when i thought i knew
what was best for myself

when in-fact

what i knew
was the worst.

angry was not the right word
and i'm sorry
that i chose that word
but my tears turned into frustration
and my frustration mimicked angry
because sometimes i don't know how to say how i feel
and sometimes the wrong word comes out
and i'm sorry
that this time
the wrong word was directed towards you

i'm sorry
for the day that
i mistook your words for his
i can't control the comparisons
that my brain makes
and i'm not thankful for him
but i am thankful for what he taught me
and i am thankful that he brought me to you
and i will learn the difference of your words
because your words were never his
and never will be
because you are not him
and never will be
you are you
and that's why i love you

this is me
writing about being happy
and i still don't really know how to do that
which is why
this poem is barely even a poem
but i need to learn how to write when i'm happy
so for now
this will have to do.

every time
i let someone ready my poetry for the first time
they all say the same thing
"i had no idea you wrote like this"
those same words came out of
so
many
different mouths
and i'm still deciding if i find comfort in them or not
i keep asking myself
why not just share with everyone
why not put it out there for all to see
why not
why not
why not
because if i do that
is it even for me anymore?
maybe this should stay something special
for only the worthy to see
this isn't for the heartbreakers or the toxic friends
not everyone who has a poem written about them
deserves to hear that poem
but
the other part of me is so proud
and i want everyone to know
because sometimes
i want everyone to know
i write like this

i feel guilty for not wanting to write
it's because i feel like i have
nothing
to
write
about
and i don't want to force ink out of this pen
but maybe that is exactly what i'm supposed to do
train my body to talk about the things even this pen
doesn't want to talk about
and this pen will hear it first
even before i truly understand it
and it feels weird to force myself to write
but the things is
maybe i'm not forcing myself at all

it's the season of feeling grateful
and the first person i want to be grateful for
is myself