I remember the day
You'd look at me and say,
With a giddy smile, how exited you were
To spend a few minutes doing nothing, together.
I remember the tether
That held my mind stable
For as long that it was able to,
But snapping was overdue.

Overworked, it held strong, never a falter.
I bowed and worshipped like at an altar
At the immeasurable peace you brought to my heart.
And, joy! It was only a start.
But it all fell apart,
When one day you turned away,
And with your pity run dry, you swallow and say
That you're tired of talking to me.

My mother once said that I was miserable,
And it spread to those others, causing nothing but trouble.
Then you would come and say that it wasn't true
and her nose had grew.
If only I had known that my chance was blew.
Friendship with you.

Today,
You ignore most words that I say.
Those that slip past
Your defense, so steadfast,
Are met with apathy.
Such a tragedy,
How can it be?
That I made you hate me.

They say there's no need for misery, hypocrisy, or strife.
If that's the case then I should take a knife,
And cut out every sector of my brain that drives me insane
to the point where I feel.
Because, if you think of me someday
I'd rather you remember my smile.
one that never existed, just a grimace so vile.

And with you quickly leaving,
There's pain that has me heaving.
Trying to remember what I did before you arrived
and I fall into a loneliness, convinced I belong in a dustbin.
A familiarity that I somehow take comfort in.

And as I run from my feelings, I stumble and fall.
I reach out for your hand, but there's no one at all.
Then you send me a message, my heart floods with joy.
Forget all the pain, it was only a ploy!
Everything is okay now,
If I just watch my tongue, and keep the sorrow from spilling over top.
Then I stop,
And remember how you told me that this façade was breaking me.

But it doesn't matter
I've lived like this before, my brain is wired,
to respond with "I'm just tired."

your words startled me
awakening my heart.
exciting my dreams of you.

you say it was a joke.
i understand, it's seems like
something you'd do.

i've known how i've felt
without understanding
how i feel.

i've been content with admiring you
up close but so far away.

why do i feel so anxious about it now ?

perhaps my excited response gave away
what i'm sure you've known.

there's a distinct feeling
when an otherwise peaceful day
suddenly sours,
and nothing can go one's way.

i'm laying here sulking
passing the time
for in the blink of an eye
my night's as bitter as lime.

and i'm by myself
thinking to the same,
wondering why it feels like treason
when a good day goes bad
for no real good reason.

i'd tell you that i love you
every time i felt it
but i'd never say anything else

a novel idea
to return a borrowed item through the mail
along with a written letter of thanks,
which would express not only gratitude for the item
but gratitude for the relationship shared with the lender.

a novel idea
accompanied by the desire to refine one's penmanship,
so that heartfelt words aren't held back by a sloppy hand.

a novel idea
that cannot come to fruition
because of a stupid name
on a stupid envelope

i believe i am motivated
by a very simple and primitive desire.

my life has been lived deprived of affection,
this has taken it's toll.

one day i heard a phrase.
"touch starved"
i believe it fits perfectly.

someone who has had so few loving embraces that they cannot imagine how it feels, driven by that desire.
i believe that is the desire that drives me.

i hear stories of these people, spending significant amounts of time in someone's loving embrace.
i've heard they cry.

i don't believe i would be able to summon the tears,
but i would love to test that theory with you.

lying under this blanket
i feel warmer than usual.
maybe there's some version of me out there
who, right now, is lying
in the embrace of a loved one.

some version of me who's doing better.
some version of me who's doing worse.
i feel somewhere inside me
envy towards that peaceful person.

but if that me can live joyfully,
so too can this me.

I try to avoid these feelings,
I've been running for years;
the silent killer of all my lovers.
I try to avoid these feelings
of inadequacy.

I'm in love, I'm sure.
and I think you're the same
but I know deep down you want someone more,
and I think you're starting to realize it too

simple conversations
that we can't keep straight
always bouncing off our ideas
suddenly you mention a future
spent together,

I can't wait

welcome back, spirit.
it's been a while, and i
urge you to keep your visit brief.

i'm beginning to notice when you return.
when i plan ahead, you show your
hideous face.

hello, hollow ghost.
do you realize the inadequacy you represent ?
do you realize that you're only harm and never good ?
is that your goal ?

i hate you, spirit.
some day i'll be rid of you forever.
at least i hope to.

but you cling to this body, and it feels as if
it would have to change entirely for you to leave.

from a young age i was told
of the power of words.
to watch my mouth,
for fear of seeing the horns of
the stag i called.

i called.

i called you my loadstar,
for i wish to never lose
sight of you.
i called you my loadstar,
for you guide
my every thought.

i fear the horns,
for a ship can never reach
its loadstar.

if kisses were platonic
I'd want to make out

as I gaze down at my arms
bumpy with tan lines
I think back to that day.

the ever shifting sun
scorching my arms
awaking eczema, which dormant, would lay.

I wonder what else lies within.

if you train a dog to stay in one spot
with cages and leashes and sparks,
it will stay on its own, robbed of its freedom.

perhaps I was trained similarly,
robbed of my freedom to profess love, for fear of bothering.

like a lint trap collecting lint
i feel that i amass love as i live my day to day.
but my lint trap is never cleaned
and i cannot share my love.
a torturous punishment for the simple crime
of never learning how.

i lie in bed and hug a pillow
wishing it were flesh and bone
even though i'm aware
were it to be a person, i'd be scared to touch them

like a dryer whose lint trap is never cleaned
i live in fear, afraid that this is the day that i break.

two lovers lie together
yet forever apart

the first loves her girl to the point where she bites
and in bed, watches her throughout all the nights

the second loves her girl in every conceivable way
and thinks of her all throughout the day

and though the pair are together,
they never are

for by watching throughout night
the first sleeps through the day

and leaves her lover waiting

where I fail to say what I feel
many before me have succeeded
my fear stops me from sharing their words

your voice shines
it's illogical

a bright sound, sweet as nectar
every word permeating around my mind
every syllable lifting my heart

a steady stream of your interests
and you lull me in

curious, how potent is love

lying here in the dark
with an empty sense of loneliness.
deeply wishing to embark
on a conversation with you.

it's possible, i know it
all i have to do is think of something
and hit send.

topic isn't important
nor getting sleep,
unless you want to of course
what i want is harder for me to come by
i just want to talk to you

but i don't know how to start it.
here i lie, in my solitude

i sit on a cactus, cross-leggéd and tired.
i watch a scorpion crawl across my arm.
she has stung me before.
it was the worst thing i had experienced up until then.

she looks into my eyes, and for a moment
we share an understanding,
that she could sting me whenever she wants,
and remind me of what i'll never become.

I came upon a realization
that the man who stands before me now
pulls memories from my cognition
of the man who brought me down to bow
and though the situations differ
he still shakes me to my core
and I try my hardest not to suffer
for if you left, my mind would bore

as the city was built, one of the first orders
was to build a dam.
the construction took years, resulting in a marvel of architecture.
a dam capable of holding back any amount of water it's tasked to.

as the years wore on, the water became poisoned, beginning to harm the city.
no flood nor tool can crumble this dam.
our once great town is doomed

i can mimic the feelings
let out in the air.
i'll laugh at your jokes,
and grow somber through sorrow.

i'll act irrationally
when i should grow angry.

but deep within, i know
that i feel recreationally.

much like then is now,
though a different goal.
the means stay the same.
to imagine a thought to change the mind.

a single solemn rose
swaying by the breeze
the bouncing sound of your laugh
jumping up incrementally
laying in your arms
you in mine
that is bliss, I feel

there lives an adventurer.
awaking one day in a dense forest, unknown to him.
he did not intend for this journey, yet he intends to see it to the end.
after taking years to compose himself, he decided to stick to one direction,
deciding to travel alone, and finish alone.

though along his way he has met several who he has cherished.
in his dreams, he sees visions of what life with others could be.
he drifts towards them, not realizing how he abandons his plan.


there lives a child
who fancies herself grown,
while believing that she recognizes her immaturity.
believing she knows what she wants of life,
believing herself wiser than the adventurer, to follow her compass.

but as red points north, white has other plans.

are you aware of all the time
that you spend pacing in my mind.
your name just seems to rhyme
with every word I seem to find.

I find myself turning to you
yearning for you.

I know not how I love you,
but I know that I do.

it is nice to keep your friendship close, as you leave your mark on my every thought

I love to share them with you

i'm with you and i begin to wonder
if i've fallen in love.
it's a shock, as i've been under
the idea that i can't.

I love to visit
and spend time with those
that I love to love.
but as more enter the picture,
one can't help but begin to notice
what belongs,
and what doesn't.