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Hedonic Nihilist Jan 2016
her first love was mary jane
she would've loved me, too,
if i was easy to wrap up,
put in her mouth and swallow

if i could make her shiver
in the warm, Florida sun
and sweat in the
cold decembrist moon

if i could cause the coughs
Within her swallow lungs
The dreams she clung too so desperately
I am not easy to roll up

his first love was ******
he wanted me too, too much
i didn’t want to be the blood
in his veins, the life

when ****** ***** the life
out of you, you **** the life
out of it, the weekends that
it wished for:

become empty syringes
on the floors of
cheap motels and
Honda Civics.

his first love was codeine
i want to float too, i say
you cannot, he says
i sink into the abyss i create

i used to have so many colors, i say
no response, he fades away, the
colors of the night, the reds,
are all i start to know

he said to **** the sadness out
of naive girls they have to lose their skin
codeine, codeine, codeine–my God,
was all he ever said

my first love was Dead
no sympathy, no remorse, no hearse
the urn was blue, the ashes gray as cigarette ash
the preacher sighs, again

it could’ve been you, he says
**** right, it could’ve been me;
in that urn, it could’ve been me
my first love is Dead
Hedonic Nihilist Nov 2015
i have to remember that
they are better in my memories
time uses its sweet fog to water down
the bitter Whisky of the past

i want to know that it is futile to
remember things that are dead
i want to live in a present with no past,
like christmas day

to be free of them and all of
the stunted growth of my youth
i am incongruous for faults
not of my own

to be whole again, to wash my
body clean of dirt i never
meant to get beyond my clothes
i wish it was simple

i live in a pink fog of discontent,
uncertainty and an entropy
that is only exacerbated
by soft touch and holiness

but i live for times when my
head is at bay; no reticent lover,
no sweet life could divert me
from my path again
Hedonic Nihilist Aug 2015
he ruined drugs for me the day i met him.

i didn't want to love before--I'm not the same person I was;

i loved someone who never loved me, who never saw
me in any light (i'm still the dark)

he ruined ****; i loved it now its slow palpitations,
turned into waves: i don't feel home at home anymore

i'm drunk to myself
he ruined hard liquor, made every face
seen like his (i love beards now)
it's awesome to pretend i've gotten over someone
months away

free association turns into him--what does he represent?
a desire in my subconscious to be at bay;
something that may never come
i'm not the person i could be when i was happy

i was happy.
i drink beer and get high to forget
the one who gave me my first beer
my first tab
hard liquor

i'll use these means to travel back to you;
i don't want this, i don't need this
how can i leave these states?
i want to float on clouds

i mean nothing to something in my thoughts
i don't understand
i'll drunk text everyone but you
the one who'd drunk text me
Hedonic Nihilist Aug 2015
remember my love,
we **** flowers when we put
them into vases
Hedonic Nihilist Jul 2015
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I don’t want a love like the fireworks–explosive, colorful, perhaps ideal for Instagram filters
instead a quiet love, for pictures for ourselves: unperfection is no flaw love
I don’t want love like the wind! Don’t run from me; we are more than the seasons
instead let us ditch the way the world can pull on us.
I don’t want a love with you if you love me at my worst
instead make me love you until I’m at my best
I want to go home to midnight talk
and you can bring those elusive
fireworks into my tummy.
forget that i am
i’m dying to meet you:
no-one in this world
has made me feel much of much of much

repeat words to me you love
even if it’s just the rolling of your tongue
that brings you pleasure’
i can move for you, for you, for you

i have not met you yet–but
when I do, pretend you never read my poems
because this cadence, it didn’t start for you.
I was in love before; in all the wrong ways and places

There are rivers where I left my
teenage innocence
The holidays of my youth are dwindling
please make my mouth curve up
for my last Christmas and birthday as a kid

Make me regret missing dinners with my family
to do drugs I start to need;
don’t meet me. I am better off
Hedonic Nihilist May 2015
it was a day in spring
and my vision was red–a
monochrome of the senses
i look at my knees and they
are scrapped

i look at my eyes and they are red
i look on my bed and i see red,
the bud of the bud is still there
but i do not remember the day

i cannot leave the house;
i’m safer in my thoughts.
i understand why there were
Woolfs and Fitzgeralds before me

i will crystallize those weeks in my
words; we were too happy in
photographs; i go back to the places
we smiled and cannot breathe:
i look at myself and i cannot breathe.
(  • )                                                                        

|    0    |

                             alien lover from another fathomless dimension

Come to invade our poetry                                                          
With PAIN !                

( • )

we build our lovers out of snow

In the mad coldness of our dying hearts


We shouldn't be surprised

When they melt


The sure and the simple grace

Of the one who loves


the fresh smile always there


We try to **** it so we don't

Feel ashamed


and then we say


When he 's forced to leave


Ah sweet girl


Sit right here with me awhile


sit right here till

The Creation is done


and the Gates open

And it's time to move on
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