Homemade pasta; a family effort,
and smells of baking birthday cakes
Quickly faded into pizza and chicken nuggets;
family gatherings now held by the hospital bed
The era of casseroles sprang up unannounced when
our living room became a welcoming room for strangers
but they were sorry for my loss

Grilled cheese and pizzas once again were a staple
as the strangers moved forward, expecting us to follow
A whirlwind of wedding cake and dancing
molded on three more to my family of four
Family dinners a newly sacred tradition
was the welcoming stage for the new regime
but our faces wore smiles

Meals were tension and mouthfuls of anxiety
our masks wearing thin; yet we were to be the happy family
Dining hall meals eventually replaced the tension
and a new family emerged to surround me
Except for those nights when beer was my only sustenance
being touched by darkness to the hidden monster within
but i was trained; my smile would not falter  

TV dinners stock the freezer back home
broken family biding time until the next explosion
wounds too deep to see accompanied unacknowledged pain

You took away our voices before
we had the chance to create them
That any thought spoken louder than a
whisper was something to be ashamed of
An opposing opinion resulting in dismissal
a reconfirmation of low self esteem
Or met with disproportional anger
the discussion; one sided was simply yelling
Never needing a reasoning behind why
your opinions were correct; you’re the adult
Expecting us to swallow everything you
said without question. Who gave you this power?
How did you come to sit on a hand crafted pedestal
look around with ignorant eyes, creating false truths
From your own opinions. That we must abide by
or keep silent for in our silence there is submission

From this came my pain and lack of acceptance
survival depended on hiding; learning to act
Through this I lost the chance to become an individual
Quite shells to take your anger out on
Rather than discovering individuality
My sole goal was invisibility to keep pain at bay
detachment tying me back from creating myself
While you stand to the side oblivious to consequences
Now I stand in the rubble of the past
fumbling to put the pieces together; dissolving cracks
Scraping the filth away to find what I desperately hid
a constant battle to reject not myself but the
ideas that you have ingrained within me
While the bullets have ceased;
the rebuilding is just emerging  
Trying to accept myself when you never would

You ripped me open to peer inside;
find the secrets you were locked out of
You turned and thought nothing of it;
did not even try to learn from what you discovered
Instead you turn it to place the blame
on me since I made it too tempting for you
So I had no choice to stand before you
naked and vulnerable and soon I ran
And for all your mental tallies
construing yourself to be the victim
I want you to know that I have forgiven
you for betraying the little trust I had
You always wanted our relationship to
be different when you took the time to look back
But were never willing to put in the
daily efforts that it takes to get it there
So you started taking short cuts
after all you mind is a tangled mess of lies
Cheating eventually collapses upon itself
and here that mask you made us
create is unveiling itself as just that –
a lie leaving you alone in a pool of hate
In forgiveness you are mistaken;
it does not mean a fresh start nor see you;
Hear your voice; have your fakeness
pollute the air I’m trying to breathe
Someone who was ***** can
forgive but would you blame them for
Never wanting to see that face again?
And yet you are back in my life
You don’t understand where I’m at
or who I am; but that does not concern you
As long as your shell appears nice from afar

I can feel my pulse beating, telling me im alive
But then why do I feel nothing inside
This fine coat of numbness steals my every breath
I don’t know how to live like this
Although one would think that I’d have learned by now
For how much of my life I have spent in this pit
And yet here I am once again with my
Finger pressed against my wrist
Part of me hoping that I won’t feel that rush of blood
But it always comes down to this:
Questioning the end and existence

Struggling to shed this emptiness
Knowing that if I manage to poke a hole
in this façade a dark creature will emerge
He will consume my thoughts and being
Render me useless to go about life
To let everything out; to breathe easy
To breathe in the relaxing sadness of rain
That this not a luxury granted to me
No I can open that part of me to the world
I have to be someone else for so many people
Someone stronger someone who doesn’t
long to sip tea with demons but wards them off
so that you can breathe and to me
that is the reason I take each breath

Don’t tell me it will get better, that it wont last
I know. but it will come back again
And maybe just I don’t want to exist in this constant battle
It comes back more often than it leaves

And I’m sitting there in the dark
Thinking of how you would want me dead
And yet if ever presented with the question  
You, you would look me in the eyes and deny
But why is there never a hand to hold  
when the weight is too much and
I want to end everything again  
why do you all look away and and call it a fault  
when an emotion slips out unprotected  
this world you have built up is comprised
of lies and I do not wish to be one  
of your hostages that you hold for ransom
knowing that no one would ever come looking for me  
I hear your voice say protection but you lips speak of prison

I’m sorry for having gone away again and
for the sleepless nights its caused you
I never meant for you to get so
wrapped up in this tangled mess  
And I fear that it is wraps so tightly around your neck
that you’re struggling for every breath  


But the night is now over and
I’m still so scared to come back  
With so much potential; stored up drives to live  
but what if. What if its not enough
What if im not ready and it all comes back crashing down
And me, I can barely stand as it is.