i liked getting wine drunk with you.
or maybe i just liked being with you.
or maybe i just like you.

he told me he felt at his most vulnerable with someone else's lips around him.
maybe he'll soon understand how vulnerable i feel every time i'm around him because i know he has the capability to hurt me.

i told him that i wish i could hate him.
you're such a good guy, i said.
that's so ******* annoying, i said.
i don't want to hate you, i thought.
i wish i could love you.

i think about how much i love that you keep a journal and write in it every night. and how badly i wish to be one of the things you write about.

i'll stare at you from across the room
knowing that i can never
have you again.
yet you're here sitting on my couch
and there is pain in my heart
because there is barely any space
between us.
yet i've never felt farther from you.

i'm afraid to be in love.
i'm afraid to be in love because i've never been in love before.
i'm afraid to be in love because i think that love is going to hurt so badly.
i'm afraid it's going to wear me down and break me until i cannot stand on my own.
i'm afraid that i'll give so much to one person and be left with nothing when they leave.
i'm afraid they'll always leave.
i'm afraid that it will hurt so much.
i'm afraid to be in love.

i knew what i was getting myself into the second he said "no feelings attached" i said "of course" but my tear stained pillow said differently. you told me i made the first move, but you made the first move away. but silly me, i should have known the only way out was going to be painful. because, when it comes to me there are always feelings attached.