he calls me a budding alcoholic
a rose drowning in
too many rain drops
which is, perhaps, the sweetest
verbal shake-of-the-head
that I have ever received
now he starts talking
about confidence issues
and my ears turn inwards
the inadequacy that pumps
through my veins clots
as his syllables reach
the tip of his tongue
and slap my face
"it's because I care"
but he doesn't care
more than a pat on the head
when what I really need
is a little less honesty

this isn't love, I remind myself
as his fingers trace my clavicle
and follow the curve of my spine
maybe it's love's distant cousin
since it still spikes my heartbeat
minus the roses, the forehead kisses
the complications
like a strong dose of physical attraction
but when I wake up in the morning
I don't have to feel anything
the butterflies in my stomach
wither as the sun rises
their fleeting presence
makes my insides growl
I worry he'll hear as he leans in
and kisses me on the lips
before he leaves
quick and gentle
again I remind myself, this isn't love

stop asking my major
I'm pretty sure
there isn't an academic sequence
for self destruction
since I can't focus on genome sequences
I pretend my life is a trailer
for a low-budget film festival drama
and I come up with names for it
when I'm sitting alone in the library
"***, Drugs, and Radiohead"
"Hennessy and Coke-Zero"
or my personal favorite
"When Everyone Likes You (But You)"
I wonder if anyone will clap at the end

no, I wasn't always like this
I used to cry about the ozone layer
now excess calories upset me
more than excess carbon emissions
these days I spend half my life
inside parentheses
the other half with a therapist
she says I see too many things to be happy
but it's hard to shut your eyes
when clothes pins made of neurosis
keep them open until four in the morning
so I've learned to sleep with an eye mask
and a blanket of NyQuil
because there isn't a pill
for severe self awareness

I began to like my body more
when it was joined to a stranger's
I am sorry Shakira but my hips do lie
they told me that self worth correlates
to the amount of goosebumps on my upper thigh
and the number of first names in my contacts
because last names are too hard to type
in the darkness after the door shuts

I remember bodies more than faces
which in his case was beneficial
I liked him because he let me down
even more than I let down myself
and in some demented way
it was comforting
to have a relationship based
on mutual self disrespect
If you're both being used
can you really use each other?
you wanted to cuddle,
I wanted to watch you shower
you liked the smell of my hair,
I liked the roughness of your palms
alone together; together alone
but I'm not sure you noticed
that the most meaningful way
in which we communicated
was through clicks of our teeth
and the rustle of sheets

I have never met love
but I have seen it from across the room
it's just that I was unable to extend my arm
long enough to shake its hand
instead I daydream about you raising your voice
because the indifference is so cold
and I need some anger to keep me warm
when I forget my mittens and my confidence in California