maybe it is all shadows that I see
an overlay drawn in china white
on tracing paper
laid over everything
with a crinkled sigh
and a puff of cold breath
I am on the verge of finding
as I have fallen over the hill in fading
and painfully telling myself I have forgotten.
yet none of that is true

if it is one thing we are all masters of,
finely tuned lies we ingrain into ourselves
as if it were the only way to keep afloat
and to slowly sink at the same time
as the leaks stream grey blasts of light
into those dark places
we try so hard to keep

and why hold onto the shadows
when they just serve as places for
things to doggedly survive
and age.

I am not sure there is enough tape
left on the spindle of the spool of my heart
to quite fix you.
I could try
I could lie
I could run away..
or just procrastinate
to wait until the unsavory fumes
have blown over

Like certain lovers standing
amongst a slant of light

face to face
as if a public place fell away
hand touching face

I am just a pillar
of a building
quietly austere
made of pebbles pressed together

our lives will pass one another

momentarially brushing,

the particles of a second
would dust  fingertips

with the years I have spent
trying to attain some certain
something

all the shoes that pass, tied to feet
sewn together by ligaments
woven muscle, embroidered with nerves

in a puff of smoke
the only fragrance to this bitterness
on a threadbare winter day
the sun shone from squinted eye
we stood face to face
through thin curtains of blue

Look at them for
who they are
the things that knit and pull
the tender threads
of thought
dragging them across tepid
pools of punctured peace

You come traipsing through my mind
like a herd of deer
grazing on the patches
of thought
I'd tried to keep a secret

Oh- you know I tried,
but the forbidden things always taste better
with a glass of disdain
to wash everything down
I am a small pebble
laying at the foot of boulders
somehow both get ground away
all the same

and If I could find the way out
of my own head
I would humbly give you the keys
I'm sure you'd do a better job than me
so since there are no keys fashioned for such a place
I will keep making
my own mistakes
and I'll leave you to yours

Healing the pain of the past

Escaping the hold of your mask

Learning new ways to a brighter future

People who are caring and like to nurture

Am i the fool
i keep coming to you
like you listen to me
whenever i speak
or when i yell
and cry, i can tell
you dont seem hurt
or bothered by my tears
you dont even care about my fears
so why do i come back to you?
i must be the fool
im too blind to see
your the one hurting me
but i dont want to know
because i love you so
how can you be the one whose bad
but if your not then why am i so sad?
im too afraid to let you go
my confidence in others is so low
please dont turn out to be like them
my love is true, i promise its not pretend!
ive never felt my heart beating so fast
and all you did was walk past

I left a seat for you
on my table for two
my heart is waiting
my mind is hating...

your tea is getting cold
and im getting old
will you ever come for me?
how long do i have to plea

i look out the window through the bars
then i see you from afar
i didnt know you were having fun
i guess in your mind im the last one

why did you leave me here
drowning in my tears?
you know im stuck in this place
all i wanted was to see your face

smiling at me, sitting together
even if it wont be forever
your smile is all i really need
but i want that smile to be for me

I heard some news about you
and im really hoping its not true
do you know how much i love you
how much i care and support you!
how much ive WASTED MY LIFE FOR YOU!
i dont know what to say
and yes my hands are starting to shake
but you have to look at me
the truth you have to tell me
only the truth
i never wanted you to be like them
i thought you were different
dont....dont prove me wrong
and break my heart
because your the only one who has it,
i am broken, a broken soul
and i gave my heart to you
while it was still bruised
i...i trusted you....i trusted you
please...please dont let it be true
i beg of you...

If it was you
and you know who you are
if you stole him away
you better run far

i don't play games when it comes to him
he is my one true love
if you stole his mind away
you better ready the doves

i was so afraid at first
but now i don't care who
ill make it my goal to find you all!
just wait till i get my hands on you

you'll wish you never did what you did
but till then you better be wishful
he has never ever turned to you (or ever will)
because if i know that he has, its gonna get personal

Blast it! All the ******* clocks,
I'll die if I hear ticking tocks.
All the fleeting, thoughtful lips,
Breathing down the slender dips.
I know the sounds of morning dew,
All my looming habits threw
My books across a crowded room
To show our cold, impending doom.
All these clocks, this passing time,
In broken English lacking rhyme.
Alone, alone, alone but tell
The fragile boy's abandoned shell
To hold the thought in neurotic mess,
And wait to dare what he confess.

There they go, breathe down the necks
Of lover's lost too far to vex.

Panic strikes me
as I realize that
I'm alone

Alone for the first time--
and I don't know
what to do with myself

All these people
Insistent beeping, buzzing,
rolling, shutting

My collective mind
Unraveling
Before my eyes as I have
No one to talk to
to
Connect
with

Floundering
thumbing through
my contacts
to find someone

Anyone

To make me feel wanted,
to feel that my company,
even if through a phone,
is wanted, that I am
desirable

As I fold in on myelf
the Layers turning inward,
eating themselves--

The waitress leans down and asks:

Is everything okay?

I respond, muttering:

mmhm.

It's killing me from the outside in
you know...

But I don't say that

As the layers fold,
the only thing that remains
is a scared little girl
just as frightened as she was
the day she opened her eyes
underwater
and looked around
and realized how eerily
vast and deep the water was...

It still scares her.
It scares me.
And I realize
that the one thing
I can't stand more than
Anything
more than death itself:
is being alone.

Why?

Because when I am
alone with my thoughts
That vastness
that deep ocean of nothingness
bathed in a burning, purified chlorine
Haunts me

Because I cannot fill it,
not even with the deepest of thoughts,
the most vivid sentiments
Cannot satisfy the depths
of the reflective blue against
a slate of unfeeling cement