Just because they’re gone
Doesn’t mean you’re alone

Blink. Open your eyes child.
You are not alone
You are loved.
And while it may not be by everyone
No one ever is
And yet here you are
Surrounded by love
Protected by love
Blink.

Just because they’re gone
Doesn’t mean they wanted to leave

You don’t know the full story
And never will
Many were ripped away, unwillingly
You must know this
Turn your head from your doubts
Open your eyes.
You know this to be true

Just because they’re gone
Doesn’t mean that they didn’t care
It doesn’t mean you aren’t loved
And while this is shakily unstable at best
You are allowed to enjoy this fragile life of yours
You are allowed to live.

I think I love you…
Now, I know it’s not the way you want
And I wish to god that I could offer you more
I wish I could fall…
But as I longingly search I discover a different love
A deep love – true
But not my one and only
I hope you understand

I will continue to think of you
Even as you pull away
I will always care
Even when you don’t want me to
Or think I don’t remember
I do. And I will.
You do not know
And will never truly know
The positive impact that you and your love
Has had on my being and the universe captured by my eyes
You have opened those eyes and shown me love

A self-less love
That has shed light on my darkest days
That has held me tight and let me cry without judgement
That has been full of acceptance even when I couldn’t accept myself
That has jumped to my aid at any chance with a determined stubbornness
That has shown interest in my every thought like no one ever has
That has brought me a joy I didn’t know was possible
That has created smiles and laughs that I will cherish beyond my lifetime

I realize you want to walk out of my life
That this dream is not sustainable
And I have to let you go
But I don’t want to
I love you
I love you
I hope you know – I. love. you.

Love yourself they told me, and I ran away
I ran until scars covered my thighs
And stopped with empty bottles at my feet
Looked around and tried to find who I was
All I found was a depressed and lonely person,
Slowly I opened up and learned to love part of me
Turned around and found them telling me to let go
To fight the parts that defines me as an individual
Leave depression behind and become someone new
So I gave up

Ripping it from the dark box it called home
Holding it in my own shaking hands
Dripping anger and a fear of lost control
Allowing bits to slip through my hands
I sit ingesting its vulnerability
The temptation to spread my hands
How easy it would be to watch it fall away
It stares up at me with a sort of hopefulness
Hopeful that I would give it peace or
A promise that it would give it to me
If only I was more patient

But the questions keep ringing and
My chest is clenched in pain from each breath
Why should I wade through the muck
When there is no end but this
Bare feet to the ground
I clutch it to my lungs longing for answers
Time is irrelevant and the house is at peace
Perhaps this will be my night
Perhaps a walk in the woods will clear my head
Few more drops released to my feet
A need to cry is disrupted by dry tears

Endless circle with no answers
Numb spikes in my figures from holding it
This thing that is supposed to belong to me
And I still don’t understand why anyone would
Believe that this is a decent present to give
But then I guess I was given it by accident
So what if I accidently let it fall
Endless questions with no resolutions
Maybe this black sky will bring compromise
To choose another blade on the self
To drift into unconsciousness  

I stand up wondering why no one sees
How many times I have opened this box
But I return as countless time before
Slip into bed, flowers with ribbons
Of blood pool at my feet

Waves are crashing in my lungs; You ask what’s for dinner
I curl up next to you even though my skin itches to the touch
And watch as you subconsciously turn over, never realizing
Hearing my voice echo across hollow ears as I say I don’t feel well
And an answer back to get some sleep, just need some sleep
I crumple to the ground, no energy left to move unless its for harm
The pressure not to collapse; as it’s already in motion clouds my head
Then the anger; the façade not redeemable and you hurt in the process
Crashing through trees desperate to escape the hurt you’ve sent careening after me
Finally I come back and tell you I’m sorry for hurting you, and I mean it
I just don’t think you should’ve ever been hurt by it

Why do you not see me? Why do you not care?
Are you so blind by your own problem? Am I by my own?
Can you not see why I question your love for me?

Finding doctors finding hope, finding pain
And loss, darkness, searching in a dizzying haze
Naked vulnerability dragging the breath from my lungs
A shroud of fog to wrap around myself  
And laid in the freshly dug ground, eyes closed
Only to wake on the metal table surrounded by doctors

Can you blink and pretend you never fell asleep
That wind had ceased to bang on your door
The roof still strong enough to hold up to the pouring rain
Can you blink and make the world turn backwards for a second
That memories wouldn’t only show in tears
The floor could keep you from collapsing once more
Can you blink and let me fade