I have already written about you in every obituary

You were only caught because of a drop of blood; your only life force has gotten you strapped to the electric chair yet you show no emotion; no remorse for years of thievery; you are the insecure narcissist that wallows in self pity and only comes out when there's a 2% chance of rain

I will always write about you; the schema, the concept, the idea of you

*You are the alibi for when my thoughts stray.

I wonder if people are like walking; so present and still felt whilst absent

And I've heard "you spend so much time alone" well at least I spend time with someone; alone is not alone
And I've been counting up my good days to the very minute and there still aren't enough

Still waiting for the seasons to change; been stuck in a never-ending winter and I am not my seasons anymore

I am the trees around us that are okay in the winter and that decay once in a while and I am the seeds that come once in a while

I am not time I am human and what a beautiful time to be alive when you're alone and food goes away so fast I believe that if we count our good days we will be content

And I know that I am loved but that is not enough

How does the sun get its radiance emerging from centuries upon centuries of reactions
Similar to the ones in my belly when you walk up to me on our favorite weekends

If true love could exist then why was I born to unhappy parents and unhappy hands tore me out of the womb

And I cannot begin to solve the enigma of how love tends to fade but who am I to say that we were not in love and who am I to decide your fate (my love, you wanted to and you did so very often on our unfavorite weekdays)

And who am I to say I cannot wait until the weekends?
Who am I to wish away five-sevenths of my year to drown myself in 'self-fulfilling' activities that get me through five long days of things I am no longer passionate about?

And to that, I say I am human!
And I am a product of nature and like the pigs and the penguins I like having *** and I like to eat and I shall do as I please!

So please do not try to convince me that I cannot decide for myself; it is this illusion that gets me through three-hundred and sixty five days every year

I don't want to fall asleep to the sounds of beautiful music crafted by people so intimately distant from me anymore
And that was when I decided that I was in love one day and it was rather strange
Because I wanted to hear you breathing and hear you living albeit it's a little difficult to arrange but I wanted it

I thought a lot about it and i wasn't convinced about my feelings untill I woke up (a little sleepy) and i was angry

I don't want the bags under my eyes to be caused by bothers and pests and chores I want you to be the sole actor of my dark circles and the only belligerent force causing my daytime sleepiness

But I still cannot be in love because you do not exist.

Everything is moving so fast and I wish you didn't think you liked me and I wish you didn't think you loved me because I'm tired of spending my evenings speculating what made you think otherwise

Does one manufacture feelings?

Your body is a feeling's factory and I'm afraid you've fired all your underpaid workers

I'm weaving my way into your factory but it's just not working

Nonetheless, I am tired of being locked out of your office (the heart)

And I believe that organs are chambers that one chooses to close

But *******, how'd I begin to feel this way

As I lay in my bed
I think of thoughts that are best left unsaid
And I scrape and I scratch and search the cabins of my brain
And I take it with a grain
Not of salt, not of pepper
Not even bo bepper
But a grain of *******
And I snort and I covert until I feel it in my nose
And the substance makes its way to my toes
And it's fast and it's brash
And I suddenly crash

And that's only with a little hello

i said i'd speak to you on January 1 at 12:01
a new year, a new year i supposed
I thought maybe I'd be a part of your new years resolutions
But who really accomplishes those?

I thought about it every second until new years and i crafted my sentences ever so eloquently

And I knew you'd laugh at me because you never thought of me in those moments and those are parts of my life that i cannot redeem

My love, I don't know what's wrong because I'm not in love with you I just want to say hello

But it's February and I never really pressed send

But I imagine that I did

And that, has made all the difference. Goodnight.