we walk in pairs
holding the sides of strangers
to combat our inner wars
with the company
of flattering eyes
cheap drugs
and cheaper wine
aid our quest
to heal the inner aches
caused by the lonely city
for a moment
he holds me and I wonder
if this is how it should feel
though this is when his skeletons
are tucked in the closet
and I ate my secrets for dessert
so we crash into each other
at midnight
but the tide draws in at dawn
the wreckage of a storm
leaves me more lost
than driftwood
because we all know what it's like
to wake up, eyes open
in an empty bed
and realize, all at once
the goddess of insecurities
must reign over us all

I clench my teeth so hard
that I've given myself
a permanent headache
always have an advil
in my back pocket
except I used to chase it
with a tall glass of him
because he was like rain
the kind of downpour
you'd go outside to feel
without an umbrella
opened up your mouth
and looked up to the sky
didn't you feel so alive?
as the water reached
every pore, even the ones
you never knew you had
(but now the rain is gone)
and this was before
we disconnected
my body from your soul
removed the morning dew
from the cold grass
traded evergreens for oaks
droplets for ice
only to realize
a new coast
was not a new life
so now, every time
the clouds form
I think of you
and your rain jacket
when everything feels so heavy,
I miss your light love
the way it trickled
down my face
as your hands trickled
down my spine
didn't you feel so alive?

I once found solace
in your arms
before everything changed

I was raised by a practical man
who boiled love down
to a chemical equation
which is why my idea of tenderness
is so messy, broken
an expression
that could never be balanced
by the most careful scale

eventually I gave up on chemistry
and I tell you it's because
those rubber gloves
made my hands itch
when really,
I couldn't handle the lab
since I was already a specimen
being examined
under your microscope

the thing is, in school,
they taught me about
the reproductive system
and how to wash your eyes
if an experiment goes wrong
but no one ever told me
what to do when the human touch
looses its healing power
no teacher ever gave me an A
just for waking up in the morning
which is the hardest test
and I do it daily

we tripped up the stairs
when we were kids
not knowing it was a metaphor
for what was to come
together, we huddled over laughing
when we reached the top
since the stumbles
left bruises on our knees
but never on our souls
unlike the steps we climb now
that take us to floors
we never meant to go to
and though I have seen you fall
so many times, my brother
each time you rise
with a grace that triumphs
your exhausted eyelids and
burned brain, remnants of
the tabooed chemicals
we made pinky-promises
never to do
none of it touched
the sincerity behind
your crooked smile
the boy that walked me home from school
when our mom was too busy
is still in those baby brown eyes
that wave at me
even over the telephone
to be honest, my brother
you give me more hope
than any self-help book
through the struggle, sorrow, and Celexa
never surrendering
to the stairs of life
and just like children
you hold out your hand
to help me up
though my knees are too sore
my heart too battered
one day I will join you
on the second floor

gleaming white teeth
whisper such simple lies
that weave such complex emotions
until the blanket of insecurities we share
separates us from reality
instead we sit by a fire
reading from a storybook
telling us of tales
that are not our own
and as we sip tea that burns
the roofs of our guilty mouths
while we both wish we could change
and gain some tragic
but beautiful sense
of intimacy
that has so long evaded
the tips of our grasping fingers

when I was seven
I dreamed of swimming
out into the exact middle
of the Pacific Ocean
the taste of saltwater
probably easier to stomach
than the liquor shots we need
just to be around each other
drowning under the pressure
of young adulthood
I swear I was only seven
when I realized
I was a perpetual listener
attracted to slow sounds
and the comfort of quiet
it was twelve years ago
I predicted that
someday the noises of the city
would flood my consciousness
and suffocate my spirit