kiss her for the rest of the summer if you please. just know that not only have you lost me, but all the respect i once had for you.

maybe losing my respect doesn't mean much to you, but one day there is going to be someone who you are so afraid to lose and their respect will mean so much to you.

i'm sorry that person couldn't be me.

what if i fall in love with you
i'm so scared that i might fall in love with you
and i've tried not to write this poem for so long
because i feel silly for even thinking about loving you
because it hasn't been that long
because what would people say
and maybe i will fall in love with you
and that thought is so beautiful and scary at the same time
because i really want you to fall in love with me
because if i'm being completely honest
it would be a pleasure to be loved by you

will you forgive me
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed

i will.

i will forgive myself
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
i will forgive myself
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed
i will forgive myself
and
i will forgive myself for ever even thinking that i would not

the worst part of all is that i miss you.
and i really hate that i do. and i can sit around all day beating myself up about missing you or i can just let myself. i can let myself think about all the things you did that made me smile and about the way that you complimented my hair, even though we both knew it looked bad. i can think about every time you kissed me and nothing else mattered. i can let myself miss you.
i deserve to be able to miss you.
and then i will think about every lie you told me, i will think about every time you said something that hurt me so bad, and how i covered the pain with my artificial smile, when i deserved to be actually smiling. i will think about how when you kissed me, i know that you wanted to be kissing her instead. i will think about how you did. kiss her instead.
i will think about crying alone in my bed and feeling so inadequate. feeling so ashamed for letting myself cry over someone as mediocre as you.
you do not deserve me missing you.
but i can't change the fact that i do.

every time
i let someone ready my poetry for the first time
they all say the same thing
"i had no idea you wrote like this"
those same words came out of
so
many
different mouths
and i'm still deciding if i find comfort in them or not
i keep asking myself
why not just share with everyone
why not put it out there for all to see
why not
why not
why not
because if i do that
is it even for me anymore?
maybe this should stay something special
for only the worthy to see
this isn't for the heartbreakers or the toxic friends
not everyone who has a poem written about them
deserves to hear that poem
but
the other part of me is so proud
and i want everyone to know
because sometimes
i want everyone to know
i write like this

i've been happy here for so long
and I don't want leaving to change that

i'm sorry it's hard for me to trust people
i'm sorry that sometimes i think i can do it best
it's just that when you've been let down
so
many
times
it's hard to put faith in those who have the same capability
of letting you down
again

this life is for me, not anyone else.

fall in love with looking in the mirror.

i put my hands on either side of my face so i can't see out of the corners of my eyes. i'm alone and no one else is around. the world is mine to pray to. i am so lucky to be alive

sometimes
it hurts so bad to close a chapter to your life that was so good
because there is the constant fear lingering in my mind
that maybe the next chapter won’t be as good
because when in my life will I meet another person like these people
because
sometimes
it’s hard to believe
that I could get that lucky twice

every minute that i spend with you
is another minute that i fall deeper in love
and every minute that i spend with you
is another minute that i remember how lucky i am
and every minute that i spend with you
is another minute where i remind myself that i am loved
and every minute that i spend with you
is another minute that is well spent
and it feels as if every minute i spend with you
is still a minute too short
because no time spent with you would ever feel like enough

"i miss your writing"
she said to me
"i know"
i thought

i miss it too

i'm tired of expiration dates.
i don't want to have to throw a relationship away
as quick as expired milk in the fridge.
i'm worth more than milk.
treat me like i'm more than milk.

by telling me you didn't like it when i dyed my hair, you were telling me that you didn't like me. maybe you didn't realize that, but i did and i'll never forget it.

i paint my nails yellow
because yellow is beautiful
and yellow makes me happy
and nothing bad can happen when the sun sets and gold streams through the windows in my house
i paint my nails yellow
because it's a reminder to smile
a reminder that there is good in this worls
so
i paint my nails yellow

I can’t remember his dogs name
and I hope that means
eventually I won’t remember his

someone asked me about you today
and for the first time
i didn't want to talk about you
not because it hurt
or because it brought up old feelings
or because i miss you
but because for the first time
i felt like i had better things to be talking about
and you were not one of those things

for this notebook
was a far better listener
than you ever were

when i thought i knew
what was best for myself

when in-fact

what i knew
was the worst.

i'll stare at you from across the room
knowing that i can never
have you again.
yet you're here sitting on my couch
and there is pain in my heart
because there is barely any space
between us.
yet i've never felt farther from you.

I don’t want to be controlled by the monsters of my past
but here I am

i still
do not know
the poem i've been trying to write
and maybe
that's because
i haven't been
writing one at all
or maybe it's because
the poem i've been trying to write
is not ready for paper
and maybe
i'm the paper
that's not ready for it

it seems quite unfair
that i am the one who ends up hurt
when all you did was dig your knife into my chest
over and
over and
over again
you took something from me that was never yours to take
and it really seems quite unfair
that i will suffer for it
and you will not
it seems quite unfair
that my tears will be the ones streaming down my cheeks
and your face will be forever unmarked
i cannot describe what you did
but it seems quite unfair
that you did anything at all

it's not all ******* black and white
life is full of beautiful shades of grey

"i want to go slow"
is one of the first things i said to him
and he didn't hesitate when he responded with
"i do too"
and that made me smile
but it's when his actions matched his words that made me feel safe
when he just kissed me because he wanted to
not because he was reaching for something else instead
because i was what he wanted
and everything else was just a plus

i do not care about your favorite your favorite food
or the tv shows you watch at night
i want to know what makes you cry
and the songs your mother sang to you when you were little
i want to know the depths of you
and i want you to know the depths of me
small talk is ****
and i won't take part in it.

sometimes
I wish I wasn’t nice to him
even though
I know that was the best way to handle it
even though
he ended up apologizing
even though
it would have hurt so much more to be rude
I still sometimes wish
that I wasn’t nice to him
because i’m afraid that maybe he took my niceness as an invitation
maybe he took it as a welcome mat in front of a brand new house
and maybe because I was nice to him he thinks what he did was okay
and maybe because of me he will do this to someone else
because maybe I didn’t make his life hellish enough
but trust me when I say that if I made his life hell
it would only have made my life worse too
because every time I said his name
he would say mine twice
and I was tired of my name getting swarmed up in the monster that was his lips
because I had already had enough
but sometimes I still wish that I dragged him through the dirt
and made him feel how deep the imaginary scars in my chest stung
and let him know that he was so lucky that I was so nice to him
because I really did have the power to snap him in half
but I didn’t want anyone to feel the pain I was feeling
not even him
so I was nice to him

i'm stuck in a revolving door
and it never slows down enough
for me to get out
i'm walking
without a purpose
and i can't find anyone
to stop the door
for me.

he told his mom about me
and it just made me appreciate him even more than i already did
to know that someone is proud to have me
is a feeling that i am not yet used to
to know that there is no fear in his mind
when he reaches for my hand in public
because he wants to hold it
and he doesn't care what people think
and i just feel good
because i feel lucky to be with someone
who wanted to tell their mom about me

my heart aches for jealous souls
i wish that you stopped wanting what i had
i wish what you had was enough for you
because what you don't realize
if your own life isn't good enough for you
how could mine ever be?

right after he cheated on me
i got my period
it came two weeks early
it seemed as if this was my body's way
of cleansing him from my system
i've never been happier
to get my period

this feeling is somehow beautiful
the way that trying a new food that quickly becomes your favorite feels
or the way it feels to look in the mirror and truly and deeply love the person that looks back at you
this feeling is new
and new is exciting and terrifying and crazy
and
new is beautiful
this feeling is something to be celebrated
so that's what i'll ******* do

i feel guilty for not wanting to write
it's because i feel like i have
nothing
to
write
about
and i don't want to force ink out of this pen
but maybe that is exactly what i'm supposed to do
train my body to talk about the things even this pen
doesn't want to talk about
and this pen will hear it first
even before i truly understand it
and it feels weird to force myself to write
but the things is
maybe i'm not forcing myself at all

i stick my head out the window
and let the wind rip through every curl of my hair
i feel free
but at the same time
trapped.
in my own head
in my own thoughts
in myself

i can apologize for making you feel uncomfortable. but i will never apologize for being myself. and it's your mistake for ever thinking i would.

he told me he felt at his most vulnerable with someone else's lips around him.
maybe he'll soon understand how vulnerable i feel every time i'm around him because i know he has the capability to hurt me.

the other morning
i told you i loved you
and i cried
and apologized
and then i cried again
and you didn't tell me right away that you loved me
but you told me to never be sorry for the way that i feel
and i think i needed to hear that
more than "i love you"

when i would think about you for too long and get emotional
when i wanted to spend every minute with you
when i wanted to tell you everything
when we laughed so hard our stomaches hurt
when it became everything all at once
when i couldn't find any other words to describe how i felt
that's when i knew

this is me
writing about being happy
and i still don't really know how to do that
which is why
this poem is barely even a poem
but i need to learn how to write when i'm happy
so for now
this will have to do.

i don't like writing in pencil because for some reason that makes my thoughts feel less real.

i'm not sure who i miss more
you
or
the person i was before i met you

now that i have something good
will i still have something to write about
because it's easier to write about tragedy and pain
because you can't really push those things away
you can try
but sometimes hurt stays around a lot longer than happy does
but i want to be able to write about this
but sometimes it's hard
because i have to dig really deep to find the words
which scares me
because why do i need to look so hard for something
that makes me feel
so good
because it's so easy to write about being hurt
and i can't wait for the day that it becomes easier
to write about something happy

i liked getting wine drunk with you.
or maybe i just liked being with you.
or maybe i just like you.

i think about how much i love that you keep a journal and write in it every night. and how badly i wish to be one of the things you write about.

i don't cry when i write
but i cry when i go back
and read what i wrote
as if someone else's
voice spoke the words
that my mind creates

angry was not the right word
and i'm sorry
that i chose that word
but my tears turned into frustration
and my frustration mimicked angry
because sometimes i don't know how to say how i feel
and sometimes the wrong word comes out
and i'm sorry
that this time
the wrong word was directed towards you

i'm sorry
for the day that
i mistook your words for his
i can't control the comparisons
that my brain makes
and i'm not thankful for him
but i am thankful for what he taught me
and i am thankful that he brought me to you
and i will learn the difference of your words
because your words were never his
and never will be
because you are not him
and never will be
you are you
and that's why i love you