I'm going to be heart broken again.
Because everything you ever said, was just the same but interpreted differently.
I feel lost.
I'm trapped in a small wooden boat, cast out to sea.
The sea is calm, but there is no land to be found.
I feel the time passing, with no explanation as to whether it's moving forward, backward, or if it's really just staying still.
I'm not sure if I'll ever reach the shore.
I'm not sure if I'll ever find the grips on the oars attached to the side of the boat.
My hands are too slippery, for I am nervous that you have stopped searching for me in this sea of desolence.
Eventually, I will wipe my hands off on my pants, grip the oars with determination, and paddle forward, praying that time is moving along with me.
And hopefully once I reach the shore,  I will be sure about my life, and sure about our entire situation.
And maybe,  your hand will be there at the dock waiting to pull me in.

What even is honesty anymore?
I surely do not know.
Because we all seem to be hiding something from one another.
It's tragic, really.

The silence absorbs us, as drunken bodies connect
And I feel my judgement slip from my head, and to the floor.
I feel passion overcome me, as my heart is racing, telling me to slow down.
But love is a force that drives me crazy, and at this point there's no control anymore.
And at the time it seems right, and my heart feels fine,
Knowing that you are mine as long as we last.
But there will be a day, when my dreams slip away,
Like how my judgement slipped to the floor.

I see you going places
While I am stuck here,
Rattled with fear,
Absorbed with the thought of losing you.

Routines are the mind's way of playing tricks on you.
And when you reach a point of breaking, a point of severe uncontrollable emotional damage,
The damage, of course, inflicted upon you by yourself,
Will suffocate you and in the process, proceed to shove you against a wall without any last words.
And in that moment, you feel like crying,
But you know, that there is no point in crying anymore.
There is no point in pondering, no point in asking, "why?"
You will find that you, yourself are nothing but a mere fraction of the mammalia kingdom,
With nothing but processed emotions, fake attitudes, controversial peers, and material objects that mean absolutely nothing to the outside observer.
You are nothing but a stupid monkey with "designer" fashion,
Nothing but a human with this bizarre concept of love that masks the lust you feel deep in the night as you crave someone's arms around your broken body.
You are nothing but a victim to life and all of life's offerings.
I am nothing.
I am minuscule.
I am a victim to society,
A victim to pop culture,
A victim to perfection,
A victim to succeed,
A victim to wealth and prosperity,
A victim to living in its own,
But most importantly, I am a victim to my own mind.
And that, I feel, is the single most cruel thing that could possibly happen to myself.
There is no point in success without a driving force pushing you to succeed,
And if I were granted success with no specific driving force then why should I be granted it?
If I worked for hours just scraping the surface of some magical discovery only to be brought down with negative feedback,
Why do I fail?
Why do I fail constantly?
Why do I tell myself that I am smart when I do nothing to prove so?
I am nothing but a victim to my own mind,
And the only escape is to die.
I am nothing.

I'm intoxicated.
This evening is magical.
But I cannot remember my name.
Who am I?
What is this life?
Who says I live while I watch others die?
I do not understand the higher power that dropped me here.
Why me, of all people?
Why should I stay here and watch others suffer, when I cannot do anything to help?
I just want everything to be happy.
It is Christmas morning;
I do not want gifts,
I do not want magic,
And I surely do not want snow.
I want peace on this earth,
And I want to know that death is something accomplished,
Rather than given.
Like a letter, of acceptance,
Rather than a letter of sentence.
I want the world to know that I love it.
I want all the people to know that I care.
I want the universe to know that I'm ready for it,
To take me away,
One soft summer day,
And to know,
Everything is okay.

Memories fade
As fast as sugar dissolves in my tea
And I feel myself do absolutely nothing about it.
I'm caught inside myself, some deep, silver trance,
And I can't crawl out of it.
Because I see you leaving, with the storm,
And the clouds are dry heaving because they don't know what else to do.
Should I prepare my goodbye, or should I hold on tight,
To someone I hold dearly in my heart?
Stories are Stories,
And love is love,  whether it's young or naive or both.
So if this is a novel,
A big detailed adventure, of my story and of my home,
How do I tell, if this chapter is long,
Or if it Is merely a page long?
I cannot tell, and neither can you,
So we are forced to sit on the frozen grass,
Remembering and forgetting the past,
And realizing nothing is sure.
So I plead to rest my words,
Silence my tongue,
Before the cold comes.

I guess maybe there's something wrong with me,
Because no matter how hard I try I can't seem to hold something for too long.
And I mean I guess that makes sense literally too, because when given something physical to hold,
I become aggravated, and drop it.
So maybe this is a test, or maybe it's a game.
But, either way, I don't know if I'll like the results.
You are a subject, in which I find difficult,
And no matter how much I inquire about help,
I still do not understand you.
I believe that is what drew me to you in the first place, though.
So I pray to some god I don't think exists,
Telling him that I need to sort out my ****,
Because if I set this one down, I swear on my life,
I will not ever forgive myself.
You are precious,
You are rare,
But somehow I feel like you're barely here.
And as the days go by, and progress into months,
How do I know that you'll stay?
How do I know that you won't set me down, like I have set down others?
How do I know what you do in your free time?
I cannot question your motives, because I know I will be disappointed.
So I sit on my *** and count the days until you notice
I'm falling apart.

I am slowly deteriorating.
The world ceases to exist in my head, and hours pass quickly,
Like seconds,
And seconds feel like hours.
I stare blankly at a wall, for these mindless periods of time,
And it does not seem real.
Who says that the life I live serves a specific purpose?
What purpose does my life have if I do not accomplish anything?
These questions have ripped me apart, so I strongly suggest you do not take them to heart.
I am depersonalized,
Insane,
Nothing is right in my head, and I fear my emotions are too fake for people to feed off anymore.
Do I live this way, in a constant confusion, for the rest of my life?
Or will this condition of questioning go away?
I have deteriorated myself,
And caused myself to decay at too young of an age.
It is true,
Curiosity killed the cat, the cat being my brain.

Jealousy is a prison,
That encloses you in shackles,
And locks you in a room.
The lack of trust flows through my veins like adrenaline as I struggle to break free;
I slam my head against the brick walls hoping someone will hear me.
I cry for help but it's like screaming with your mouth closed,
As I drown in my thoughts, and overthink my misery.
The prison walls grow tighter around me and I begin to close my eyes,
As I pray for the days where I can see the light.
Jealousy is something that can tear you apart.
And for me, it's a prison I can't get out of.
I was born without the ability to trust,
So I weep to myself hoping I will get out.

That my whole word fell apart.
Before I went to bed though, I realized something, too.
I'm honestly in love with you.
They say love hurts,
And there is indeed an ache in my heart,
As I proceed to imagine a life without you.
I have been in love before, once or twice,
But this is something I cannot describe.
For I am familiar with the feeling, with the aching, and the yearning,
But this feeling of doubt and insecurity is new to me.
Is it that you are too perfect for me?
Possibly, I am just not used to be treated the way I deserve to be.
There is no sacrifice,
There is no misery,
There is no sadness,
I only feel fright and happiness.
Fright because I am scared one day you will realize how perfect you are,
And that you will walk away, just has everyone before you.
Happiness because you truly care about me and love me,
And I am ready for whatever hell comes before us.
And for me, that is saying a lot.

I feel as though I am being lied to
And that every motive and every action of my life
Is not real
Is it that life is unfathomable
Or is it that
I am going
Slowly
Insane

I've never had butterflies;
Nor have I feared goodbyes,
Or constantly questioned if my hair looked just right.
But I can't deny the way you make me feel.
It's like sand being collected in a bottle,
And over time it begins to overflow,
And the emotional bliss can no longer be contained.
It is so soon, so soon to be feeling this way.
But I have never felt this way before,
And I've never been more sure,
That I'm falling for you.
I've never had butterflies;
But when I'm with you
My heart splits right open,
And the sweet nectar of the rose where my heart is,
Attracts all the wonderful monarchs of the world.

And stubborn,
And somewhat self absorbed.
But you're gentle,
And careful,
And difficult to ignore.
So why can't I call you out on your annoying tendencies?
Do you feel the same way about me?
Do you rest your head on your pillow, and reminisce on the times we had?
Do you ever believe in fate?
Or that someday we can escape,
From this world we've grown too fond of?
Do you read between the lines,
And figure out my lies?
Do you ever cry?
Was there a time you fell in love,
With the simplicity of,
Something you can't describe?
Will you ever hold my heart,
Inside your arms,
And for once, tell me it's alright?
Because I can't forget the days,
When your face was not just a face,
But something so wonderful, I just could not describe.
Or will there be a day,
When all my dreams slip away,
And the home I created in your bed,
Will no longer be a home,
But a shallow hole inside your head,
Making you remember the times we spent,
Rather than forget?

This feeling
Is unfamiliar
Yet so right
It hurts
But not painfully
But joyfully
And I can't muster words

To tell you
How I feel for you
How I taste you
How I can't resist

You
Are something
Else

I’m sorry but I’m actually going to begin reevaluating my life. I need to buckle down, and just get things straight for once. I can’t continue wasting my time with pointless, mindless things. I need substance. I am going to improve academically and just **** all social insecurities. I’ll be out of this town in about a year, I can handle a year of solitude. I find it easier that way, anyways. So, I’m sorry for being a ****** person. But I’m not going to apologize for anything anymore, because if you don’t like me, don’t like my concern, don’t like my emotions, and most certainly don’t like the person I’ve become, then I don’t think you are worthy of another apology.

I’m sorry but I’m actually going to begin reevaluating my life. I need to buckle down, and just get things straight for once. I can’t continue wasting my time with pointless, mindless things. I need substance. I am going to improve academically and just **** all social insecurities. I’ll be out of this town in about a year, I can handle a year of solitude. I find it easier that way, anyways. So, I’m sorry for being a ****** person. But I’m not going to apologize for anything anymore, because if you don’t like me, don’t like my concern, don’t like my emotions, and most certainly don’t like the person I’ve become, then I don’t think you are worthy of another apology.

And I found that sadness isn't a gradual process.
It's instantaneous, like a cold wave of salt water flushing you under,
Drowning you for a few moments, and you're in shock.
You ask yourself, "Am I drowning?" and, "Is this really the end?"
And then you begin to panic.
You cannot see, for the salt burns your eyes, and you aim blindly for the surface.
Your lungs feel heavy, suddenly,
And you begin to lose your breath.
And in that moment, you reach the surface.
The surface isn't promising, for it's a blinding, white light,
And your eyes have a difficult time adjusting to the light.
They may never fully adjust, really.
And then you wish you had drowned,
Because for some reason the water changed you,
And you cannot fully learn to breathe,
And your eyes never fully adjust,
So you're stuck being this numb, blind, asthmatic person for the rest of your time.
There's no going back either,
Once you're hit, you're hit.
It's not a gradual process.

Everyday is the same.
I feel darkness and terror with the unknowing of life,
Uncertain of what I stand for, and what my purpose is.
But I feel that is normal, for a girl of my age.
With so much to offer, it just seems surreal,
In fact, nothing really feels real.
I wake up in the morning, quarter to 7,
And the one thing on my mind is, "Is this worth it?"
I think, "Is what I do even adding up to something?
"Is this life I live, a life at all?"
And I smile,
Because it does not matter.
Nothing matters, really.
You make me happy, and I like you.
And I like how I feel when I'm with you.
I like how it feels being in your arms,
How it feels when you talk, and I can feel the vibration of your voice through your shirt.
I am certain of two things,
I will die,
And I really, really like you.

It's strange how through times of turmoil you discover who belongs in your life.
In that moment, you stop everything you're doing, just to let that one person know,
You love them.
They fight on, and live on, through the inner struggles in their heads,
Struggles some of us who are weaker, would not understand.
She said, "If this is the end, let it be beautiful."
So let it be beautiful,
Because she said so.

I hope you know that you are beautiful.
You are a small flower, in a field of weeds.
You will bask in the sun, and quiver in the night,
Hoping for affection that never comes.
And you deserve it, you do.
And I'm sorry he broke your heart, I'm sorry you're upset,
But please feel better, flower.
Let the rain sooth your wounds.
Let your friends water you with kind words, and unconditional love.
Grow to your fullest potential,
Because your smile puts those weeds to shame.

It's hard to believe every word that you said, every lie that you fed,
Was nothing but ******* and lies.
But day after day, I observe the way
You respond but never try.
It's hard to believe I actually thought everything you said was true,
But how could I not, all I ever wanted was you.
It's a story that's been said, that's been stuck in my head,
Over and over again.

Over and over again I fall for you.
Over and over again I cry for you.
Over and over again I pray for you.
Over and over again are we.

Give me your attention, spare me your time,
I need to know someday you could be mine.
Minutes turn to hours, days to weeks,
But somehow when I'm with you, I cannot speak.
Why is it that I can't tell you how I feel?
When this awful situation is such a constant ordeal?
Are you playing games, am I insane?
Why is every word constantly replayed in my brain?
Maybe you just don't like me, or maybe I'm not worth your time,
Over and over again,
I question if you're mine.

I do not need
Anyone
But myself.
Thank you for trying.

Revelation sinks in,
Like poison.
Calming at first, then
Turning violent,
Harsh,
Painful,
And sad.
You do not want me anymore, and the elixir of your love ceases to cleans my brain.
For now I am vulnerable, left out to die,
Without your sincere words of encouragement,
How will I survive?
How will I learn to move on, when all I wanted was you?
How will I recover from death, as this venom slowly kicks in?
How will I reverse time, and stop myself before I saw you,
When your soft blue eyes met mine,
The world stopped,
Just one time.
How will I make you change your mind?
There is no reversing death, though.
And change occurs without a jury telling it not to.
For the poison has almost knocked me unconscious now.
So please, before I go,
Know this,
I hate you.

I can't continue playing these games,
And act like it's okay when you ignore my comments.
I can't continue suppressing the urge to grab your face and kiss you,
Only to feel your warmth and security.
I can't continue biting my tongue every time I wish to proclaim my admiration for you,
And my hope for our future.
I can't continue feeling like the way you neglect me is normal,
And that my constant doubt and fearful thoughts are average ones.
I can't continue seeing you fall for me, and for other girls,
And pretend that when you hold me at night that it's okay,
Because your arms make me warm,
And your eyes make me safe.
I can't continue pretending that I'm fine,
And pretend that leaving me behind doesn't make me feel lost,
Like a cloud of smoke has suddenly clouded my vision,
And I can no longer taste your yearning for my love.
I can't continue doubting our existence,
Especially for the second time.

Sometimes I look at you and wonder if you actually like me.
Your eyes are bright and full of hope, yet there is still mystery in your gaze.
Life is much similar, giving us false glimpses of hope, only to fail us later with deception.
I fear someday too, that you will fail me, but for now I must have blind faith.

The rain pours down on an early fall day;
Summer is weeping before her departure, it seems.
I envy the seasons, and how they can come and go with such ease.
As if they are sick of Earth, and wish to go for a bit.
If I were Autumn, with her brisk attitude, and carefree lifestyle,
I wonder if maybe you would come to appreciate me more.

At times, I look at the rain and ponder if it comes to cleans us of our doubts.
If maybe it was summoned just to tell us, "Your fears are no more,"
And then I realize weather does not have personification,
Nor do eyes contain mystery, only expression,
And that you must like me, or else you wouldn't be here.
I suppose rain maybe does cleans our fears a bit more than we realize.

Insanity corrupts the mind of society.
As children lose their tempers and grow up too quickly,
And adults **** their last chance of tranquility.
The structures grow larger and the brain knows more,
And the sun grows hotter through the atmosphere's pores.
Growth and death suddenly coexist,
As your god crosses names off his Christmas list.
Your judgment defines you,
And your world deprives you,
2013 you merely exist.

People are different, but yet they're the same,
With their forever entitled and fickle brains,
With their struggle with commitment and baggage they bare;
Secrets are always afraid to be shared.

You tell me you want me and you show it too,
However, I can't get a hold of you.

If I could, I would write you an epic in which I could explain all the ways I wish to fall into you.
I would paint you a beautiful mosaic in an elegant chapel, with symbols of eternal happiness.
If I could, I would be yours for as long as you'd wish to keep me;
Because your eyes are the most brilliant shade of serenity I have ever seen.

I breathe you in slowly, attempting to grasp this moment to its fullest extent.
Your skin smells like home, and you know that I know,
I don’t ever want it to end.
Your eyes say that you’re in love, and your smile says it too,
And when your glance meets mine, I know that the feeling is true.
You are sad and you’re scared and you can’t understand,
That I am too.
But when our worlds collide and your eyes meet mine,
You won’t want it to end.
Your voice is like heaven your heart is like mine,
Beating faster and faster as my hand passes by.
And the hours turn to minutes and your face meets mine,
And you understand we don’t want this to end.
Our bodies connect and suddenly we are complex,
Figures just balanced in time.
And when the end is the end,
And your thoughts suspend,
Understand that you’ll always be mine.
Your heart is a cave I have buried myself in, and darling,
I don’t want this to end.

I am young.
I am free.
I am music.
I am me.

I hear silence.
I see dark.
I taste sadness.
I can break your heart.

I am human.
I am scared.
Life is precious.
Life is rare.
Breathe it in,
Remember you're here.

Your eyes are breath taking,
Such as the peaks of a mountain, cloaked in snow
The cold is a comfort, not an interference
They are bright, sincere, and kind
And I am drawn to you like a bee to pollen.

Attraction is a concept many have abused
Such as drugs, and ***, and other things.
But I am attracted to you, a magnetic, fiery, sparking connection
You only read in stories.

But I feel you and I taste your essence
And it brings me comfort, where as others bring me digression.

At the start, we just had so much in common, I really thought i meant more to him than I did.
And seeing as that I'm not really distraught about us breaking up,
I guess he didn't mean that much to me either.

I am happy.
I love my life.
I love my friends.
I love the stupid drama my friends cause.
I love the seasons and the distinct smells of each one.
I love the sky and all of its colors.
I love the world and all of its misery.
I love life, and I will love every waking moment of it.
I am happy, and I'm okay.

I am in love with my life.
And there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that.

And just like that,
you were gone.
Like a whisper in the dark,
Or a flash of light,
In a dark field
Where no one saw,
But you.
And just like that
It didn't hurt
The pain I felt was only relevant when your presence touched me
Scraping the surface,
But never truly touching my heart.
And just like that,
I realized,
What we had wasn't real,
Raw,
Or passionate.
And just like that,
I am whole once again.

And I learned that after loving myself, loving others was more enjoyable.
Despite the hate dwelling inside us,
The memories burning holes in our chests,
And the kisses soon forgotten.
Always forgive,
But never forget.

Sadness is one hell of a drug.

You're with me because you want to be.
I'm with you cause I need to be.
You're with me because you feel apathy.
I'm with you because I feel empathy.
You hate me,
I love you,
You kiss me,
I hug you.
Please let me know that you want this
Because I'm losing my grip on the handle
Of the door
We opened
When we first met.

Hear me,
Feel me,
Taste me,
No.
Scold me,
Abuse me,
Let
     me
         go.

We are as simple as rain and a tree
No double looks, no second glances, nothing to see
You are magnificent, you just don’t know it
I come every once in a while to make you show it
I seep into your veins, and watch you grow
Only to come and **** you, later, as snow
You stick true to your ground, growing and dying alike
I come down and ruin people’s lives

We are as simple as rain and a tree
Just nature at it’s finest, nothing to see
You provide your warmth, your body, your love to everyone else
And I will be here to nurture, and watch you sprout
I will come when you need me, leave when you don’t
Only to see that you still don’t know
You stick true to your ground, growing and dying alike
But you don’t know yourself, and it’s killing you inside

We are as simple as rain and a tree
Living in misery, yet nothing to see
You are beautiful and your essence shows it
I try to tell you, but you just don’t know it
I will be here until the end of time
You will stay, and I will watch you die
You stayed true to your friends, and the people you loved
But you neglected yourself and perished in doubt
That day I cried like no one else

We were as simple as rain and a tree
I loved you and you loved me

So this is it, a flame on a long white candle
Once a powerful and intense heat
Generating enough to allow the pearl white wax to drip down,
Creating a small puddle of hot misery on an ebony table
Waiting for someone to scrape it off once it hardened into deep sorrow
The fire, getting hotter and hotter, allowing for the misery to build up and grow larger
Not yet hardening, but merely haunting the person awaiting to scrape it off
The fire became weak, suddenly, all at once
And the misery started to stop making its way down to its black death
The wax hardened, leaving a terrible mess of forgotten memories that I’d always remember
Memories I will never regret
Now, I must begin to scrape them up, and remove them from the surface of the table
The table being my pure heart, now tainted with this candle’s misery
And once the wax is completely removed, and the black table is left with nothing but scars
There will be nothing left of you, but your mark on my clean heart
Now stained forever with the memory of your misery,
You carelessly dripped on my expensive table,
Leaving scratches that paint will never fully cover up,
And leaving me with the memory of you
A flame, on a long white candle,
Burnt out far too soon.

There once was a girl named Yesterday,
She feared Tomorrow,
and hated Today.