where did you go
do you ever visit

i think of you often
i feel guilty often

i miss you
do you miss me

i wish you never got sick

im sorry i couldn’t save you

when you try your best, but you don’t succeed
when you get what you want, but not what you need
when you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
stuck in reverse

ssshhh
it’s a secret

i feel like nothing i think is private
nothing i feel is free from scrutiny

sometimes i fantasize
about this man
he is beautiful, rugged, sensitive
he has these eyes that i feel i tumble into
we don’t need to say much to love each other
i think of his strong arms around me

then, i wake up
this could never be me
no way

and i sad myself to sleep
i wish everything was better

im nothing
SPECIAL
im nothing
NORMAL
im something
UNDESIRABLE
something
STRANGE
something


             must be broken...
      ...inside of me

i’ve been feeling,
like there isn’t a god
i’ve been feeling
like i’d rather be gone

or maybe
no that’s not it
maybe something wild would fix it

i know i have a soul

something inside my body aches

deep under my *******, my ribs feel hollow

i wake up and live everyday dying

this smile on my face isn’t real
my soul is trapped in here