Emotion provokes me,
Passion demotivates me,
And love desensitizes me.
But today, I let myself break down.
I let the tears break free from their restraints, and flow freely, and they ran
Down my cheeks, fast and urgent, like they desperately needed to meet my chin for the first time.
And I realize how fragile it is, how fragile I am, how sad life really is.
I feel
Real.
And this isn't something I've felt in a while.
Why is it that the thought of losing something so precious to me, makes me feel alive?
Why is it that I believe I need you, now?
The words keep running out my mouth, as I spatter these thoughts out loud, as my tears follow in unison.
Flowing,
Like energy,
Like the blood in my feeble veins,
Like the students passing through halls,
Like cars on the freeway,
Like life.
I am flowing, pushing effortlessly through some invisible current that I have been fighting against my whole life.
My tears, however, have reminded me that I am still moving.
No matter how much I have tried to halt, no matter how many times I have attempted to stop,
My tears have reminded me.
I am flowing,
I am breaking against my restraints, and meeting life face on for the first time in my life.
My anxiety has clouded me from reality for too long.
So thank you, Sadness,
If that is your name.
You saved me from going insane, tonight.

If I knew that may have been the last time I saw you,
I would have held my eyes on you for so much longer.
I would have appreciated the way you walk, and the way your eyes shimmer even when the sun is hiding behind the clouds.
If I knew that may have been the last time I held you,
I would have held you so much tighter, and never would have let go.
Not even to look up and stare at your face.
If I knew that may have been the last time I was with you,
I would have said everything.
I love you.

I have so many passions,
But I contain no passion to pursue them.

I'm going to be heart broken again.
Because everything you ever said, was just the same but interpreted differently.
I feel lost.
I'm trapped in a small wooden boat, cast out to sea.
The sea is calm, but there is no land to be found.
I feel the time passing, with no explanation as to whether it's moving forward, backward, or if it's really just staying still.
I'm not sure if I'll ever reach the shore.
I'm not sure if I'll ever find the grips on the oars attached to the side of the boat.
My hands are too slippery, for I am nervous that you have stopped searching for me in this sea of desolence.
Eventually, I will wipe my hands off on my pants, grip the oars with determination, and paddle forward, praying that time is moving along with me.
And hopefully once I reach the shore,  I will be sure about my life, and sure about our entire situation.
And maybe,  your hand will be there at the dock waiting to pull me in.

What even is honesty anymore?
I surely do not know.
Because we all seem to be hiding something from one another.
It's tragic, really.

The silence absorbs us, as drunken bodies connect
And I feel my judgement slip from my head, and to the floor.
I feel passion overcome me, as my heart is racing, telling me to slow down.
But love is a force that drives me crazy, and at this point there's no control anymore.
And at the time it seems right, and my heart feels fine,
Knowing that you are mine as long as we last.
But there will be a day, when my dreams slip away,
Like how my judgement slipped to the floor.