I had spilled
My heart out to them
And expressed
My desperate wish
To join their ranks.

They decided
Without my knowledge
To help me
And am not sure how
Aware they were

Of the fact
I had Intoxicated them
With over-thought
Timing and manipulative
Words and also some tears.

Maybe in
Their subconscious they
Knew, because
They wittily called
The operation W.I.N.E.

(But I am
Grateful for their help
At least in
Retrospect, I know
I did not fight alone.

I was not
Fighting against them
I was fighting
Against myself and
Together we won. )

I am not myself in that
I cannot seem
To bring myself
To care, which
Not only
Feels wrong
But is also
Against everything
I believe in.
In not caring
I retract myself
From my surroundings
And disregard
Those around me
It's everything I
Go against, and
Is a recipe for
Hurt, but I
Cannot bring myself
To care.

There's a patch of grass
Which is familiar
But from which I have been
Away for too long
Things have changed since
I was last there
Changed for the better
But still I am scared
Of going back
To the place
Where I had first
Forced myself
Upon them
Being there with them
Now
Seems weird and
Somewhat wrong
As if we are regressing
As if it will
Take us back
To square one.

I am a crier
I cry freely and
Easily at any small thing
Which is why I do not
Consider the tears
Sliding down my cheeks
At these moments
As crying.

They are just there,
Taking their usual course
While I go about
My business
Not ignoring them, exactly
But disregarding them,
They are
Just there and they
Change nothing.

But their feeling lingers
Longer on my cheeks-
It wasn't crying
Therefore I had no reason
To wipe them away.

And away from you
And forced onto others
I want them to feel me
As much as you do.

I want them to touch
My bare flesh physically,
Human proximity
Is all that I need.

I take walks alone,
Because I just cannot,
Be so near these humans
Who aren't close enough.

I find my comfort,
In the small baby girl
Who will so gladly ******
Her arms around me.

Her cold fingers touch
Both my neck and my cheeks
Her hair curly and light,
Soft against my chin.

Her heart beat reminds
Me of your chest which is
There, and warm and solid
Beneath my own head.