is there a difference between love
and lust? if you saw it would you
know it?

is there a difference between faith
and trust? if you saw it would you
snort it?

i just want the road to feel real again
i want to feel the cold of the snow and weep
i want to sob, hard
and reattach.

your ******* face

there is too much space
on the sides of my face
and sometimes i imagine
slicking it off
someone once told me
that's called "self-hate"
but i traded their terminology in for
"self-improvement"
everytime.

maybe that's why
i think of "hate"
everytime someone asks
about a synonym
for "beauty."

some of my friends have this habit
of waking up with letters on their foreheads
and falling asleep with numbers
on their lips

what happened to
when you grow up,
you can be anything

now people are essentially saying
you lost the right to a future
with your grade on that math test

do you see an L
on my face?

i won't starve just because
i'm not a human
calculator.

they say we accept the love
we think we deserve
so where's the love i deserve
where's the love
where's the love

i got in a fight with her daughter
the other day and now it's like
i'm a kid again
and she's the woman
who thinks children should be seen
and not heard

but i should be seen; i need to be heard

i'm going to scream until my throat bleeds.

i don't believe in being in love
i believe that there are people i love
and there are people you love
and there are a few people we love
but we will never love
each other
because that's
a fairytale --
-- and everything else in them
was false.

garrett,
did you know that
you were there when the
numbness started?
i looked over to you and said
with him gone
i have nothing
to angst over
you laughed
isn't that a good thing?
and at the time i felt
relieved.

sometimes i feel like i spend
too much time creating
beautiful things
to be beautiful
myself
even if i'm
wasting away
in front of the computer --
-- as my mother likes to say
i'll never be wasted enough
to be considered
a tragic beauty
and the regular kind
is lost on me.

i don't really know
if i ever mattered
or if i ever will

god forbid i wonder if i *do

i don't think that missing someone or something
is defined by the things
that remind you of them
but by the fact that you slowly --
-- but surely
forget those things about them
like their voice
and their laugh
and the way they sang
when they were in the shower
because they thought you never listened
i think it's the forgetting
not the remembering
that drives people crazy
to the point of calling and
hanging up
just to hear that someone --
-- you just came to mind
say "hello"
one last time.

i want to be like the bee
and sting you everytime you say
i feel nothing
i'll only get to sting you once, really
i'd die for you and it scares me
but what's more terrifying than living for nothing
and if i do -- die for you -- i'll know:
a little stinger
the remains of myself
will always be part of me,
will always be part of
you.

remember when you loved me?
it's so strange to think
that you can't return me &
exchange me
for something better
to fill those three months
of your memory

no matter how long it's been
since you spoke to me
those 94 days will
always be filled
with us

i know i'm damaged goods
the blockbuster dvd
that came with a scratched disc
even if the case was pristine

my movie doesn't play
day after day
without you
my heart just sits
in this shell
of what i used to be

i remember the time
i was only damaged goods
fondly.

these days i am oh-so
empty
.

everybody talks about their boys
like they're daisy chains
or paper dolls
nearly identical and
dispensable
but for me there's only
you.

all i can say is
i'd really like to know
what it feels like
to wear your shirt
to sleep.

while heartache has left me
it still lives in
the threads of your hair woven
into my carpet with the stain
from when you puked up
the alcohol
we bought together from
that bottle on the shelf we
had *** against and
then left the ****** in
the trash can
that still sits next to
my desk
where you taught me definitions
of words like 'wanderlust'
which still slip into my
small talk and
when i'm not careful
they come out sounding more
like heartache.

i told them i want to
be somebody
and they asked why
i couldn't just be me
can't you see?
being myself
just isn't
enough
i need to be Somebody
capital
s

i miss a lot of people daily and
sometimes i think about living
until i'm eighty
like this
constantly clinging
to the past
i'm not sure when i became
gatsby
and you became
daisy
but i'm realizing i miss nick, too
and jordan
and every guest
who came to my parties

is it time for me to get
shot
yet?

people seem to think that when someone's anorexic,
they'll know, because the person will never eat
i find this funny because
my best friend never ate a single day at lunch
and when they accused her of being anorexic
all i could think of -- as i was eating my lunch
-- was how dizzy i got
from just walking up the stairs.

i hated voicemail
until i met you
now i'd be lying if i said
your stale voicemails
didn't save my life
today.

your name is burnt into my throat
your name is burnt into my throat
your name is burnt into my throat
it hurts too much
to speak.

dear you, i wonder if i will ever have to specify who you are. if there will ever be another boy i will write so many poems about, so many poems to. you were the first. you haven't been the only, but then again you haven't been the only anything. there have been many since you. so many that i've begun to lost track, there have even been girls. when i met you i was homophobic, but look at me now. look how i've changed since i met you. look how i've fallen. when i fell for you i fell down the rabbit hole. i took too much shrinking potion, yet at the same time i'll always crave more. if i'm smaller when i see you will you love me again? is there even an again to be had? i'll never know for sure, so i've let myself believe that you loved me. that you could again. but part of me knows that our time is over. i can't accept it. i can't let you go. dear. i'm afraid to let you go because there is no one else to hold onto. there is no one like you. i can't breathe. it's been two years and i can't breathe. i don't want it to be three, or four, or more. i want my oxygen back, i want you. i can pray to god a thousand times and i will still want you. only you. pretend that i'm your soulmate and kiss me. one more time?

how do you ask someone
to ask you
to stay?

i told you congrats and good luck today
you said thanks
gave me a song title
and said thanks again
and that was that was that was that
was that?
was it what it should have been
when all i wanted to do
was ask how you were
and how you are
and how you will be
and listen to you talk
for hours
about everything and
nothing at all
like we you used to
but instead i'm stuck
with this ****** song
which is only ******
because it isn't mine
*just like you

his name left my lips
too many times to count last night
and it was embarrassing
not because everyone heard me
but because everyone thinks
i want him
when all i'll ever want
is you

wanting you is like
wanting a celebrity
but there are only 200 kids in this school
more boys than girls
so how is it that i've faded
into your fan base so easily

am i really that
unremarkable

sometimes i write lies
but mostly i write about you
and sometimes
i don't know the difference

i still listen to every song you
introduced me to and lately
i haven't been quite so sad
when i do.

why do all my ghosts
of boyfriends' past
insist on talking
crushes
with me

i don't want to imagine either of us
with anyone but
each other

there's sleet between my teeth
and a thunderstorm in my mind
there's a hurricane in my heart
and a drought beneath my bed

i guess my philosophy is that
movie times were scheduled for
double features
and we were given opposable thumbs
so we'd have five fingers

i've told the story of
how you broke my heart
so many times
that there is no heartache
left only for me;
i'm empty.

it's one of those nights
when everything hurts
everything hurts so **** much
and i know you aren't mine to miss
and i know you're slowly forgetting
my voice and
the way we talked
replacing me with a better memory than i could ever be
but all i want right now
all i need
is you
to just
be here with me

say
my name.

when you are old enough to speak
do not call love
a mental disease
do not resent it, do not fight it
because love is pure
and love is good
it's only when you throw
life into the mix
that it becomes toxic.

i loved your big, strong arms
but your beating heart is gone
your beating heart
is gone.

there are two full cycles of the seasons
and three summers
between us
i'd like to think that when i see you,
there won't be silence
but i have learned from the second spring
that there will be nothing but
a hello, how are you
or a when did you get into town?
to commemorate the winter
we spent together
two full cycles of the seasons ago.

supposedly
never lying
would help me keep
my life straight
but i'm not sure
these pythons
would stop choking me
just for a spoken word
of truth.

red car, blue car
every car is your car
green shirt, white shirt
every shirt is your shirt
*what's your name
what's your age
won't you take
a drive with me?

i hear you carry my name around
in your pocket [instead of on your sleeve]
so convinced that i forgot yours
on the bottom of a glass bottle

[but i could never]

when my mother turned my jeans
inside out to wash
she found your name scribbled
inside, over and over
and over again.

I love you so much
i'm so drunk
so drunk
but i love you so much
i love you so much

my chest feels so empty
and my eyes feel so heavy
and it's only 3:30 pm

on days like this, i wonder
how i got through it
before you

because the after is
proving to be
rough.

i didn't fall for you
my feet never left
the ground
and that's what
scares me most
about this love

colin kissed hannah instead
and i was nate's second choice
i found out about joe too late
and carson puked on my shoes
wyatt was the first everything
and louis was only a phone call
slade didn't care about my heart
and maklin shouldn't have

you were so much less, so much more
and i know because
it hurts when
i try to write your name.

i don't feel like i've
really been born
yet

it seems like life doesn't
start until the age
of 18 or 21

we haven't spoken in months but
just so you know, today
we're fighting
'cause when he tried to kiss me
in ohio
i wouldn't let him,
feeling guilty as my
heart
is with you
in california
beating on the floor
while you listen
to the sound
of hers.

fragile [promises]
[are] the ones [made]
[too early.]

i kissed a boy
i had no feelings for
because his drugs
made me forget
about the boy who
took all my feelings
with him.

maybe if he smelled like you
i wouldn't cry
when he ***** me.