I was standing in the mall
My Becky in tow
We were looking for dresses
That you already know
For I was texting you
And we had found the perfect ones
I had sent you 'A' picture
(You were lucky it wasn't tones)
But she needed matching shoes
So we hurried to the next shop
And that was when I got the call
But my heart didn't drop
It was from you !
I said HEY! ! In my usual happy tone
But it wasn't you
On the other end of the phone
He sounded like you
So it wasn't till his name rang in my ears
That I began to feel the pain
Then I felt the tears
I calapsed in a seat
As he began to rant on
Telling me how horible I was
And how I was 'wrong'
Saying to stay away
That this wasn't your choice
That you were to young
To have your own voice
I couldn't even fight
I just said okay
I hung up the phone
And I walked away
I was surrounded by people
I didn't know
Excluding one
Who saw the whole show
She hurried me out to the car
Where I could curl up and die
Because after that call
I could no longer cry

I left so I wouldn't be alone
And now I'm coming home
The tears that I wouldn't let fall
Rain as I stumble down the hall
My stomach churns like an empty pit
The door is closed like we left it
My cat is waiting  when it opens
His loving face is where my strength ends
I wrap him in my arms so tight
Wishing he could understand my fight
My family argues through the house
Wile I hide quietly as a mouse
Hiding in the closet that I once feared
I pretend that I have disappeared
Yes this is the home I've come home to
My home sweet home, what can I do?

Tears on my face
I run for my place
No shoes on my feet
I've admitted defeat
Mud between my toes
Fresh air in my nose
Spiders in the grass
Sprawled out on my ***
Clouds passing by
I stair up at the sky
Here I don't hide
What I'm holding inside
Here I can scream
Blow off my steam
Here you're not real
Here I don't feel
It's like I don't exist
A feeling I can't resist

This last place I can call my own
Where I can finally be alone

Hold up
Wait
What did you just say?
After so long of convincing me to stay?
You think I'm gunna run away

you're funny

I'm not worried about if I'll cut tonight
I'm not worried about the panic attacks I WILL have
I'm not worried about not being able to eat
Or throwing up anyway
Or crying when nobodies around
I'm not worried about me
I've been through this pain so many times
It's like a stupid broken record
That I'm about to just throw away

I'm worried about you. . . .
What are you doing?
Are you talking to her. . .
Forgiving her. . .
Learning to hate me. . . Finally. . .
Are you hurting, in your room
Are YOU able to eat?
Are you putting the knife down clean?
Are you waking up in sweats
Are you crying and broken?

Are you okay. . .

I guess I know you're not. . .
But I want to know how not okay you are. . .
I want to know that you are at least functioning
I want to know that your dad isn't hurting you
Physically or mentally
I want to know that you aren't alone
That no matter how much I hate him
He is there being your friend
Making you smile
Making you laugh. . . .
Because laughing always makes you feel better
And I know you hate being alone. . .
I don't want you to be alone

So I'm worried
And every time I think about you
Feeling the way I feel right now
I panic and I can't breath
I'm so worried that you are all I dream about
I'm so worried that when tomorrow comes
You will have your head down in the hall. . . .
Hearing nobody at all. . .
Alone. . .
I'm worried because I can't do anything
He said. . . To look walk the other way
And she will be watching. . .
Making sure I do nothing to help
Running to tell if I even smile at you
Wave. . .
I don't want to be the cause of more pain

Yes I'm worried. . .

I'm worried that I might of destroyed the most beautiful person I know

You know what I want?
I want you back in my bed
Back in my arms
Skin to skin
Your calm breath
And strong arms
Letting me fall asleep
Chasing all my fears away

I've never slept better then in your arms

I hate this
I
Hate
This
All the words I try to put down
Are so full of ****
You'd think I had crap stuck in my teeth
I'm tired
Really ******* tired
I'm tired of being told I'm crazy
By the craziest ***** I know
Tired of being told I'M trouble
By a man who would lock up his son
Tired of being treated like the problem
Just because it's the easest choice
And I'm really ******* tired
Of trying to rhyme my poems
Rhyming is beautiful
Rhyming has rythm
And right now I don't have the patience for either
My words do not have beauty
They are full of anger and PAIN
And they do not have rythm
They are wild and uncontrollable
It's unbarable
I am a writer
I am a ******* poet
I guess I just lost my muse