holyoak

holyoak Aug 2014

your heart was always out of reach
and mine was always in your hands
but if you listen closely
you can hear my ribs cracking
to the rhythm of your breathing
your grip tightens
my heart screams
you laugh
i beg
you lie
we fight
"do you think I'll cry?" I ask
"you know I'll try" you counter
the sky darkens as you smile
nothing unusual
i think about when I paced my halls
at three in the morning on a sunday
and how it was just like when
you pulled me underwater
and it felt like I was breathing fire
and suddenly you're talking about
when we first met
in that church parking lot
when it started something
that was anything but holy
and I laugh at the irony
it was better than any poetry
i could ever write

[holyoak]

holyoak Aug 2014

Can I Pay You In Cigarette Ash?

lately i've been day dreaming at night
and every time
you're grasping
at the smoke in my lungs
trying to make sense of the poetry
that you think is about yourself
the steam was coming off
of the asphalt
and i thought about
how i was so breathless
when you told me
i float just out of your grasp
but at least you can see me
i've been blind since the day we met
and as it turns out
that was more curse than blessing
i could see nothing
except for the words you used
to keep me focused on you
you were always the selfish one
but what I gave
you couldn't take
it's not enough to just look away
because now I don't see anything
but that's better than seeing you
you
in all your
underwhelming
overbearing
need to be seen by everyone
i wonder
do you think fire is scared
of fizzling out and dying
or does it just take pride
in giving warmth
and roaring while it can

[holyoak]

holyoak Aug 2014

You're The Kind Of Girl That Guys Like Me Write Poetry About

I didn't think much
of the way flowers wilted
until I watched you fade slowly out of my life
It was like watching the hands on a clock
Except these hands were knives
And soon enough
Our time had come
And you were cut from my life
I think I understand the sky now
And how it longs to touch the earth
But it can't
Because it would destroy
What it loves the most
Lately my mind has wandered
I'm not so sure of where it goes
But it always comes back
With bits of you
To pour into my thoughts again
I watched a train race by at midnight
My thoughts grabbed at you again
I don't think I've ever held you as tightly
As when I'm only remembering you

[holyoak]

holyoak Aug 2014

Your Hands Are Heavier Than Before

i thought i was holding your hand
but i guess i was holding your heart
you said "don't let go"
i said "oh" as it hit the asphalt
do you think gravity knows
that it makes people fall
does it know we go down hard
because i think you broke the sound barrier
on your way down to me
but i just let gravity send your heart
straight down to the street
i wasn't thinking
or maybe i was
just not about you
i'm selfish
and so is gravity
so i guess you could call it natural
and you can call me gone

[holyoak]

Aug 2014

L

the long list of things i'm no longer allowed to think about

I can't let myself think about you anymore
Or your hands
Or where you put your hands
Or the way it felt when you put your hands on me
Or the gentle sighs I exhaled because it felt so good
Oops
I'm thinking about how it felt
And That's Not Allowed
I can't think about that day at the amusement park
Or us getting lost
Or why we got lost
Because I put the map in my back pocket
And told you if you wanted it you had to get it
I can't think about the photo booth there
Or the reason it took us twenty minutes to take one picture
Such a bad picture of such a good day
Oops
I'm thinking about it again
And That's Not Allowed
I can't think about the car ride home
I can't think about when we stopped for dinner and your parents went inside to order
We stayed in the car
I can't think about that
I can't think about the countless movies we pretended to watch while our eyes were too busy getting lost in the moment
Or how it felt to have your lips pressed against my neck
The stubble on your chin tickled in a good way
Your neck tasted good
I hope mine did
I can't think about you telling me to be careful
Don't leave a mark
And me ignoring you
I wanted to leave a mark
I wanted a piece of myself with you
I can't think about the long hugs when your hands wandered down from my waist to my hips
And sometimes (every time) even farther
Or the way you pulled me closer
And closer
And c l o s e r
Until I could feel you
Really feel you
For the first time
I can't think about the first time I fell asleep on you
You were explaining the origin of your last name
Your stupid last name that I thought would be mine someday
Oops
I'm thinking about it
And That's Not Allowed
I remember where I was sitting when you told me you liked me
I remember what I was wearing when you said I was your favorite
I remember it
But I'm not allowed to think about it
I can't think about the way you smelled--
Like sweat and febreeze and something spicy I could never place
Or how soft your hair was
Or how rough your hands were
Or how I got lost in your eyes
Those big brown eyes
I loved them
But ******* I can't think about them
That's Not Allowed
I can't think about your voice
It was my favorite lullaby
Or the goofy side your never let anyone see
Anyone except me
Why me
Why did you need to break me?
I miss you
I love you
But I can't think about you anymore
That's Not Allowed.

holyoak Aug 2014

Sorry Sir, You'll Have To Take The Detour. There's Been An Accident

A suicide note written in car-crash rhetoric
Telling me it was an accident
No one was supposed to get hurt
No one was meant to be in pain
The mangled metal
Tells me it wasn't all for naught
She put up a fight
She tried to fix herself
But when was the last time
A car was fixed without a mechanic
And then I'm reminded
Of why you left me
I was no mechanic
I was the faulty traffic light
Was i the one that sent you head on
Into the oncoming cars
Or the one that held you hostage
and started the sea of lights
Waiting impatiently behind you
Maybe I'm the reason you're gone
But there's nothing I can do but sit
Questioning everything I've ever said to you
I guess it doesn't matter either way
You're gone now

[holyoak]

holyoak Aug 2014

Play It Again, Won't You?

I don't like endings
These past few days have gone by slow
Like time is forcing me to think about what you did
I always thought my house was too big
Too much room to think
Both a blessing and a curse
I can think about the way your hair shimmered
How it glistened as you told me we didn't anymore
I can think about the way your hips swayed
And when you told me I leave you feeling queasy
I don't like endings
I don't enjoy the feeling of something good coming to a close
The feeling of falling apart
We were fine In our little snow globe
And then you shook us
Now I'm spinning around with the snow
And you're anchored to the bottom
Tell me how that's fair
I don't like endings

[holyoak]