i used to think all i had to do to move on was to find someone new

nobody would ever want to to admit that it cuts a little deeper
when they don't make me feel like how i felt with you:

secure, wanted, loved.

i wonder if they find it just as obvious
that when i kiss them

there's that feeling that they're not kissing back
and at some point i refuse to open my eyes because of the fear that theirs are open.

and they say sweet things like you did
and despite wanting to, i can't bring myself to believe
that they mean the things they say like you meant them

i think about the things i'd say
that i wish i could get off my chest
or the things i'd want to hear
to help put my thoughts at rest

but i don't bother to reach out
because you're doing fine
and think there's no point in closure
when the outcome doesn't change

i stay up and
don't want to wake up

check up on people i have no business with

try and eat with no appetite

feel guilt for things i can't control
and feel powerless to handle the things i can

the second i put my phone down
thoughts fill my head and i
pick up my phone again so i can ignore them for a little longer

unhappy with the present,
and dread the future

i think about the video games i've bought as an adult trying to relive the joy i felt as a kid

they weren't dreadful to play; i just didn't feel the same playing them as i did before

so i turn off the game and never pick it up again because i don't really have the desire to play anymore

so then at night when i go to bed and even when the day was good

sometimes i romanticize the idea that i could just turn the game off and fall asleep forever

because i'm not curious about the ending anymore

you ask again where i see us in the future,
and all i think of is
"together,"

what i want,
where i'll be,
what i'll be doing,
who i envision myself to become...
i can never foresee anyway of it,

just that you'll be with me.

i look at you and wonder if you had expected me to answer differently.

i think about the uncertainty i've always had,
but no matter where i am,
i always feel like i have something to think of as "home."
and in all the places i've considered home, you're my favorite.

arguments we never resolved, the thoughts i couldn't read from you, and late realizations of what we had

no matter what reason i open up my camera roll for, i always happen to scroll back far enough to see photos of us that i still haven't deleted

all we can do now is move on even if we might have wanted things to turn out differently

but for whatever reason it's hard letting go of people who might not exist anymore

the thoughts never leave my head,
i just put them on hold.
so at night i stare at my phone until i'm tired so i can go to sleep without having to deal with them.

i don't want to put my phone down
i don't want to think at all
time moves too fast
and i don't want tomorrow to come so soon
so i stay awake and hold on to the second that i have