills
did not give me the answer
Instead, i woke up to another whisper

it's 11:11pm
where sorrowful low spirits cry
sanguine prays to the other side of the sky
the galaxy listens
maybe a little too closely
the cold atmosphere holds many's outbursts
collecting agony and desires
one too many wishes
for the young stars to bear.

but listen to our ambition,
observe our devotion,
sympathise our situation.
scrutinise the inclination of our appetite.

it's 11:11pm
it's a galactic duty for the baby stars,
not for too long.
because nobody likes waiting.
so create that miracle of ours and
f
a
l
l

yeah.
it’s like that.

the beauty of naivety as a kid
viewing the world as two-dimensional
the impeachable mind of declutter
so uncontaminated and guiltless
it's the brain still developing
it categories happiness under one umbrella
can't see what it shadows underneath
you will soon set your feet on the ground
and you'll meet face to face
with what the umbrella covers
but once you do
don't use the umbrella
catching a cold will be a pleasure

three minutes in before it tricks my visuals
almost melting, drooping and joyless
should i call these individuals?
guess superiority and counterfeit toughness
was always my thing, now got the best of me
should i be questioning what i see?

brain spun dipped virtual driven reality
chalk-shattered creativity; corrupted
only identified through video documentation
semi conscious voice recording confession

insinuate laughs it’s all good
thought i’d be always prone
even when i’m in the zone

ahhh, got the best of me

how do i tint the world in this colour?
i love this.
this is what i want to live in.
i like my days here.
my heart is beating so fast i can hear it in my head.
YES
this is it !
i’ve never felt more alive !
i’m breathing it and i see it !

are they sweet or bitter ?

before a rope becomes completely cut
those delicate shreds of strings twirled to embrace in union
untwist and gradually untwine
ever so gradually
but know they will separate one day

and once it's cut it can't be undone
the rope itself can be taped or glued
for external fix
but the shreds of strings that absolute its primal state
thousands and thousands of tiniest fractions that bridge the rope
will forever struggle to find its individual continuation
will forever have lost its other half

i had dream on 20th february. i usually write it down as soon as i wake up from it. and try to break it down and analyse it the next morning. but this one is, i don’t even think i can find the right words to describe it. not trying to sound dramatic but this dream transformed elevated my life completely.

i think it was a nightmare. most of this context probably wouldn’t make sense to a lot of people. it’s the kind of dream you need to have yourself to understand the feeling of it. it was very scary, a lot of blood, very chaotic.

i’m not going to write what my dream was about because i don’t want to sell it. but what i take from it is, from my understanding and after weeks of trying to comprehend it with the happenings in the dream and the effect it had on my life until today (29th april), i think my grandfather tried to reach out to me in the dream.

my grandfather passed away in 2017. in my dream, he saved me.

-i’m going to continue writing this when i have the words

my mum always used to say
“if you have a lucky dream,
don't ever tell other people about it
because if you do,
you're giving it away
and that dream becomes impotent”

i know my lucky dream !
i kept it since i was 7
and that dream made me very happy
it was powerful

but now, whenever i think about it
some bits are missing
i'm starting to forget what it was about
the joy it brought me

i think---

cccccccconstantly que?tioning Myself