you spend too much time
in your own head
that one of these days
you'll get locked in.
Draw the blinds of your eyes
shut the door of your mouth
stuck inside, alone
except for the demons
who hide in your mind's closet.
Your shelter transforms
and you are sentenced
to solitude
in a prison of thoughts.

shades drawn,
I tried to swim
in a sea of sheets
cursed by demons
with life-jackets
who would never drown-
and as I suffocate,
their chests continue to rise
they float, I sink.
Please float away from me,
this underwater magnet
of misery.
I am anchored in you,
Sending
Out
Sadness-
waiting to wash ashore.

they tell us not to be defined
by our bodies
yet my innocence is tied
to my *****'s status
my appeal tied
to the circumference of my thighs
though beauty may come
in all shapes and sizes
it is only recognized
as the number on the tag
of that little black dress
you match with heels
that cut into your ankles
and lead to stares
that cut into your confidence
"compliments" rain down
and you're not given an umbrella
or at least a ******* raincoat
so you end up drowning, sopping
wet with your sexuality
your ability play down your education
and play up your physical attributes
so my worth is tied
to how much i can disappear
my careful use of measuring cups
reading labels like books
but let me tell you,
there is nothing sensous about
shoving a spoon down your throat
and salads may be ****
but i can't have *** with you
when my blood sugar is this low
while you admire
my "womanly" curves
i am haunted by what it took
to get my stomach to lay flat
so **** the desire for delicate wrists
these expectations are too heavy to carry
in these ******* coach purses

i'd avoid the sunrise,
it reminds me of you
turn off my eyes around two
stay closed, stay closed
stitched them shut with regret
(out of Elmer's, out of gas money)
did spend his twenty dollars-
compensating for more
than a broken ******
forgot about the plan b
and stuck with plan a
high alone off cheap ****
bought from a kid who's got
a house in the hamptons
i guess we're all
living less than what
the college brochure says
or maybe more,
flip the campus map over
find us alone in our beds
fitting one, two on the mattress
not two, not both
one, two
find us alone
find us alone together
stay closed, stay closed
in the morning sink to the floor
up, shower, socialize, shrivel
to the friends who promised you an in
when you only wanted an out

entangled, entangled, entangled
we crash like opposite seas
desperate to aim our currents
towards each other,
if only for a moment.
My legs rest over yours
and I am glad I forgot
to cut my fingernails
as I trace your back
trying to imprint my presence
in some temporary, physical way.
I can see you eyeing me
digesting the surroundings-
the context of my heartbeat
all at once I realize
in a wave of melancholia
you like my body more than I do;
So I wonder
if you can sense
self consciousness in a stroke
or hear sadness in a sigh.
(It's later) right now, as I breathe
into your shirt that you left behind
taking in the back of your neck,
the door closing, the absence
all I seem to think about
is how someone can be
so gentle, yet so rough
all at the same time

the familiar sting
fills my nose
initiates the numbness
at ease, at ease
to give in is to lose
the remainder of my innocence
but am I so innocent
to have anything left to lose
weakness comes
in all shapes
and sizes
but invisibility only comes
in one shade
and there is only one door
to escape out of
so I write on my hand:
this is redemption
in permanent ink
so when I wake up tomorrow
groggy from the lines
cut on my biology textbook
I will remember
natural light only comes in
if the shades are pulled up
and the window is open

we walk on the beach
as I reset myself
to your clock
I asked if you had
enough room for me
in your eyes
you responded
with a smile
"always"
and those two syllables
seem to stretch
longer than the ocean
on that foggy horizon
and though I can't count
the grains of sand
than run through our toes
on this vacant beach
I don't need a lighthouse
to find my way
into your heart
you whisper "let me in"
but you're already closer
than ever before
hands laced
let us use the waves
as blankets
let me make a home
in your sweatshirt and stubble
let me find refuge
in your burning eyes
and let us walk forever
on this infinite stretch
of bittersweet heaven