at this instant,
i am ****** about everything
that you did
no matter how big or small,
or if we've left it all behind before

i am angry
i am mad
i am disappointed

but whatever negativity i am feeling for you right now,
i can't,
i can't seem to feel it right
because even though i feel everything at once,
i look at you
and it disappears

love, i can't seem to get mad,
or angry,
or disappointed
at you
because of all this negativity within me,
you're the positive that stays

whenever i feel less,
you make me feel more;
whenever there's someone greater than me,
you always show me that they can be the lesser ones to what i am capable of doing to you;
of loving you wholeheartedly
that no one else can;
you are my "addition" in this world of "subtraction"
you subtract my problems and add blessings to my life

so no matter what negativity i sometimes feel for you,
i can't continue feeling that way
because i always think of the good things that you did for the betterment of myself,
how you made my life better than it already is,
and i am thankful
for you being the greater, the more, the add-on, the positive one in my life

ocean,
i wouldn't mind drowning
just to be able to
reach you
because that's something
i wouldn't mind doing;
to be able to reach the
u n r e a c h a b l e

for him:
he greets me goodnight and goodmorning everyday. he doesn't forget telling me to eat properly. he helps me to figure out what to wear. he doesn't let me wear revealing clothes even when it's really hot outside. he insists on walking me back to my house even though it's afternoon and there are many people outside. he always texts back. he met almost everyone i know in my life. he loves me. he told me that one day when he bought me ice cream. he knew my favorite ice cream flavor. he loves me. but i never wanted him.

for you:**
it's different. you might not always text back because i know you're busy. you might not talk to me when you're online but i understand. you might get jealous a little bit for what he's doing for me but i know you wanted to do that for me too, you're just a miles away. but i'm sure for what i'm feeling. you might not talk to me for one day and i could still wait for you until you do. i'd do that. because my feelings for you are far more different than i have ever felt in my entire life.

someone admires my poems
for you,
someone told me that they admired my poems
for you,
someone appreciated my poems;
every single word
that was meant
only for you,

but then
i remembered
that that someone was
just like
me
to y o u

i remembered admiring
you
i remembered telling you that i admired
you
i remembered appreciating every inch of your existence
everything about you
i accepted
and when i'm near your presence,
how it always seem like a blessing to have you beside me

and so i remembered myself in that position of that someone else who admired and appreciated my poems like i did to you

and how i wished that you felt the same way as i only felt for you

no matter how many poems i write about a girl who loved a boy,
i always end my day, staring at the infinite skies above with the mere question: "why am i still not good enough for you?"

and then i realized,
maybe all of these poems made by my mind and hand,
were all about
me and you

although there's no exactly
me and you,
it was an endless possibilities of "what ifs" or "maybes"
and the question: "am i good enough for him?"

i could never understand the fact that
i felt something for you
that in all honesty,
i have never felt in anyone in my
entire existence

i am dying to know if you still have the tiniest bit of feelings for her;
so i can finally live
to tell the tale
of "the girl who loved a boy"
wait no –
**"the girl who loved a boy who loved another"

i don't feel worried that you still have feelings for her,
i'm worried about the fact that
just a single word from her would make you come back to her,
leaving me behind

why do i feel like every time we share pieces of ourselves to each other; i lose a little bit of myself, knowing that i will never get the whole of you because part of you is with her and i can never accept the fact that while she's more, i am less; she's effable, i'm ineffable; she's deserving, and i'm hurting. but honey, we wouldn't be here if she deserves you. she wouldn't hurt you if she deserves you. i am trying though. so i can finally say that i'm the one who deserves you now. i deserve the whole of your existence because in my hands, you will never get hurt, love.


so give me all of you and i'd give you all of me. maybe that's enough to get me by everyday that i am with y o u.

“i remember that it hurt,
looking at her hurt.”

you were like the green light
that i thought were the only one
that kept pushing me to go;
"go" as in not to leave but
to "go" as in to keep pushing me
forward
to help me be more better
but what if
that is not what i wanted?
what if i just want
to be myself;
and not to upgrade
or even downgrade?
i'm always the red light
i always stop whenever
i try new things,
i always stick with the average
and not more
and not even less;
but i guess,
it won't hurt to try
because for you
for you, i will and
i can
i choose now to be better
because with you,
i feel like i'm becoming more
and more
that isn't bad right?
you make me feel more
and whole
and complete


i just wish i could do the same
to you

/ /
  i am not a nurse
that can cure you from all of
the pain that you are feeling
right now
  but
i can stay with you and give
you all of your needs and grants

  i am not a soldier
that can willingly die for you
with violence or any of that sort
  but
i can defend you for
whatever the case is
though i am not a lawyer

and not a helper
that can cook lovely meals
and clean everything for you
  but
everything i've said
i can try
for you,
for you i will

but at this moment,
i am just a girl
loving you
with her whole existence
/ /