Through which I feel everything,
Is now clear.
The world is open for me.
One simple change,
And I'm on the Path again.
Thanks, Universe.

What can I say for my past?
Mistakes crawled out of my system
And into my world
with each careless thought that echoed
Throughout my conscious reality...
But I can say for myself,
I never let it be "okay".
I never let a callous grow,
Over the innocent light of my soul.
I never let myself accept my wrong-doing
I never allowed myself to feel happy.
I always felt as if I was meant to be perfect.
And I always tried.
But being perfect means doing the right thing.
And the right thing, being synonymous with
Pain
Suffering
And solitude,
One doesn't often purposely throw themselves into such a chamber of Hell.
But cleansing, it is, and always will be.
To erase our wrongs, there is no way.
But to change our most deep-rooted,
Destructive choices...
That is the way to ensure a clean soul.
And a peaceful mind.

Now, I am her,
Who I know myself to be.
I'm alone, but I have myself back,
And that's all that matters.

Yes, it happened to me.
I was there
In the warm moonlight
Of his touch.
The fire glowing,
Revealing the lines
Of my hands,
So slowly caressing
His face.
The stars grew bright,
The promise of life,
In this thing that we had
That grew bigger than us,
And took over everything else.
He held me,
His touch, I had only dreamed about.
But in the present,
In that moment,
Time froze for us.
And I told you,
The words spilling out of my lips
As carelessly as laughter,
And you held it and returned it to me.
We had everything in our heads
And no one else knew.
I loved you then.
But couldn't find that word.
Why? When I had just found you.

Cycles spinning,
Teeth bared in grinning,
This life was once so pure.
But everything
In crying eyes
Has made my my heart
Demure.
And once upon
A lonely time,
I believed this Truth:
That everything
Is meant to be,
But that means
So is sinning...

Little boy
So confused
Full of love
Everything
To lose.
In my head
I leaned in
For kisses that
Would not have been.
You turn away
Writing on walls
Yet, the wall,
To me it calls.
Figure it out
Figure out life,
Dying boys
Lay in the night.

I can't explain
How others think
I'm so wrapped up
In what I'm doing wrong.
That time was everything.
And he is gone.
Does that mean
Everything is gone?
Everything?
Is my whole life's purpose
Find that time again?

All these ideas in my head
Just can't seem to come out.
It's like I'm a brilliant mind
Inside of a ******* body.
I just can't seem
To find the words.
This writer's block has been going on for years.
Please help.
Anyone.

Leave my heart
       In a broken bowl,
              Catch the blood that spills.
                                                         With everything
                                         That I have thought,
                        True love gives birth,
            
                     or kills.

The air is drifting
The sunlight seeking
The breath of my eyelashes,
Beating against
You're beautiful face.
The air is winding,
The clouds are spiraling,
Towards the horizon
Spilling out on this soil.
The air is fuming,
The funnel spinning,
And here we were,
Grasping to the Palm Tree,
For dear life and love.
The air is calm.
We tried holding on,
But all that is left,
Is no one but me.
And I realize,
It is not that you were torn away.
But I was.
And I am lost.
....I am so far from home.

Hope filled my chest
Like a giant helium balloon.
Floated me around
From day to day
With a pointless smile
On my innocent face.
Hope for what was,
And what was to come.
Hope for the darkness beyond,
Hope was what I relied on.
And then I stepped out
In the dark.
And the balloon popped.
Left me broken on the floor,
My voice turned small,
High pitched anxiety,
Forever more.
Two years. Two years.
When, my friend,
Will this end?

Every day,
I think of you.
There's never a moment
When you are not
In the back of my mind.
I call myself foolish,
I call myself wrong,
I call myself ridiculous
Because I know that you're gone.
But something still,
Has a giant hold
On my fragile heart strings
And it's not your fault.
Quitting cigarettes,
That's nothing.
Quitting you,
Will take all that I have.

Nothing.

All I can think of is him.
And I don't give a **** about anyone else.
Including YOU.
That's right, you, reading this.
What, you don't think I can't see you?
Yeah, look around.
I'm not there am I?
No *****, I'm here.
In your head.
I am the perfect human being.
All that you began with
As a child.
I can see all that you are.
And I have a lesson for you.
When things seem to be most confusing,
Take a large step backwards,
And separate yourself from
All that you've been doing.
It's then that you'll see,
The truth lies in the
Bigger picture.
And I do not
Care for anything that
Is not Love.
Neither did you, at one point.

I'm happy. Almost.

And no,
I can't explain
The feelings I feel now,
They've been here
Hiding
Waiting for me
To come on
   back
     down.

As Barista makes my Jasmine tea,
I write a little poem for me,
My hipster ***,
My thrift-store wear,
My hair's a'toss,
Without a care,
I wonder why
With all them here,
I feel at home,
I feel no fear.

I feel insane.
I'm being
No different
But I'm not okay
On the inside.
Nobody gets it.
Can't you tell?
That all of my insides
Yell at me
WHY?
I ******* hate this life.

There is
Nothing.
There was
Nothing.
We made it
Something.
But before that,
It was nothing.
These dumb
Pretences,
These shows
Of emotion.
All based on
The face
We made.
The words
We say,
Must we
Say them?
The prayers
I pray
Are all
I have.

The ashes fly
From their bowl,
The birdies squeaking
In their hole,
The jets that zoom
Aggressively by;
But I could flick them
From the sky.
The beach is tamed,
Picture the past,
Bulldozers dozing
Through sandblast.
The locals crying
For their lost cove ,
Two white men gloating;
In their self-made
treasure trove.

In the depths
Of waters deep,
Slowly sink
Where fishes creep.

In the night,
I saw the truth,
Which in the light
Was held aloof.

I watch the bubbles
Jauntily rise,
And feel no water
In my eyes.

Letting go
Of these old lies,
Has made me love
And realize,

Our hearts are all
The same in size,

I'm letting go,
With these goodbyes.

Baby doll,
Don't keep them closed.
Eyes will see
What no one knows.
You leave the room
Of pain and light,
And come out to
Nothing to fight.
The rain begins,
Light cigarette,
And all your worries
You forget.
You don't know why,
in this bad health,
You decided,
Forgive yourself.

I looked upon a tree tonight,
The wind caressed my hair,
And in my broken state of mind
I saw Him standing there.
There once was a flower
Blooming big
With beauty in it's solitude.
I remember my hands with anger
Ripping it without care.
I placed the flower in my room,
The next day it was dead.
And in my heart there was the trouble
And sadness in my head.
I looked upon the tree tonight,
And saw that empty space,
I turned my head, with tears, upright,
And pensive, saw instead,
A bud, still blooming,
And another,
Then another still,
All the way up to the top,
It's true, the tree was filled.
Though I killed my beautiful love,
There's hope in life, and hope above,
And God is here, what I've mourned of,
Is passed, and gone until,
I reach my hand
Up to the sky,
This hope
Is all
I have tonight,
And watch the stars
Above, burn bright,
Oh what loving,
Forgiving
Sight.

Being so young
We do not delve
Into retrospect,
Examination of self,
But I myself
Dramatic and sad,
Do nothing but
Covet things I once had.
In Life, the moment,
We step from the nest,
We're writing our history
With each little test.
Every moment we waste,
Every second we're still,
Is a page in our life book
Til we die or are killed.
Two fully breathed turns
I've been out of school
I've ruined my life
Made myself a fool.
This is the history.
It's now to be mine.
Though I can't rewrite it,
don't mean I'm not trying.

To say it was
"At first sight"
Would be a lie.
I can recall
The sweet look upon your face.
The good-intentioned cool guy.
The offhanded wave
You casually tossed in my direction,
When we were forced
To sit together in the office.
And that day
For the first time
I shaped your name with my lips,
And held your gaze.
I had no interest,
You were too cool for someone
Like me.
And I could never know you, really.
And all
Had
Begun.

You think that he loved you,
I think you're mistaken.
Your memories floating,
in a rose-colored fog,

You think that it's over,
It's your heart he's taken.
I think that he's gloating,
I'm saying, you're wrong.

You think who you have now,
is lying and cocky,
just because the last one,
chose distance and pride,

I think that you allow;
your fear does the talking.
Just let go, and listen,
to whispers inside.

I think it's not over.
You know that you're wrong.
You write here, telling me,
Your love's not yet gone.

This time
A year ago
I was the same.
And yet, completely different.
Things were different.
But I feel that we're coming to a new beginning.
Something,
Better.
And yet exactly the same.
I'm about to feel beautiful
Again.

My heart and mind are tired now.
Yet, I still have the desire to be something different.
But this time,
When I plunge into the unknown,
It will be with knowledge,
And carefulness.
And a greater understanding
Of how to avoid mistakes.

I'm rocking the lesbian ponytail today.
Smoking a cigarette on my break
Like the delinquent I am.
My looks don't fit the description.
But my actions speak louder than looks.
And as ashamed as I am
To be myself,
I can't help but be fascinated;
This is who I wanted to be.
Why?

I think I've just experienced
The biggest dissappiontment in my life.
And it's humbled me.
But I don't know if I've learned the lesson.

To care
Is to give power.
To be without care
Is to have power.
But to have great power,
You must care about yourself,
And only others who care about you.
The ultimate power
Lies in priorities.
Sometimes you must
Ignore
your overly-kind moral compass.

I am bigger than you
Because I don't think that I am.
I'm trying so hard to let go.
I can look in the mirror now,
And see not my face, but his.
I don't want to be like him.
I don't want to hold
These insecurities he carried
When it was him that I loved.
Now I see here
This boy who is me, back then.
And I am he who was to afraid to love me.
I keep feeling that I'm ugly.
I don't want to be ugly.
Not now. Not when he is so beautiful
To me.
I pray for release
From this death within myself.

I needed someone like me,
When I first fell in love.
But instead, I got someone like him.
And when I realized I wanted
Someone more like me,
I ended up getting
Someone like who I
was.
And now
I'm someone like him.
And he (the new one)
Is someone like I used to be.
But never will be.
The first one ruined me.
He ruined me.
Or rather, I ruined me.
I'm sorry.

I came here to express myself,
Hoping this would give me a better idea of myself.
But no one likes
What's not already liked.
...hypocrites.
And my creativity has been
Spiraling downward ever since the day I found love.
And love didn't give me that much
In return.
It's leaving me. This sad sad attempt at art.
I can't even phrase things
Interestingly anymore.
I'm dying.
Because my heart is broken.

This life, this life,
This sick, one-sided knife...
You either cut yourself,
Or those around you.
Despite the fact,
You may not mean to.

Just is the way it goes.

I may not have faith in me
anymore,
But I have faith in God.
So go home now,
Thank your god
for the life you have.
Live for the future,
And not the past.
Live for only
The things that last.
Your long term happiness,
Not the short.
Though in this life,
The weary resort
To empty things,
Up we can go.
Let us rise.

Get up now.
Get up.

The weather's getting
warmer again.
And everything's as
it should have been.
The bees are wandering
Around my head
My heart's alive
My hope's not dead.
The mumbling of voices
Inside this store
Don't make me feel
Alone anymore.
Love songs warbling
On radios,
Come to my ears,
And out it goes...
But it's just me.
And no one knows,
The burden escaped.
Life water flows.

I'm bored.
You're boring.
Fake words.
Fake smile.
The pipe.
Is filling.
You're real.
You're true.
You talk
With meaning
You mean it.
Finally.
I like that
Your innocence,
Of course, until,
I come down.
You fall to
The cold ground.

Ugh.

I think back on my childhood.
Everything is falling.
Nothing is the same.
Every day I picture my childhood
In the air and light of morning.
It wasn't until things fell
That my life turned to night.
Memories of now
will be enshrouded
In darkness.
And I want this to change.

Someone
like
me,
Could never be with
Someone
like
you.
And you could never be
Someone
like
him,
And I could never love
Again.
And you could never be
The one.
The past can never be
Redone.
And I am too strong
A woman
And you are too weak
A man
And he was too cold
A heart
I chose to break
Apart
Just to live beside
My sanity,
inside of my own
Vanity.
And it's all over now
I've told you much
And we've been done...
Since the moment
We'd begun.

It plagues my memory,
As I try to fall.  
It holds me in suspense.
It makes
Absolutely
No
****
Sense.
Let it go.
Let it go.

Why?
What is it?
What was it?
Could I not see
The things that they could?
Or was it all a lie...
I just want to know,
Why?

The feeling of wonder
For a life of thunder
The hail pelts all,
This indifferent punishment
What for?
This life that's under
All the weight of sins before,
And we can't fight it anymore.
Here we stand
With open arms
Open eyes
Open hearts
To the pain and suffering,
To the understanding
Of life and all of it's pointlessness.
To say I'm sorry
Is not enough
To live with clarity
Is not enough
To remember you
Is not enough.
God will hold you
For my return.
Just so I can embrace
All that you were and are.
So I can love you
With the fullness of understanding.
I've missed you.
I'll miss you
Till then.

I don't want to hurt you.
Not like he hurt me.
It's not my intention,
But my actions,
Like echos of the wrongs inflicted,
Leave my soul conflicted.
All the dreams depicted
By my words,
that turned into nothingness,
Tell me I should hold out,
Hold off,
On the love I want to be real.
I envy you
And all that you are.
I ride on apathy
Until I'm well enough to feel again.

Let us confirm,
It's been a rough winter for us all.
We live in the valley,
And What was once (I'm assuming)
Beautiful grassland,
Is now a concrete jungle,
With a few scattered suberbs,
a plethora of crooks,
And a growing amount of graffiti.
But it's okay.
Today, the sun is rising.
Today, I am breathing.
Today, I look out on all the wrong,
And somehow, we are all right.
We're just trying to live.
Trying to survive.
I don't belong here.
But I don't belong anywhere else, either.
This is the place of origin.
Of pain.
Or lessons learned.

What are the words
I mean to say?
This drink, it flows,
Inside my veins,
And life, it moves
And flows for me
Yet worldly pleasures
Drive the weak.
As I long
To tell you these,
All I can say
Are words that please.
I love you
I love you,
Do I,
Do I?

Sweetheart, dream.
And listen on
To the stars that flow
From here
To beyond.

Everything changed.
And yet, it was a mere second of time...
But in my heart, it was an ocean away.

I saw your face
I saw your pain
I saw you confusion
I saw your tears forming,
The tears of a small child
Wondering, "why did this happen?"
And suddenly,
You were mine.
Mine to to care for,
Mine to heal,
Mine to love.
I wanted to tell you

I love you.

But I don't know what love is anymore.

And I don't know why.

Today I am alive again,
Searching for the reasons,
In the past, my lies are friends
To every darkened season.

I long to live, create, and die
A slow, meaningful death,
Where whitened, shining dreams defy,
And there's no need of breath.

But in this moment, I am here,
Walking, breathing, dying
And soon to find the path that's clear
The sun, my soul, is rising.

Comedian's obsidian,
In this middle,
Meridian.
Koi No Yokan
Did it again,
But this time I'm not
Winning and,
Somewhere between
The *** and friends,
Lies the best Me
I have been.
The falling star,
The wishes sent,
Into the void,
We do pretend.
And in the middle,
Some obscure riddle
Do it again.
Do it again.

I found you today.
By chance, not accident.
Though it may seem,
I lie by the precedent.
I don't expect you
To read this and know,
Or think that I care.
But the truth is, I do.
I don't expect you
To ever view me in the Light
For that matter, anywhere.
But I'm happy for you.
I'm happy for you.
I could feel the relief
That time-passed
Graced you with.
Could hear the smile
In your voice,
And the strength used
For facing this.
And the love
In your heart
For all that you are
And can be.
And I'll be forever,

happy for you.

Annoyed, disappointed
More than the most.
I count days to lose your face
Across the west coast.
Letting the see breeze
Blow you away,
Abandon me stranded,
It's better this way.
Am I dumb?
Do we not mesh?
What happened before?
Maybe it's God
Just settling the score.
Because I don't have the strength
To do that anymore.

Let's let go of all there was
Before this day and night
Because,
Before these clouds, there was a sky,
Before this morn, there was a night,
And though I ran to you in fright
I ran
To you
Regardless.

So let's hold on to all there is,
Before we crash and burn from
This,
And in the light, I'll see your face,
And soon, there will not be a chase,
And though some day we'll miss these days,
I'll be
With you
Regardless.