middle of the night
woke to find you absent
in the permeating darkness
broken only by red embers
shadows of smoke
kept me company
because it was too hard
to stay sober
when the demons came out
from under the bed
and the brake lights
of passing cars
were reflected on
the naked walls

I feel I am sleeping too much
a ceaseless state of daze
trying to skip the
thrills of consciousness
instead I aim for
the innate ease found
in a resting heartbeat
I can never dream
but if I could
I'm sure I would dream
about the day
that I graduate from being
a place holder between sheets
to photo in a frame
next to the pillow
where we rest out heads

backpack of guilt
heavy reminder
the unforgiving weight
of myself

finding solace through
destructive ease
because I have never
regulated my rhythms
to a song that suits my mind
so it feels like I'm dancing alone
in a silent room
perhaps it's because
I could never find the volume ***
on my own life

you say my name
like you know me
more than
the crevices of my body
and the pitch of my voice

though you don't know
what makes my spine curve
or the thoughts
behind the endorphins
birthmarks, moles, scars
all easy to trace with your finger
but you can't kiss
deflated pride or loose morals

I play self destruction
like an olympic sport
except my gold medal
seeps into my bone marrow
but leaves no trace
on my weathered skin

so instead you say my name
unaware of your ignorance
unaware of my inner ghosts

it's Sunday morning
which means at nine
I'll have an existential crisis
in a stranger's bed
but the most intimate
part of the morning
is when I call my father
on the walk home
in hysterics I tell him
my innocence meter ran out
and instead of tickets
on my windshield
I'm left with ***** memories
that clog the drain
I ask for a plunger
since no shower will rid me
of the awareness
that I find validation
in making eyes roll
into the back of heads

I think I was thirteen
when I shipped myself out
to the sea of solitude
since then I've tried rowing
back to shore but
currents of discontent
are hard to fight
inevitably I gave in
to the candy-coated
pills and powders
and the minty fresh breath
of men lurking in corners
almost as sweet as sanity
eventually I overdosed on emotions
but I was only trying
to rid myself of feeling
since I was never good
at walking on the tightrope
between wanting and reality
at this point I don't know
who to apologize to
since Hallmark doesn't have cards
for sincere self loathing

it's just that
some days it's really hard
to keep your voice even
when your mother asks
if you're slipping