and as i sit here in this bed
and write a poem instead of my english essay
i ask myself how i got here
because there was a time where my nights were filled
with sorrow
with pain
with stress
with regret
and now they are filled
with pride
with smiles
with dedication
with effort
because i put time into what i do now
instead of just do it
and i really don't know if i did that before
or maybe i did
but it didn't mean that much to me then
because what is the point in doing something if the meaning behind it has already been lost
or maybe the meaning was never even there
and so yes
i will write my english essay
but first
i will write this poem
because this poem means something
and right now
i want meaning

i'm not sure who i miss more
you
or
the person i was before i met you

something about filling in my eyebrows makes me feel powerful

self love is not crying in public and not caring what people think

i'm tired of expiration dates.
i don't want to have to throw a relationship away
as quick as expired milk in the fridge.
i'm worth more than milk.
treat me like i'm more than milk.

kiss her for the rest of the summer if you please. just know that not only have you lost me, but all the respect i once had for you.

maybe losing my respect doesn't mean much to you, but one day there is going to be someone who you are so afraid to lose and their respect will mean so much to you.

i'm sorry that person couldn't be me.

i asked him
"what's worse a liar or a cheater"
"i didn't lie"
actually
you just did.

i'm so scared
because he might treat me really well
i'm so scared because i think he might kiss me
and i think i might want him to
but i'm not supposed to want to kiss my friends
so what will happen if he kisses me
i don't want to be hurt again
and everyone says he won't hurt me
but what if he does
they don't know
they don't know how it feels
to be so scared that this might hurt me so bad
he makes me nervous and i've yet to recognize if that is a good thing or a bad thing
i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say to him
because i don't want to be another girl
i want something
and this would be a lot ******* easier if i knew what that something was
i think in the back of my mind i know what i want
but i am too terrified to say it out loud
because that makes it real
and real is scary
this is really scary, all of it
but
i still want him to kiss me

every minute that i spend with you
is another minute that i fall deeper in love
and every minute that i spend with you
is another minute that i remember how lucky i am
and every minute that i spend with you
is another minute where i remind myself that i am loved
and every minute that i spend with you
is another minute that is well spent
and it feels as if every minute i spend with you
is still a minute too short
because no time spent with you would ever feel like enough

i don't know what i'm supposed to call it, you
told me this was how it was supposed to happen
i don't know how i'm supposed to feel, but
i think i feel used
i don't know what i'm supposed to say, but
i think i should have said "no"
i don't know where i'm supposed to go from here, and
i think i want to go home

"i want to go slow"
is one of the first things i said to him
and he didn't hesitate when he responded with
"i do too"
and that made me smile
but it's when his actions matched his words that made me feel safe
when he just kissed me because he wanted to
not because he was reaching for something else instead
because i was what he wanted
and everything else was just a plus

sometimes
I wish I wasn’t nice to him
even though
I know that was the best way to handle it
even though
he ended up apologizing
even though
it would have hurt so much more to be rude
I still sometimes wish
that I wasn’t nice to him
because i’m afraid that maybe he took my niceness as an invitation
maybe he took it as a welcome mat in front of a brand new house
and maybe because I was nice to him he thinks what he did was okay
and maybe because of me he will do this to someone else
because maybe I didn’t make his life hellish enough
but trust me when I say that if I made his life hell
it would only have made my life worse too
because every time I said his name
he would say mine twice
and I was tired of my name getting swarmed up in the monster that was his lips
because I had already had enough
but sometimes I still wish that I dragged him through the dirt
and made him feel how deep the imaginary scars in my chest stung
and let him know that he was so lucky that I was so nice to him
because I really did have the power to snap him in half
but I didn’t want anyone to feel the pain I was feeling
not even him
so I was nice to him

i'll stare at you from across the room
knowing that i can never
have you again.
yet you're here sitting on my couch
and there is pain in my heart
because there is barely any space
between us.
yet i've never felt farther from you.

i will never dull my sparkle for the purpose of you shining brighter than me.

i'm stuck in a revolving door
and it never slows down enough
for me to get out
i'm walking
without a purpose
and i can't find anyone
to stop the door
for me.

i've never been
and never want to be
the type of person
who doesn't want to get their hair wet
you'll find me diving head first into the water
not afraid of the damage my splash creates
just think about all the things i'd miss
if i sat beside the water
and watched
i won't experience anything
if my hair stays dry

i bet you can't even spell my name
that is how little you know me

we are friends on facebook
but you've already taken so much from me
you are the reason for the tear stained pillows and sleepless nights
you are the reason for the fear that kept me from walking alone
you are the reason people turned away when my name was said  
you took everything from me
so really
of all things
you don't get to be my friend on facebook

this feeling is somehow beautiful
the way that trying a new food that quickly becomes your favorite feels
or the way it feels to look in the mirror and truly and deeply love the person that looks back at you
this feeling is new
and new is exciting and terrifying and crazy
and
new is beautiful
this feeling is something to be celebrated
so that's what i'll ******* do

you never had to feel the same way that i felt.
and you never had to understand the way that i felt.
you just needed to respect it.
but you clearly didn't ever respect yourself enough to even think about respecting me.

he told me he didn't want this to change anything
but i don't think i've been the same since he touched me
thinking about his hands makes me uncomfortable
and maybe that's because the first time he fingered me it wasn't even in my own bed.
or maybe it's because the first time he fingered me, i'm not sure i even wanted him to.

3  hours and 30 minutes.
that is the closest distance i've ever lived to someone i've kissed.
i long for the day that
3 hours and 30 minutes
is the farthest distance i have to survive.

sometimes my brain moves in fast motion
my hand is a couples paces behind
my body struggles to keep up
as the words and thoughts crowd my brain
i'm trying to keep up
i can't keep up
why do i need to keep up

you told me not to tell anyone you kissed her
but
i told you not to kiss her

it all comes down
to who you look for
in a crowded room
and
i think i'll look for you
forever

it's ironic that you wiped my tears away the second i needed you
but the second you were the cause of my tears
you were nowhere to be seen.

i am my own biggest fan
i will not stop liking myself less
just so i can start liking you more
that's not how it works

right after he cheated on me
i got my period
it came two weeks early
it seemed as if this was my body's way
of cleansing him from my system
i've never been happier
to get my period

that saying that says, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me" is funny to me because it is still me getting fooled every time.

the worst part of all is that i miss you.
and i really hate that i do. and i can sit around all day beating myself up about missing you or i can just let myself. i can let myself think about all the things you did that made me smile and about the way that you complimented my hair, even though we both knew it looked bad. i can think about every time you kissed me and nothing else mattered. i can let myself miss you.
i deserve to be able to miss you.
and then i will think about every lie you told me, i will think about every time you said something that hurt me so bad, and how i covered the pain with my artificial smile, when i deserved to be actually smiling. i will think about how when you kissed me, i know that you wanted to be kissing her instead. i will think about how you did. kiss her instead.
i will think about crying alone in my bed and feeling so inadequate. feeling so ashamed for letting myself cry over someone as mediocre as you.
you do not deserve me missing you.
but i can't change the fact that i do.

my heart aches for jealous souls
i wish that you stopped wanting what i had
i wish what you had was enough for you
because what you don't realize
if your own life isn't good enough for you
how could mine ever be?

i love how he smells
and i know that soon enough
it's going to hurt so badly
to smell it ever again

call me a ****** *****, at least i'm honest.

i told him that i wish i could hate him.
you're such a good guy, i said.
that's so ******* annoying, i said.
i don't want to hate you, i thought.
i wish i could love you.

in a room full of people you'll find me in the middle
it's not because i am extroverted and outgoing
because, yes i am those things
it is because i am scared
i am scared to be left alone
and so
i do what i can to surround myself with people
even if those people are toxic to me

you called me out for not making eye contact with you. i said it was because i was nervous, but maybe i was scared that if i looked into your eyes for too long i would get hurt again.


i was right.

i put my hands on either side of my face so i can't see out of the corners of my eyes. i'm alone and no one else is around. the world is mine to pray to. i am so lucky to be alive

i stick my head out the window
and let the wind rip through every curl of my hair
i feel free
but at the same time
trapped.
in my own head
in my own thoughts
in myself

i'm sorry it's hard for me to trust people
i'm sorry that sometimes i think i can do it best
it's just that when you've been let down
so
many
times
it's hard to put faith in those who have the same capability
of letting you down
again

don't ever let a boy tell you that it's not okay for girls to *******. just another thing they are jealous of. they'll never be able to do it as well as you.

this life is for me, not anyone else.

i do not care about your favorite your favorite food
or the tv shows you watch at night
i want to know what makes you cry
and the songs your mother sang to you when you were little
i want to know the depths of you
and i want you to know the depths of me
small talk is ****
and i won't take part in it.

i can apologize for making you feel uncomfortable. but i will never apologize for being myself. and it's your mistake for ever thinking i would.

i think about how much i love that you keep a journal and write in it every night. and how badly i wish to be one of the things you write about.

i don't cry when i write
but i cry when i go back
and read what i wrote
as if someone else's
voice spoke the words
that my mind creates

it's not all ******* black and white
life is full of beautiful shades of grey

fall in love with looking in the mirror.

i don't like writing in pencil because for some reason that makes my thoughts feel less real.

he told me he felt at his most vulnerable with someone else's lips around him.
maybe he'll soon understand how vulnerable i feel every time i'm around him because i know he has the capability to hurt me.