The happiness is what breaks me.
Would I be better off with no memory,
Of sun streaked highways and easy smiles
That face
That I wont forget
The heaven in his eyes
and long winded echoes of laughter
coming from some girl
in my body?
Would I be better off with no memory
And instead
Only grey?
So when I look back
The contrast doesn't hurt
The hands I now hold
are clammy
and the smell of pheromones
and filth
doesn't fulfill me,
like before.
Although this life is sweet
still the memory
of sun streaked highways,
when I twirled my fingers
in the wind
of the open car window,
my hair flapping,
when I was
more
than beautiful.
Still the memory returns
gaping at
some girl
of long ago
still inside of me.
Would I better off with no memory
so that the clammy hands
and clumsy footing
wouldn't bring me back
to the feeling that there was something greater.
The happiness is what breaks me.
Would I be better off with no memory?
so I could feel nothing
or everything
without a silver stream
clouding my new dream
Would I be better off with no memory?
So that this moment in front of me
is complete
For it
would be all,
All
that I would have
ever  
known.

Do you remember me little bug?
I was the one, the one with the small hands
stretching out.
I tried to hold your magic in my palm.
 I was the one that in awe
reached out
But like a snap dragon, 
in a blink, you were gone.

So my father,
he goes into the store to buy his $10 a pack for cancer
while he still attempts to hide his addictions from my sister and I.
Now I don't think it would bother me oh so much
but his frugal attempts to sweep the dust under the rug is like using a mop instead of a broom...
We see the crumbs leading to your door from the cookie jar.
Yes, we all have flaws, but you,
you
weave shamefully through the under layers of darkness, devoid of any resemblance to a heavenly nature, you fall like a night creature weaseling through crooked creaky cement alleyways, your gremlin spirit set ablaze.

LIFE, I revel and roll within the taste of each second, I run the grain of life across my tongue until saliva fills the creases and far reached corners of my mouth. I tap my finger to my lips like a true virtuoso, a connoisseur of life. Life.

My father's addictions completely derail me,
not even so the notion itself, I mean yes, but his blatantly obvious ways of avoiding confrontation not only from us, but also from himself.
Like Pinocchio's nose, my fathers back gets hunched more and more, his breath quickens when we draw close.
Father you are not prey, in fact if there be a predator, it is you unto yourself. I can no longer help but to roll my eyes when you tell me for the fourth time in the day that you must take out the trash so as to have a smoke.
I am fed up, excuse me sir, the trash will still be there no matter how many times you take out the "trash" .
The only "thing" that won't be left after you're repeated offenses of the benign chore will be you're dignity because you are so naive and ignorant in the way you dodge truth. How can you live respectfully when you don't respect yourself? Nor do you value what you are spitting out to your own daughters.
I am addicted to life,
I breathe it in with passion,
I embrace the truth within me
and have an eagerness to expand my wisdom.
How come father you do something that you know is a betrayal to yourself? How come you hide away in that old bar, the one with the flashing(flickering) light on the outside, dingy worn out red leather(plastic)booths on the inside, the bar located in some musty  little hole in you're brain and a blind spot on you're heart.
You sit in the back in a lonesome booth slumped like some chump, stuck in a stump, you ooze and wheeze not even grasping for air, no fight left within, you are like mucus, a toad melting into the ground. Sinister and swindling in the greed of you're gut. Your ***** mopey yellow eyes and the shameful acceptance as you indulge in the baths of life's luxuries whilst you poison your body, trash what you hold dear and continue to block out that little annoying voice.
The voice with the cracks in it,
worn out from you're games, the voice that nags and pleads. The one that catches you before you order another round, take another smoke break, the one that pulls you, tantalizes you with it's simple sweet natural charm in hopes of distracting you from your self harming ways.
The voice that chimes in the second you raise your fist to punch me. The voice that is screaming at you when you lock eyes with mine and can see my fear.
Yeah that voice, the little punk one that returns even after the crime of your actions has been committed.
After the music stops and it's just you and the world.
but even then
I don't think you will hear it.
You're living on the edge of the pavement father.
No you wont hear that voice, not when you're twisted and contorted into the sideways way of things. You killed that voice long ago, when you wound yourself deeper and deeper like a clock in time,
when you twirled yourself into that little empty pub, with a quiet pool table, with no hope, a sanctum of greed.
Yes, you're guilty, yes it was you.
It was you who killed the voice inside of yourself.
You killed it when you traded
your dignity and your truth
for yet another
$10 dollar pack of
emptiness,
lies,
and forfiet.

Oh mama we're broke,
Yes we're as broke as the August drenches during a drought. We're as broke as the old jar on the mantle, the empty one with the dust and flies that used to hold our spare pennies.
We're broke like the rust on pa's chevy or the must on the ripped leather seats
or broke
like the missing tooth in Ronnie's crooked smile.
We're broke like the clothes that no patches could repair, Lindie's dress scraggled at the hem like a piece of crinkled paper.
We're broke like the cupboard with the peeling paint,
limp lifeless and bare.
We're broke like the old mutt of a dog that has surrendered to the unmopped floor.
We're broke like the work on my brothers back or like the young un's toys, soiled with the earth.
We're broke like the old tin that once held coffee,
we're broke like the spoat but the tap ran dry.
Oh me, oh my , we're broke.
We're broker than condiments, broker than the pots of watered down soups, broker than pa's tobacco pipe, broker than my overalls, held together by twang, or broker than the dried out grain of our raspy field.  We're broker than the pitchfork, the ones thats missing two teeth.We're broker than the wintertime potato stew kind of broke, the one that brings a frosty bite.We're broker than the fight or the struggle, we're at the bottom of this cascading chain. At the core of our selves. We're broker than this dry ridden soil underneath my nails. Broker than a frown, now only a smile, we're broker than the layer of dust at the bottom of the barrell. We're broker than resentment.
Oh man were broke Mama!
So won't you please come home?