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 Dec 2013 holls
Meaghan G
Pity
 Dec 2013 holls
Meaghan G
How strange to say I hardly
remember that month at all.
The diagnosis is
muddled.
It's funny to think I've been out of the hospital for two weeks,
and in it for two months, and that I've got a
bright-squeeky-new-and-shiny
diagnosis to take home with me, or two
or three.
And the psychiatrist says these things run in fours-run in packs-run together forever (maybe)
and ticks them off his fingers
1. Panic disorder
2. Eating disorder
3. Bipolar disorder
4. ADHD
and so, four numbers in, I wonder how many it takes to rack up a final total of
(how the hell are you still alive?)
and the answer being,
(I've tried both)
(I try to live in the middle now, it barely works, I am watching my mouth following my eyes not talking not breathing breathing too slow, meds on time, eat on time eat on time, ******* eat on time)
And I am okay.
I am okay, and that is ******* beautiful.
Every day taken hour by hour, nothing left to chance
(except housing, job, food, rent, contact with the outside world)
but ya know,
baby steps.
 Dec 2013 holls
Meaghan G
Set Up
 Dec 2013 holls
Meaghan G
Child, the swing set
squeaking in the familiar way.
Father, in the familiar way,
swings me, pushes the chains, my back, my everything,
every time I was back he would whisper or coo,
animal noises, ghost haunting wafts,
the dog barking, the boos.

Swinging so strong the set jumps up from its
Georgia clay grounding,
that fear,
I will topple, or head diagonal in the stopping,
that fear.

When we moved,
the trampoline stayed.
The next house had one.
A new swing set, in front of a pond.
A croaking bullfrog-*******,
fake ducks gurgling under fake fountain.
The fear, falling in the water.

Dog once, now dead,
scampering across the thin layer
ice, the pond in winter,
me screaming me bawling, debating the worth of jumping and saving.
She crossed, me on my knees, both
alive
a prayer.
Saved.
 Dec 2013 holls
Meaghan G
The day I let you in,

I explained to you how I am a mountain.

I did not say it like this,

but it is nonetheless true how my secrets are buried in the caves within me,

and it is true that many have ridden down the roads of my skin,

and it is true that I have been mined and I have been torn apart in search of something,

and it is true that I am still a mountain, unchanging and relentless.

The day I let you in, you told me you were the sea.

And see

how the love-like wind picks up your water,

takes it to me,

shakes and rattles down my tree-bones

and rock face.

See how the mud clears;

sea, how you have washed me.

See how the rain you’ve brought has forced me to weep,

a muddy colored wet that runs clear in days,

see how your hands have run, soft and dewy

over gravel rock and tree.

See how you have found the caves,

see how things are built within me.

See how I am a mountain,

sea, how you are love to me.
 Dec 2013 holls
Bilal Kaci
Every night
I find myself
Back here
Writing on the walls
Of my domestic asylum
With **** out cigarettes,
And warm beer
In hope
That one day...
It’ll all make sense
© 2013 Bilal Kaci (All rights reserved)
 Dec 2013 holls
Bilal Kaci
The Zoo
 Dec 2013 holls
Bilal Kaci
She’s behind the glass barricade
Sheltered from ruthless spectators
Knocking and making faces
In the strobe of their
Disposable cameras

She’s crossing her legs
And twirling her hair

*I’m on the outside as well...
But I know there is much more
Going on in that
Tangled mind of yours
Than these people want
To believe
© 2013 Bilal Kaci (All rights reserved)
 Dec 2013 holls
Bilal Kaci
I took a seat on a plastic bench in the middle of the mall.
To watch a kid point through a display window
And all I could see was his reflection; His dazzling awe
As he whispers; please, please, please
Daddy’s’ gnawing his lips
And he’s having a hard time hiding his despair
And I want to say, what you look so down about
You’ve got a beautiful child; a clean shave and white teeth
Then I saw her. The banshee
Steve!! Steve, look at what I got
Holding her arms out, bags upon bags hung from her
Skipping towards him letting her shiny shoes clap as they hit the ground
Look at what I got!
Oh he’s in for it now
And I can’t help but smile, as the little boy wonders off
Following shiny lights and hectic Christmas shoppers
Honey, we don’t have that kind of money
He’s tripping over himself, giggling
Dancing with the lights of Red white and green
With his beautiful innocence
And his premature smile.
© 2013 Bilal Kaci (All rights reserved)
 Nov 2013 holls
Bilal Kaci
I have very little memory of my childhood,
But I do remember grade 3
And a boy who’s name I cannot recall
The class’ clown; making the other children laugh with utter fear,
He was big and stood over me with his shaved head,
You’re a ******* idiot     He whispered tauntingly
You are the dirt on my sneakers
I never really responded to his cutting humor
Except for that cold white after noon
When that eary bell rang with urgency,
And from the corner of my eye I watched
The flocks of children running for the school
Slipping and trampling over each other
Squeezing through the doors,
While janitors buttered the doorway.
We didn’t move.
He slouched over me with his thumbs sticking out of his pockets
His scalp was raw, and cherry red.
I’m going to **** you.
I said it making sure there was enough phlegm in my throat
His face lit up with a ridiculous smile
I am going to ******* **** you
He roared with laughter, and took me by the hair
Then spat in my eye.
And if it wasn’t for my instinct to live, I would’ve stuck him
With the plastic pen I’ve been sharpening for 2 weeks
Instead I tasted the strawberry jam wedged in the crook of my mouth
Along with blood that slowly seeped through the cracks in my lips

Little does he know, I have been plagued with madness
And I will **** him
…Eventually
© 2013 Bilal Kaci (All rights reserved)
 Nov 2013 holls
Bilal Kaci
I can almost hear snow hit the bare pavement
I can even hear the trees creak, Swaying naked
But I’m listening to my thoughts
And their deafening hum
Flowing at the rhythm of my heart
Beating numb.
And I’ve only just realized;
That there is no such thing as silence.
*Only inner peace
© 2013 Bilal Kaci (All rights reserved)
 Nov 2013 holls
KE Filtar
For so long I was wandering
in the crushing, painful dark,
anger uncontrolled, and I-
cursed with the blackened mark.

Then you revealed, with tearful eyes
within my glorious dream,
the secret that was locked inside-
its piercing, golden gleam.

That you were sent- far from me;
you'd love me if you could,
and though it was the saddest day-
at last, I understood.

And even though, in life I know,
It's not reality
I do forgive and now must live-
the Truth has set me free.
dream, golden, forgive, understanding
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