I heard my heart break today
It happened when I saw her face
With your mouth puckered across a blush stained cheek
The air froze as did I
I was foolish to think you could ever be mine
The blonde hairs that have been threaded through my dreams
Suddenly became cobwebs of a love I'll never be

I found myself growing backwards.
I was sunflowers before I was a seed.
I have allowed myself to be hurt the way I did to you
Now, I know I really did love you.
It took a whole year of abusive relationships and manipulation for me to learn what love is.

Love is the way you would sit next to me in silence when I was anxious
And not yell at me the way he did.

Love is the day you told me I was beautiful and meant it
When he just used it as an excuse to touch me.

Love is the times you drove me home when I was too sad to move
While he pretended I did not exist.

Love is the feeling I got while holding your fingers in mine
They had the warmth his lacked

Love is all the times I got scared and pushed you away
Because I knew he wasn't going to stay

Love is the hours I spent in your car talking about the universe
While he told me that I was not smart

Love is your smile and the way your eyes crack
Not suffocating with his hands pressed against my neck

Love is when you asked me if it was what I wanted
And he didn't listen when I said, "stop".

Love is when you told me you loved me
and I didn't believe it

being alive
is one of the strangest things that's ever happened to me
outside of myself
I found that I am nothing but a fractal of being
and a fragment of thought

I'll drive in circles around the neighborhood
blaring your favorite song from that winter
with the windows down and the heat on blast
but I won't notice you're not in the passenger's seat singing along with me
til I go to grab your hand
and find all that's there is an old coke bottle and an empty pack of cigarettes that I smoked to get the memory of you off my tongue
I'll burn all the gas in my car until the fuel light comes on
but that will never bring you back to me

You still cross my mind from time to time
I remember those winter nights with you
When you drove your mom's car in the wrong gear all the way home
Listening to the same Vampire Weekend album we always had on repeat
We would always listen to the same songs but I'd never get tired of them
I'd never get tired of you
Those blue eyes against your hair that was dyed black because we thought we were punk
The way your hair would fall onto my face whenever you'd kiss me
And those freckles that you'd get that were carved so deeply into your skin
That'd you'd only see them if you really stared
When you would mumble songs into my chest and I'd try to harmonize with you
Even though you were the singer
I'd listen to your band's music every night because your voice soothed me to sleep
I'd never met anyone as talented as you
You had more patience and kindness than anyone I'd ever known
That was really new to me
You made me nervous
There was that one time we went to go see my best friend play music at a bar but we were both underage so we couldn't go in
On the drive back it started snowing
And I loved you
You'd squeeze my hand three times to tell me you loved me too
That's the way your grandmother used to do it
I remember all the details
You had that tattoo on your ribs that no one could see except me
It was like my little secret piece of you
You told me you were obsessed with the girl obsessed with space
But I was just obsessed with your face
Your moms and dad and step mom and brothers were always so kind to me
I saw myself marrying you
You'd be a great father
I think about you almost everyday
I know you're in love with her
I'm so happy to see that you're better off without me
Like I told you you would be

the concept of you has captivated every mental process I have.
when I wake in the morning, I see the light luster through the blinds.
I believe it'd look better strewn across your face at 7 A.M. than it ever has on anyone else's.
my sheer sheets would appear better draped athwart your skin and bones than over my own.
the highlights and shadows in the curls of your hair would entrance me and my fingertips for hours.
we could lay in silence or with our favorite records playing in the background for days, and I'd never complain once.
because all the time I get to spend with you now makes up for all the years I had to live without you.