I can remember when I left you,
No.
When I saved you,
No.
When I condemned you.
When you offered me your heart and your lust and I took them into my own and cursed myself with the role of a lover.
I accepted the gift but at least I felt conflicted.
Enough so to soon see that giving you joy meant denying what I am.

I am nothing but contradictions.
A hypocrite with a most debauched nature.
While I wished for nothing more than the red of your petals,
So too did I wish to lay with the weeds.
Much closer to my own kind,
like me they choke the beauty from flowers.
Only with a little less love in their grasp.
So I shifted from you and in poetic spirals of ink I set you free.
At least that's how I saw it.

But now I realise just how much damage a week with me is worth.
Your eyes look dimmer.
A layer of spite and tears stop me seeing any further than that.
Your petals didn't fall but they certainly faded.
What was red became black,
A hell I never wished for you,
And I can only pray that your shade is much more superficial than mines.
I hope it will wash clean and reveal a purer white than a spotless bride.
But that's just a dream.

Hearts are easy to see when they're worn on ones sleeve,
And I've changed hers for the worse.
A fate I had not foreseen and now she can't even see me.
Everything I once admired has drifted from her face.
But it's been replaced by perfection of a different sort.
Had this been clear to me I could have hid who I was.
It would have been worth it.
Just to leave her as she was.

If I confront her will she pour this new life into me and be as she should be?
Or will I leave her in the same void of pain and passion I found myself in?
I swore to watch over those left behind on the path to bliss,
But not those I dragged back myself.
If only I could send her back on the path.

Another letter perhaps.

Dear Rose.
I love you.
I'm so, so sorry...

darling wouldn't you let me haunt you for a few minutes
when you're sleeping & cold & sweating & dying
I'm a God, the sky and a girl
I'll kiss your mouth until you bleed flowers
and stroke your fingers with my thumb
until you get pins and needles
and ****** every intention you ever had of hurting yourself
I'm merely a butterfly fighting with a lion
in a game of toss and tumble
under bedsheets and in swimming pools
the ****** and the ecstasy that balance on the tip of your tongue
and in the crook of your elbow
are what grounds and holds you
but my love for you is what saves you
sinks you
kills you
makes you crave redemption
but I'm not the daisy or the tulip which you have in the vase beside your bed
I am the cat you always throw out
due to mewing too loud at 3am
and trying to cuddle beside you
just as you drift off to sleep.
I am but a God, the sky, a girl
And you are but a God
The earth
And a boy.

They say when water drops hit your head
They help to inspire thoughts
I suppose that's why
When I took a shower
I found myself thinking about her
About how she makes me feel
I stood there, letting
The steaming drops
That had once been the tears of clouds
Bring me back to such great heights
To every cliché that falls under the category
Of that one, single deadly word
The balloon inflates
I fly away
And I'm trying to convey the feeling
By making senseless analogies
About the barter system

"Imagine a time before we got rid of
The barter system
Imagine the biggest herd
Of livestock
Every single cow in the world
All compiled together
Imagine all those potential burgers
And the sheer size of
That herd
And that is about a fraction
Of what I feel"

The Brother's Grimm had a statement
About how much infinity is
They spoke of an enormous mountain
Made entirely of glass
And that every hundred years
A hummingbird would
Sharpen its beak
Against the mountain
And when the mountain had finally
Been whittled away to nothing
The first second in infinity
Had passed

If I could make an analogy
Equivocal to that
To describe how she makes me feel
I would
The closest I got was the cows

I can't aim when I kiss her
And I can't stop smiling
For very long
And I can't help giggling
When she raises her eyebrows
In that adorable way of hers

I used to be satisfied
With not feeling terrible
My scale of happiness
Stopped at ten
And ten was labeled
"Not terrible"
But now, I realize
That there is a whole universe
Of happiness
Beyond ten

It's like being shown
How to fly
You never believe it until it's happening
And your arms are outspread
And behind them, sprouted from your shoulders
Are your wings, pumping away
Pushing the air back toward Earth
Pummeling gravity in a defiance
That only flying can

And it doesn't matter about the end
If it ends well, if it ends terribly
It doesn't matter
Because I have been shown
The other side of
"Not terrible"
I have something, if nothing else
To believe
A big scary word
A big cliché
A belief worthy of Westley
Is worthy of me
Because she. . .
She is worth being treated
Like Buttercup

The one phrase that broke my heart
Could very well break it again
But if it does, I can always mend it
"I can live without love"
It gets me every time
But I can stitch every cut
Can overlook every scar
That shows up on my heart
Suture self, and I can

She has lifted me up to such great heights
And I'll inadvertently do what Billy Joel says
And tell her about it
Because the least I can do
For the woman who has opened my eyes
Has enlarged my heart
Has befuddled my mind
Has ******* my tongue
Is let her know
Just how spectacular she makes me feel

The steam continues
Long after the drops are gone
And lingering with the steam
Is a giant smile
The like of which
Only she can bring

I could write you poems with flowery language and fancy words
Or I could write you a song
But no amount of words can possibly describe how I feel about you
It's really vague and I'm very unsure
And a spark can turn into a flame which would most probably end in a catastrophe
That is why I choose to ignore the electrical signals transmitting in my neurones
I choose to ignore the feelings you're making me feel