once
when you were drunk
you called me
and i'm pretty sure that's the last time we had a real conversation
i remember wanting to hold on to that moment forever
because i knew
the second we hung up that phone
everything would be the same as it was before
i would go back to missing you
and you would go back
to trying to make me into someone that i wasn't
i'm sorry that i wasn't all that you thought i was
but i'm more sorry that you didn't see what you were missing
the night that you drunk called me
i stared at the twinkling lights above my bed
i stared at them until my eyes burned
they burned with memories soon to be forgotten
because maybe they weren't good memories anymore
and maybe i need to stop writing about you
because every time i write about you
i get reminded of that night you called me when you were drunk
because it makes me sad
that i think that's the last time we had a real conversation.

right after he cheated on me
i got my period
it came two weeks early
it seemed as if this was my body's way
of cleansing him from my system
i've never been happier
to get my period

we are friends on facebook
but you've already taken so much from me
you are the reason for the tear stained pillows and sleepless nights
you are the reason for the fear that kept me from walking alone
you are the reason people turned away when my name was said  
you took everything from me
so really
of all things
you don't get to be my friend on facebook

what you did will sting me forever
but
i want you to know
that when a bee stings someone
the bee is the one that dies

it seems quite unfair
that i am the one who ends up hurt
when all you did was dig your knife into my chest
over and
over and
over again
you took something from me that was never yours to take
and it really seems quite unfair
that i will suffer for it
and you will not
it seems quite unfair
that my tears will be the ones streaming down my cheeks
and your face will be forever unmarked
i cannot describe what you did
but it seems quite unfair
that you did anything at all

i don't know what i'm supposed to call it, you
told me this was how it was supposed to happen
i don't know how i'm supposed to feel, but
i think i feel used
i don't know what i'm supposed to say, but
i think i should have said "no"
i don't know where i'm supposed to go from here, and
i think i want to go home

i'm not sure who i miss more
you
or
the person i was before i met you

it's not all ******* black and white
life is full of beautiful shades of grey

i'm tired of expiration dates.
i don't want to have to throw a relationship away
as quick as expired milk in the fridge.
i'm worth more than milk.
treat me like i'm more than milk.

3  hours and 30 minutes.
that is the closest distance i've ever lived to someone i've kissed.
i long for the day that
3 hours and 30 minutes
is the farthest distance i have to survive.

sometimes my brain moves in fast motion
my hand is a couples paces behind
my body struggles to keep up
as the words and thoughts crowd my brain
i'm trying to keep up
i can't keep up
why do i need to keep up

it's ironic that you wiped my tears away the second i needed you
but the second you were the cause of my tears
you were nowhere to be seen.

the worst part of all is that i miss you.
and i really hate that i do. and i can sit around all day beating myself up about missing you or i can just let myself. i can let myself think about all the things you did that made me smile and about the way that you complimented my hair, even though we both knew it looked bad. i can think about every time you kissed me and nothing else mattered. i can let myself miss you.
i deserve to be able to miss you.
and then i will think about every lie you told me, i will think about every time you said something that hurt me so bad, and how i covered the pain with my artificial smile, when i deserved to be actually smiling. i will think about how when you kissed me, i know that you wanted to be kissing her instead. i will think about how you did. kiss her instead.
i will think about crying alone in my bed and feeling so inadequate. feeling so ashamed for letting myself cry over someone as mediocre as you.
you do not deserve me missing you.
but i can't change the fact that i do.

i am my own biggest fan
i will not stop liking myself less
just so i can start liking you more
that's not how it works

i do not care about your favorite your favorite food
or the tv shows you watch at night
i want to know what makes you cry
and the songs your mother sang to you when you were little
i want to know the depths of you
and i want you to know the depths of me
small talk is ****
and i won't take part in it.

i'm sorry it's hard for me to trust people
i'm sorry that sometimes i think i can do it best
it's just that when you've been let down
so
many
times
it's hard to put faith in those who have the same capability
of letting you down
again

my heart aches for jealous souls
i wish that you stopped wanting what i had
i wish what you had was enough for you
because what you don't realize
if your own life isn't good enough for you
how could mine ever be?

i paint my nails yellow
because yellow is beautiful
and yellow makes me happy
and nothing bad can happen when the sun sets and gold streams through the windows in my house
i paint my nails yellow
because it's a reminder to smile
a reminder that there is good in this worls
so
i paint my nails yellow

in a room full of people you'll find me in the middle
it's not because i am extroverted and outgoing
because, yes i am those things
it is because i am scared
i am scared to be left alone
and so
i do what i can to surround myself with people
even if those people are toxic to me

i asked him
"what's worse a liar or a cheater"
"i didn't lie"
actually
you just did.

i bet you can't even spell my name
that is how little you know me

i'm stuck in a revolving door
and it never slows down enough
for me to get out
i'm walking
without a purpose
and i can't find anyone
to stop the door
for me.

i stick my head out the window
and let the wind rip through every curl of my hair
i feel free
but at the same time
trapped.
in my own head
in my own thoughts
in myself

call me a ****** *****, at least i'm honest.

kiss her for the rest of the summer if you please. just know that not only have you lost me, but all the respect i once had for you.

maybe losing my respect doesn't mean much to you, but one day there is going to be someone who you are so afraid to lose and their respect will mean so much to you.

i'm sorry that person couldn't be me.

you never had to feel the same way that i felt.
and you never had to understand the way that i felt.
you just needed to respect it.
but you clearly didn't ever respect yourself enough to even think about respecting me.

i love how he smells
and i know that soon enough
it's going to hurt so badly
to smell it ever again

i put my hands on either side of my face so i can't see out of the corners of my eyes. i'm alone and no one else is around. the world is mine to pray to. i am so lucky to be alive

you called me out for not making eye contact with you. i said it was because i was nervous, but maybe i was scared that if i looked into your eyes for too long i would get hurt again.


i was right.

i don't like writing in pencil because for some reason that makes my thoughts feel less real.

i don't cry when i write
but i cry when i go back
and read what i wrote
as if someone else's
voice spoke the words
that my mind creates

i will never dull my sparkle for the purpose of you shining brighter than me.

by telling me you didn't like it when i dyed my hair, you were telling me that you didn't like me. maybe you didn't realize that, but i did and i'll never forget it.

self love is not crying in public and not caring what people think

fall in love with looking in the mirror.

i can apologize for making you feel uncomfortable. but i will never apologize for being myself. and it's your mistake for ever thinking i would.

don't ever let a boy tell you that it's not okay for girls to *******. just another thing they are jealous of. they'll never be able to do it as well as you.

this life is for me, not anyone else.

something about filling in my eyebrows makes me feel powerful

he told me he didn't want this to change anything
but i don't think i've been the same since he touched me
thinking about his hands makes me uncomfortable
and maybe that's because the first time he fingered me it wasn't even in my own bed.
or maybe it's because the first time he fingered me, i'm not sure i even wanted him to.

i liked getting wine drunk with you.
or maybe i just liked being with you.
or maybe i just like you.

he told me he felt at his most vulnerable with someone else's lips around him.
maybe he'll soon understand how vulnerable i feel every time i'm around him because i know he has the capability to hurt me.

i told him that i wish i could hate him.
you're such a good guy, i said.
that's so ******* annoying, i said.
i don't want to hate you, i thought.
i wish i could love you.

i think about how much i love that you keep a journal and write in it every night. and how badly i wish to be one of the things you write about.

i'll stare at you from across the room
knowing that i can never
have you again.
yet you're here sitting on my couch
and there is pain in my heart
because there is barely any space
between us.
yet i've never felt farther from you.

i'm afraid to be in love.
i'm afraid to be in love because i've never been in love before.
i'm afraid to be in love because i think that love is going to hurt so badly.
i'm afraid it's going to wear me down and break me until i cannot stand on my own.
i'm afraid that i'll give so much to one person and be left with nothing when they leave.
i'm afraid they'll always leave.
i'm afraid that it will hurt so much.
i'm afraid to be in love.

i knew what i was getting myself into the second he said "no feelings attached" i said "of course" but my tear stained pillow said differently. you told me i made the first move, but you made the first move away. but silly me, i should have known the only way out was going to be painful. because, when it comes to me there are always feelings attached.

you told me not to tell anyone you kissed her
but
i told you not to kiss her

it all comes down
to who you look for
in a crowded room
and
i think i'll look for you
forever