Let’s go trainspotting
or did I mean train hopping?
we’ll pick apples from the trees
out back under dark night skies
when nobody is watching
and we’ll drink water from gas station bathrooms
and coca cola from the glass bottle
Do you think
that before the cell phone towers were erected
people ever sent drunk letters?
Natives on Ayahuasca sending smoke signals
which say heyy!
I was thinking about you
and in the morning do you think they check the embers
and go oh ****
what did I do last night?
the chief is going to give me so much ****
the thing is
the things I say to you
with something in my system
are truer than all of the well calculated
across the room stares and smiles
and at night
while I stand lookout
while you pick apples
maybe I’ll drink some apple cider
and send you a drunk conversation
but when I’m with you
It’s like I’m drunk on puppy love
so you can believe
every text I send you

The sound of clattering plates
as a voice in the kitchen yells
we gotta sailor walking in hot
and the waitresses walk around the place
always just beyond the breaking point
wearing voices which say
we hope you have a great night
the plates they clatter
as the men at the bar grow drunker
as the redskins lose yet another game
No sir,
we regret to inform you
that you can not take your beer home with you
in a kiddie sized to go cup
the plates clatter
as the bus boys and dish crew
bounce to Mexican hopping beats
bustling and jostling their way through the six tops
a cart full of leftovers and the crayon drawings of little kids
seven o’clock sees the dinner rush
come and go
and still that sound
the endless clattering of plates
as quitting time rolls around
and a hundred people throw a hundred exhausted punches
at the same juggernaut of a clock
as they always have and always will
outside fresh air smells chemical
and in the car
alone on the ride home save for the passing
of headlights: strangers navigating the same dark
you still think you can hear it
the clattering of plates

I first saw you walking down the street
I don’t know when you first saw me
maybe at home
in the mirror of your memory
maybe in the pages of the book
you were reading outside in the winter
at that cafe
You had me all smiles
and I had you
all similes
a pretty little thing
to stroke my pretty little thing against
You in your fashionista bombshell outfit
me in my childlike excitement
as I walked on past
and I wonder
if later that night
you were in your bedroom
which is just as messy as mine
I wonder if you thought to yourself
“well hot ****, that was one hot ****** guy”
if not that’s fine
my words are subjectively an object of your subject
Does that make sense?
I seem to do that a lot
rambling over myself and over myself
as if you caught me in a lie
I hadn’t yet told
I hold on to the belief
that You caught me in the corner of your eye
and decided to save me for later
It’s the only thing us passing strangers
have really got

The clocks all struck midnight
but that’s okay when you work nights
for a pocket full of singles
and a paycheck which never seems quite enough
come buy the painkiller
the rain won’t stop falling
until you do
and at times when grey cloud curtains
part to show you that
heaven isn’t
you’ll be glad for that liquid encouragement
and those knee pads
because this parking lot is gravel
and that small lot will never be a park
where kids can play without stepping on
the shards of broken hail mary prayers
for all the times the hands pass go
and collect their 2000 sea shells
not much has changed

I'm writing this from my phone
Winter forgot to wake up
So now the kids play in the streets
And it's one of those days
That attacks you with a smile
You can't quite shake
Give me your tears
And I'll make you a tall glass
Of half full
Excuse me ma'am
But your self esteem is showing
And it looks like you could use some more
I have an ego
Locked away in the basement
And occasionally I feed it
Smiles from pretty girls
And likes on my work
The car has no gas
I have barely enough dough
To pay the power bill
But everything's all Henry miller
Because I decided to start living in day dreams
So if you pull up next to me at a red
And find me laughing to myself
Feel free to join In

I know I didn't treat a lot you right
I'm a closed book with a big bad padlock on it
maybe you could say trust issues
but **** it I love you guys
no ****
(maybe a little)
because no matter where or how I have been
I have had some great people there for me
to keep me walking along that tight rope
without the fear of a body full of broken bones
We climbed hay bales in Drax
and ran away from the farmer in his combine harvester
we let everybody's tires down
and we went to the club and stayed until closing time
until after there were no taxis left
walking four miles home at four in the morning
we had a laugh mate
And to my Yankee friends
The rest of the world may hate you
but I don't
(much)
video games all night
ding **** ditch
homecoming and prom
and smoking cigarettes behind best buy
whole days spent on a couch laughing harder than we were high
the bowl we bought together
aptly named Willem Defoe
Marathon movie nights
post virginity loss high fives
telling me you were proud of me
for how I handled my parents' almost divorce
And I'm a cynical, ******* introvert
and at times I never want to see a human being ever again
but when that feeling fades
you guys are the first people I text

I love the way she pretends to buy my lies
love the way she smirks and nods her head along
to the beat of the stories
that I pull out of my ***
I love the way she pretends they smell like roses
I met you a while ago
but I'm a silent observer
so I pitched my tent from a distance
I like the way you are the anti to my venom
and when I walk through a field of snakes
you know how to make it all better
and we both love the line from that one favorite song I have
"love can make suicide seem so cool"
but you told me I'd have to **** you
because you would probably mess it up yourself
and the way you laughed when I said i couldn't do it
then there was that one time
where I didn't have the courage to tell you
that you make my depression
seem kinda alright
or that I would have followed you
wherever you went
if you just held a dog treat in your hand
and whistled,
"here boy!"
my tail wags when you walk through that door
and when you walk out that door
I'm sure it's going to be forever
and that scares the ever loving **** out of me
so don't be a stranger
because if you do
I'm probably going to **** on the carpet
and claw the leather off the reclining sofa

Can you hear me out there
come in
come in
over
Radio Silence
I silence my happiness with a smile
don't look at me
when your ice cream falls from the cone
your baby crocodile tears won't work here
and we both know I'm a great terrible liar
are you still out there?
are you still out there circling that same stretch of concrete
with sunglasses a hoodie and a 20 oz black eye
with your heart on her sleeve
arterial spurts of blood painting these white walls
yes my dear I do love you
now come here and help me hide my hunger
We are having trouble making contact
Roger that
at noon he wakes up and croons at the open skirt of Apollo
well hello sir, might a catch a ride to fire on your chariot?
to the place where Kamel Reds are $2.80
and the diner coffee is good and watery
just like the diarrhea which follows
I'm a jack *** joker with a jester hat on each foot so that when you hear church bells it just means I'm outside of your front door
but **** it
you can find me at the park we grew up in
too scared to jump off the swings at the highest point
I read about Icarus and Mamma aint raise no fools
my self esteem ran away that summer I forgot to close the gate behind me
so now me and my ego, Id, and superego
are patrolling your town
armed with fliers and staplers
but hey, it's all good right?
when the nights are longer
the days shorter
and the thoughts darker
I want life to be one trampoline
like the one we held wrestling matches on in Middle school
can I get a double bounce?
I never lost a game of popcorn in my life
It's on my resume
We are experiencing some frequency interference
Is that you?
can you hear us?
I think we lost him
lost him to the radio silence

You aren't quite sure why this mediocre movie is so funny
but **** it Adam ******* is on form
look he's doing the thing with the voice
I want ice cream. Does anybody else really want ice cream?
my throat is made of desert sand
dessert* sand
that's funny
oh yeah OJ thanks
now pass me the rig. the song is changing and we need some new energy
I just want to chill and vibe
the ceiling fan hasn't been dusted in... oh I don't know, a year?
and just maybe it will come crashing down upon us
a black mess of ash, soot, and dust
and maybe that would be pretty funny
and maybe I'd geek out
and maybe I wouldn't
who cares? the next episode of Trailer Park Boys is about to start
and the sun is about ninety degrees from setting

Night now
and moonlight flows as adrenaline
rushing and flooding the parts of our brain
which go
"well **** this could be fun"
a recipe for a good night goes like this:
five cans of beer, pbr or bud light
maybe coors
some of those girly limearitas
because **** it they are yummy and get the job done
smoke break
make it three in a row
working on the chain gang of suicidals
okay now break open the good potion
whiskey *** gin ***** whatever sinks your boat
but make sure to consume in large damnation seeking swallows
and remember men only chase with high fives
who even high fives anymore?
now listen the **** up
because this next part is important
never. I repeat never smoke within three hours of the night
that is unless you want to get trapped in the party limbo
of hanging out in the kitchen, by the fridge
with the two only people you know in the entire joint
nobody want's to **** the guy eating pizza and playing with the cat in the corner
while you're there - be sure to drink as much free liquor as possible
oh me? I'm an exchange student from England. Show me what American college life is like? Sure I'll quote some Harry Potter. Sure I will take that shot. Oh your roommate is not home? Interesting.
because we all know that *** brings validation, and validation is the biggest drug of all
wake up the next morning and mumble something about a hangover and how much fun last night was
can I get your number? I'll text you my life story in emoticon format sometime.

Back in the filthy apartment
your bed stained with ash, sweat, and God knows what looks awfully inviting.
sleep an hour or two
get up feeling less ******
put on a *** of coffee
liquid ******* to set your veins running with productive fire
and then the shakes come
smoke a few cigarettes if you have any left
if not, the pick market is just a block away
and the sun is shining
okay now get into your bath robe and sweat pants
smoke yourself a fat GB
you deserve it
shake off the grime and pseudo-glory of night before
in a couple of hours
it's all going to start again

A night is only as meaningful
as the stars which surround the moon
in a room full of beating hearts -
isn't it funny how just one rhythm
can sync with you so completely?
"She just gets me"
How every once in a while
you see that face,
a customer at work, a stranger passing by,
which lets you know
that things could be better tomorrow
that makes today not such a lost cause
They call it love at first sight
but I think it's more like
we are all pieces of the great cosmic jigsaw puzzle
wandering around - lost
looking for the people
which bring us closer
to being whole

there is a valley between us
the distance between my was
and you are
my want
versus your need
it's all the same
it's all just one more drink
one more moment spent
between the breaths of our cigarette
shared beneath a waning half moon
at night the monsters pour out of the closets of boys across the land
and maybe they look like you
maybe it doesn't matter
girls are shaving their vaginas in the bathroom mirror
as the tv chuckles wildly
as I meander from dark empty to room
to dark empty room
hossanah on high judging the judges of yahew
as they drive tent stakes into the sternum of evil
I write to write to write to **** to **** to ******* to **** to manipulate this conversation
into a direction which ends with you stroking my pulsing ego
you aren't a muse
you aren't some special being
you are just mine
floating around in a head full
of my selfish thoughts about my selfless need to make you
my selfless thought
I'm a bullshitter
and you are a **** eater

On a back of seeing stars
as the carousel turns cycles across the night sky
the world wobbles on its axis
and each blinking airplane
which I mistook for shooting stars
are arriving at destination
let go completely
The dogs are barking at the cow
as it jumps over the moon
the needle and the spoon make a stark getaway
in a drop top box of American industry
waves crash against the wet sand
and I burrow into the beach
crab walking to the hidden
watch as they dance within their machinations
slack jawed and love eyed
now watch as the rain drops start to fall
one by one
only to freeze -
forgotten in the winter
Requiem for a teenage dream

I eat pizza too much
Like three days a week
Pizza pizza pizza
But in all honesty
I'd choose you over a slice
Any day of the week

It seems as if
I always miss the mark
A shot in the dark
Surrounded by what if's

Beware the honest man
For honest men have nothing to hide

I want the freedom to be addicted
Just as much
As I want freedom from addiction

I don't know man. It just has been different lately, you know?

No not really. What do you mean? Like, explain it.

Okay so you know how you do it and you feel everything dissolve? You know? And that warm fuzzy light fills you up and the back of your head sags all the way to the floor? You know how you can't stop smiling? How nothing matters because everything is going to be chill in the end? You know?

Yeah? So what's the issue?

Well recently, and I mean very recently, I just got this feeling. This ******* feeling for two hours and all I want is for it all to be over.
The thing is - I know that everything is fine. That it's all chill and that I'm just geeking out, but still, the way it makes me feel. I can't do that anymore.

How the hell does it make you feel dude? Jesus can we get to the point sometime soon?

Right, my bad. It's my heart first. I feel my heart going at a thousand ******* miles a minute but when I check my pulse or heart beat - everything is normal. But still I feel it in my chest yapping like a dog at the front door and I can't convince myself that this is chill. Then it's my chest. You know how Jesus died of suffocation on the cross?

I thought they stabbed him before they suffocated?

Whatever, you know what I mean, how people on crosses couldn't breathe because of their arms and lungs and chest or whatever? Well I get this feeling that my chest is thinner than a sheet of printer paper. That every single time that I inhale it's never enough. Then I get this electricity in the back of my head. It creeps up from my sternum, through my throat and then to my brain stem. Like an itch you can't ******* scratch no matter how many layers of skin you go through?

Jesus dude.

Then I convince myself that I can't move my right hand. Convince myself I'm partially paralyzed. Only I'm watching my right hand move. But I feel like it has to be an illusion, because how the hell am I moving a paralyzed hand? It's all gotten so ******* twisted that I don't know which sense I can trust.

Well are you sure that that's the reason? Why don't you take a small geeb or something? For the sake of the scientific method?

Listen to me you fool. There is no method to this. Just madness. But I suppose, in the name of fairness, I should do some more research. Maybe just this one last time. Just to be sure.

Exactly... So you wanna smoke some ****?

Yes. I want to smoke some ****. Just for science and all that. I kinda have to. It'd be unamerican to not smoke, right?

Right.

"No.
No you absolutely can not go to the store to buy some beer
you! you are too young
just stay inside and watch some TV
beer is for losers
no go and make your dad another G&T;
during the commercial break"

Feeling thirsty?
Want to be liked and respected?
want to be fun?
life of the party?
want to be swarmed by a slew of half naked vaginas with legs?
then get yourself a Bud

"Why can't you be happy with what you have?
you know we never had much growing up
and look at us now
a pair of reasonably comfortable adults
don't you want to be reasonably comfortable?
can't you just be yourself?"

Hey you! Yeah you!
what the hell are you just sitting there for?
It's a Friday night why aren't you out partying?
no invitation. ****. Wait I know why -
What's that you are wearing?
you don't know!?
you need some Polo
and some Nike, just do it
throw in some brooks brothers
don't you want people to think better of you
don't be THAT guy in cargo shorts
unless you like ******* alone at night
and here's some Beats by Dre headphones
so you can hear us better
Now I no it's pricey, but don't you want to be happy?
we've got your happiness right here
and it will only cost you
your parents' credit card

"We just don't know what's wrong with you
why are you in such a rut?
get out of bed, go and do something
we got you what you asked for
why can't you be satisfied?
a lenovo 2 in 1?
what the hell is a Lenovo 2 in 1?
A laptop and a tablet?
Why?
Oh, you just have to have one
well I'm sorry, but money has been tight
maybe you should get a job
your birthday is right around the corner..."

Look at this cool guy
Look at how great his life is
you want this. We know you do
what you'll need is some more swag
just a little bit
and some cough syrup, expensive liquor and some ***
plus you'll want some *******
how else can you party this hard?
Maybe get a gun, or a knife
no. Definitely get a gun. A big one
that way nobody will say anything to **** your buzz
carry that big stick and walk tall cool dude
oh yeah, here's a secret for you
keep it to yourself alright?
women really like being treated like ****
we told them to

"What's that?
a gun? For what?
oh so now you're going to **** yourself?
well I'm sorry but we don't do that in this family
you'll just have to be ground into submission like everybody else
what makes you so special, huh?
why do you get to punch out early
shut up, keep your head down, do your job, buy some ****, have a family
then get your kids started with all the **** you buy.
brand name baby clothes and such.
now be a good boy
and pay your taxes
but shush, the TV is on"

It's appealing to steal treasure from right under the dragon's snout
a taste of ambrosia so sweet
but the thing they never tell you about
mythical dragon treasure
is that it doesn't last forever
dragon treasure don't pay no bills
but it gives courage
and a taste for more
take another chest
more and more frequently
that dragon always sleeping
snoring in billowing rings of acrid blackness
the smell of bonfires and gasoline
people go mad
raving naked in the streets
for that **** wooden chest filled with it's ****** gold trinkets
and once the child is grown
the treasure only becomes heavier
no more impish laughter following the daring theft
just a sore back, a head ache, a lot of burnt bridges, and an empty apartment
The only company the calls from collection agencies
and the funniest part is
we thought the dragon was sleeping the whole time
only to find that dragons don't sleep
they wait - hungry and patient
another soul swallowed whole
by the sleeping dragon
that ******* dragon and that ******* treasure
a temptation suspended in a moment of twinkling light

It's rare you'll find me in my home town
straw in mouth
**** on shoes
i'm a country boy loving this acid washed city life of "Ima get what's mine"
but don't call me bumpkin
while I'm sitting out on a back porch
jameson and RJ Reynolds
I have a tendency to spout off words like an unattended hydrant on a ghetto summer day
not all of them make sense
not all of them are in good taste
or right
but whether it be suburban Midlothian
farming village Drax
or downtown Richmond
I find my home on page
beneath the low chattering of keys
scratching of pens
Each word you never had the heart to say
is my place of residence

Get drunk
Or high
Work out
Apathy
Hypersensitivity
Violence
Witty
Fathoms deep
Feel the swell of a universe
So full of life
It all repeats
Make the canvas
Something beautiful

And if the man from on high casts his eye upon you
you shall cower when faced with the reflection
A bird sits on a car side mirror
not alarmed by overwhelming footfalls
keeping rhythm with feet beneath desks to the universal drum track
white rabbit is peaking in the next room
while a scene of horror plays out
to be gossiped over intermission
you stand alone
in a small, dimly lit room
candle flame flickering against cream wall
ritual
your neighbors won't stop screaming into sofa cushions
as you laugh til it hurts on rerun avenue
go out and get after it kid
by this time tomorrow it'll be gone
whatever it is

It comes and goes in lunar waves
flying above the mountain top
then the nosedive
we suggest the cabin prepare for impact in ten. nine eight seven....
it's a water landing

If it was sixty outside today in December -
then maybe I won't feel so ******
at least until the night comes forth
alone with a head full of thoughts
stumbling through a strangers dark living room
trying to find a light switch

It's all fun and games riding a wave back to shore
but the wave recedes and leaves you with a back covered in sea shell scratches
swim out a little further
ride a little longer, a little bigger, lively, dangerous.
keep swimming further out
shoot for the sand bar
or the reef
but you might find yourself lost
helpless in the clutches of some foul riptide

Victims pay the price eventually
a role clad in escape
store windows full of things
that were never your fault
but you have a pocket full of change
hands shake
stomach growls
skin itches
tell yourself no
and cave in just like always
tomorrow's better for me anyway

No Mom, No Dad
everything is fine
oh yeah and merry Christmas
cheers and blessings
quality time with the people you love
in that costume you don so often that
it's hard to tell one side of the cracked mirror from the other
pound fist into open palm open palm onto flushed face
sweating and clammy and growling at the waist
shake it off champ,
the next round starts now

Now picture a small stretch of city
on that beautiful sixty degree December afternoon
maybe it's uptown or the arts district
you are with friends
conversations -
easy and honest. Organic.
talk of dreams and goals
bask in the sunlight. leisure.
sit outside at the cafe with an iced coffee
in the most-hipstery jar you've ever seen
who cares?
drink it down
enjoy it
days like this don't come around often
unless you make them

Matt says *******
Jake says **** that
David says **** me
Sarah says don't say ****
Mia says what the ****?

These are my children
the people I created
and I am their God
punishing and testing them from behind the scenes
they don't know how much it hurts me to hurt them
but that doesn't stop me
my little children
all trying to find their path
trying to grow into fine young adults
if only they could see the end I have in store for them
Are you still a martyr if nobody cares?

I don't know what happened
somewhere along the way our feet must have slipped
because this place is cold and unfamiliar.
Look at the jester as he dances with all the ugly girls
A poet is a poet is a liar is a liar is a pretentious *******
But I never let you read them
no because if you did
you'd realize that a large chunk of my blathering
is about you
then you'd probably say something like
what the ****. this is odd. no creepy. stop calling me. I don't want to wind up in saran wrapped pieces in your freezer
but I do write them
and that's what counts

Look at you
you poor little thing
you sit there in your tears
mascara pools solidifying around your shoes
how much I want to save that moment forever
that moment where you needed somebody so badly
who could maybe be me
and I go to tell you I love you
but bite my tongue
because in reality
I don't ever want you not in that moment
I don't ever want you happy or regulated or normal
in that moment I realize that this isn't what love is
this is greed
so I pass you by
leave you weeping on that curb
leave you to get better

One day at a time is the mantra of the sickly beggars I call my people
oh addiction, such a hot, edgy topic, look at you breaking down barrier after barrier
no not this one
this one's one for the people who took the road less traveled
only to realize nobody walks that path for a reason
the bushes buzz with flies looming over dumped ****** victims
women sell their trade for a feeling of being loved
and the monsters don't fear the dark
one day at a time
this will all be worthwhile in the end
the end.
it never comes really
you think it's just you? your ignorance makes me laugh to sickness
give me a runners high over a drug any day
like there's an actual difference between the two
like one hundred years from now we won't be sharing the same plot of dirt?
my awful lungs and liver and kidneys and heart
your slightly less awful organs
One day at a time
every day of the year
tally marked against white walls with posters of the things we took for granted
one
day
at
a
time
time to get up
it's a new day
roll the die
play the game
hope you get lucky
one day at a time

Baby, let me be your puppeteer
pulling at those strings we both know so well
jerking you to make you do the things I like
I'll tell you I love you
if that's the sorta thing you're interested in
me, I'm more of a instant self gratification kind of guy
so light daddy's cig
and maybe take that pretty little mouth downstairs
tell yourself you're doing it because I love you and you love me back
go ahead doll face, now wear those shorts I like
he doesn't hate women. He just really really loves them
sure thing sweet heart, whatever gets you going
tell yourself I cut those strings a while ago
go ahead
but remember to get my blood flowing
boiling over
in the morning I won't want to remember your face
dance for me puppet
before I put you back in that closed box

I write about my own life too much
and I don't think complaining is art
sure you may relate to the ******* I spout
but don't you think I wrote it with you in mind
you are never in my mind
My thought process goes like this:
1) how can I score something to get me high
2) what is the best way I can shirk my responsibilities
3) how can I write something to prove how smart and deep I am
4) how can I convince her to **** me
I need validation
I need to be left alone
I need to be kicked in the ***
I need to grow up
but I won't
call me Peter ******* Pan
only it's not Never Never land we fly to
no I convince you you can follow me out of your bedroom window
take flight with me
then I watch as your body explodes ****** and mangled on the concrete of your parents' driveway
then I write a poem about how hard it was for me to watch
My poems are selfish
because *******

There's gotta be something to all this
he says
he pleads
he reaches out for something concrete to mix his ideals in with
there's gotta be something to it
he says
well explain what it is to me.
it's like
I see the world before me
every place that ever was
ever will be
I see all of this
and all of the people -
silly little things bouncing around the galactic pin ball table
and it's like I'm waiting for the bonus round
I'm not following you
that's the problem
nail on the ******* head doc
nobody follows me
or maybe I don't follow them
they say Hello how are you doing
and all I hear is
sroeijfapoirjfpaiorjvpioserhvipshfvjipsrjvarjv[oisjgv[js[voijn­raoijoi[sjvijsr[jsr[i,vjsoirjvso[itjsoiernaudrv;jzdnfv;ndfvi;ondf­oibnsoinb Why ******* bother?
and I don't know why I bother
ya know, doc?
because I see myself in a cracked mirror
a really introspective, deep thinking, wordsmith of the people by the people for the people
here to wake people up, to put some ******* oomph in their step
then it changes
out of my left eye I see
the waste of space siphoning oxygen and turning it into ****
so **** yourself to make the world a better place, right? only I know that it's not right. When I am awake in bed at five am craving anything to shut my brain up I think of her, or the other ones, or my Mother and how much wasted potential it would be. Potential I don't have. Potential everybody tells me is there. Go to school. Move to san fran, or LA, or the big apple, flee. But I can't leave them.
Slow down son, you're rambling.
sorry doc, it's just the world moves at a set speed, and inside my head is a washing machine full of shoes and bricks on way too high a setting.
so why do you write?
because If I didn't this would all come out in much unhealthier ways. I have to stop myself from spearing the woman with her baby with my Hyundai accent hatchback 2011. I clench my fist so tight, that my fingernails cut my palm - If only I didn't bite them raw and ******.
Where do you think this all comes from, this feeling of anxiety?
where? what the **** kind of a question is that, doc?
just do your best
my best will never be good enough. Because the world is empty and void and full of people who would sell you as Joseph just for a technicolored dream coat.
That reference is so outdated, who is it for?
certainly not the people who like my work. I write poetry for a world that doesn't give a **** about poetry.
you don't really write poetry though, do you? You just rant and then hit enter to give the appearance of lines and stanzas.
You're right. I dropped out of school for this **** and all I can churn out is infantile angsty *******. I hate the people who practice self harm. It seems laughable to me. If you need help ask. If you want to die, Die. Nobody is stopping you. Then again, I want to save every kid who thinks they are ****** up or not worth it or hopeless. Maybe I read the catcher in the Rye one too many times. But Salinger had it right. He just locked himself away from the world so he could write.
I think we're about to run out of time
Doc, my time ran out a long while ago. My whole life has been spent running away from the last falling grain of sand
so the same time next week?
sure, doc, why the **** not, I mean you don't even really exist.
You are just the dead air when I'm at my most lonesome. This office - just my empty car, my bed in late and early hours and this patient is just another kid thinking he is the exception only to realize we're all being flushed down the same ****** toilet.
So yeah, same time next week I guess

It's another slew of ****** poetry
so publish this junk
so I can sell my work to people who can't read
let me tell you about David
he is a *****
not a literal ******,
that'd be ridiculous,
what I mean is -
he admits to having emotions
what a *** right?
but his emotions come on too strong
cologne on some ***** in a bar
and he doesn't know what to do with them
so he empties out every bottle
and fills them with his tears
then he thinks he might see something amid the pain
something to throw together
so he stacks the bottles in a jaunty pyramid
and calls it art
how ******* deep of him
he loves girls
fears rejections
so his trash cans are filled with old cummy wads of tissue paper
and wakes up hung over and nervous about everything
I hate him almost as much as I love him

Then there's Jake -
a grade A ****
no really, he is
Violent
angry for no reason other than it makes him feel good
he views women as three holes to put on his trophy case
he puts cigarettes out on his arm
and throws every thing anybody he ever loved ever gave him
back in their face
with a hefty helping of satirical, cynical, sarcasm
but say what you want about Jake
He get's **** done
and the **** he does only helps him out
Jake and David
they are best ******* buds
and God knows why
because most of the time
you can walk in on them
choking each other to death in the night
only to hug it out the next morning
Jake and David
star crossed lovers
holding desperately onto each other
as they make their way down the dark, frothing river of life

Walking down the street I pass
a girl walking in her bundle of flannel and warmth
strut strut strut
I blow smoke from the corner of my mouth
to spare her the danger
of my second hand smoke

Lying in my plastic bed
Thinking how things weren't so cool to me
My baby likes to shoot pool
I like lying naked in my bedroom
Tying on that dinosaur tonight
It used to be so cool
But now I've got that need(le)
That I can't shake
And I can't breathe
They take it away
But I want more and more
One day I'm gunna lose the war

You can tell people
Everything that is right
And still they look to you
Blank bovine stares.
I'm at a crossroad
A true love affair with humanity
A violent, dangerous hatred of human beings
We live in a country
Where the people who say the wrong things
Are either dead or silenced
Gone are the days of freedom of speech
Gone are the days of personality
Privacy stripped away
Every person clad with phones
A reason not to act

**** **** ***** ****** ****
These words weigh heavy
Regardless of context
Gone are the days of progression.
This is not a poem
This is a rant.
If you don't like these words
Then go **** yourself
You can choose what you read
People too concerned with people
While out government does it's best to eradicate
The brown skinned low lives of Gomorrah
As if we have any ******* right
To dictate the movements of humans,

Say no to orders,
You are not the car being driven
You are the driver
This poemish thing
Has gotten out of hand
Just don't let the worthless mother *******
Tell you you're wrong
Wrong doesn't exist
Speak freely
The rest is just noise

I'm not Shakespeare, not some romantic poet clad in flowers and doves
I'm no Fitzgerald, a dapper socialite at home with the intellectuals and aristocrats
I'd like to be Hemingway, a man in all senses of the word, guided by a certain wit and drive
Hell, I'd even take Bukowski, or Kerouac, drug addled and safe in the strength of my arrogance
I'm not your favorite department store
no recognizable brand
no jewelry
My love is not measured in the moments quenched with awe
no symphonies or trips to the opera house
In a dime store I trudge through the aisles of shelves
rummaging through the lost and found of people long forgotten and dead
I find a necklace, shells strung together on a piece of fishing line and I think of you
young and happy with a bucket and a *****
so curious as to the motion of the ocean, you slowly approach
only to run away - giddy in your fear - as the cold tide licks at your heels
digging up ***** to show to your Mom and Dad
I think of you, my hand clutching that Dime store necklace
I think of you now
Me so intrigued, I draw up my plans with tact
only to crumble before you
I am the shells you dug up
I am the fishing line your dad cut off for you
the knots he taught you to make
I am your lost and found
helplessly missing you always
I am your Dime Store love

you took the words of wise men on a whim
dug yourself out a nice shiny foxhole
to shelter from the ricochets of words best left unsaid
but your maw aches
and those wise words
fall fat and useless
so ******* anyways
I'll find my own wisdom
I'll be laughing in kingdoms of never more
once I find the right word

the diner closed down
a sign in the window
but i'm still hungry

Outside the cold strips air
from constricted throats
as the din of good company settles in
lost in a conversation
I have no interest in
My favorite place to get lost
only because I know so well
the nods and "mhm's" of good taste
surrounded by people
It's okay to let the mind wander
while we smoke ourselves
into a soporific stupor

The well groomed professional takes a sip
from his Styrofoam twenty ounce coffee
He glares at me - his eyes green with disgust
the night before I walked beside the moon
that morning I rose anew, born in flames
The well groomed professional takes a sip
from the corner of my eye I see her
standing waves of gold, porcelain smile
I glare at her - my eyes red with my lust
dancing to the flickering glow of bulbs
she pauses, a breath, Red Eye anyone?
The well groomed professional takes a sip
glaring at the mirror - his eyes black with
fear
I take my coffee and walk out the door
adrift in the cold Richmond winter air

I am in the wild
a world not of nature
but the nurturing of ambitious men
and blood thirsty predators
The Wild
where you can walk
desperate mile after desperate mile
without seeing another human face
only the twisted visage
of a wounded, snarling beast
In the distance I hear the
pounding of drums as
black smoke sails across the sky
declaring war on anything
which looks like it might belong
I am in the wild
and am not yet ready to return

my brain is dotted with burn holes
craters on the moon
like the ones on the denim sofa
from when I fell asleep
beer in hand
cigarette hanging loosely from the corner of my mouth
like the dot that comes at the top right of a cinema screen
change the reel
in the industry we call them cigarette burns
thoughts get lost in them
only to be found covered in tar and ash

Dear girl who works the security desk at my friend's dorm,
blonde hair or purple, you get me going
and I'm impatient
i don't go in for the dating game
so wouldya do me the service
of maybe
possibly
marrying me
me you and the blonde barista would be happy together
until death do us part

Literal thinker
an analytic mind
this translates into an over-thinker
thinking that the small details that make this world
are all connecting and all crashing down among us
every potential gear slip
twisted metal in a field of flames
the no's spoken
the fists thrown
the off switch is gone. lost. broken.
living life is an instinct
a reaction
not a thought process
but some voices are hard to silence

it's too late to call for help
once you're already underwater
it's too late to miss somebody
once the tide has already gone out

Timothy Baxter: An intellectual genius with the emotional intelligence of a five year old
so thank you for these closed lips
and thank you for the impeccable hair line
thank you for the one too many thoughts keeping me up at 4 AM
thank you for my 5'7 stature
and thanks for all the self-loathing
thanks for the rent
and thanks for making me love hating responsibility
thank you

Mary Hartley Baxter: not one who came from white picket fences and Sunday drives. A giver. A lover. A control freak
Thank you for these psyche wrecking nerves
the bowling ball taking up permanent residence in the pit of my stomach
Thank you for teaching me how to treat women
and thank you for the stubbornness which allows this arrogance
thank you for keeping my feet attached to planet earth
while my head sails among the billowing clouds
for telling me how handsome I am
thank you for teaching me what it means to be in a family
thank you for letting me be a loser sometimes
thank you

Harry J Baxter: the heroic coward with a funny joke in bad taste and the right words for the wrong times
anti hero of a story nobody else is aware of
thank you for abusing all those pesky substances, they surely deserved it
thank you for the black lungs
thank you for speeding down dead end lane at five hundred miles an hour
thank you for remembering your helmet
thank you for saving all the words we never said to those we love
thank you for hiding from the unknown to avoid the scars of failure
thank you for getting those scars anyway
just so we knew what they felt like
thank you for the writer's block.... You *******
but in all seriousness,
thank you for building up your tolerance to beatings
because they will continue until morale improves
thank you

It's a strange place - the real world - monsters lay in wait in every shadow around every corner
and yeah, you aren't the human being 2.0
but you're prepared enough to board up the windows before the hurricane
and Mum, Dad,
I can talk all the **** in the world
but all of it would be empty
because for as ****** up as I am
as ****** up as you both certainly are
we've made it this far
and ******* it
I can't see our sun setting anytime soon
so my naturally adapted cynical sarcasm behind me
Thank you for loving me no matter what
even when the well was so dry love was hard to find
Thank you.

Knocking on wood is cheap
when a fire is close to the surface
so call me a ****
if I don't care for your problems
take a problem make a problem break a few hearts
I had an epiphany
a revelation of sorts
we all have two voices in our head
(at least two)
yin to yang
moon to sun
one of them is overly positive
a naive buffoon talking about lovely flower power
the other
a sarcastic monster
a real *******
chirping in with
"You took that poor fellows order down wrong
you should probably go ahead and **** yourself."
now I know ****** is wrong
but I've been trying to get these two chaps to ****
artificial mental insemination
they haven't quite come to terms with each other yet
but we're getting there
until then,
I guess you could call me
absolutely bonkers

It was the sort of day
that equates to the last day
December **** it
why is it sixty and humid enough to swim circles through the air?
yet the grey mist suffocates the horizon
and the light mist tastes like a city
the cat standing on driveways of crumbling mansions
running with fur puffed up from wild dogs snarling at choke chain collars
The trees are all hiding their heads in the sand
and each building passed decays in decadence
everybody hungry enough to do something they might regret
men and women taking shelter in zoo enclosures
to avoid the jungle cats which stalk the streets beneath blood red hunters' moons
It was the kind of day to make me want to see the next

You said I was the best,
no really,
you said that
As you drunkenly horse pet my face
then I said something
nowhere near as funny as I thought it was
but you laughed anyway
laughed as I told you I wanted to see your face on the other side of that glass pane
oh but you'll come visit me right?
of course I will say I'll visit you
but between you and me
plane tickets are expensive and I've always been a man of leisure
No lazy is not the right word
it's definitely leisure
you were scared
God knows why
as scared as I am when the time comes when I see you in person
a moving statue to the things I hold close
you said I was the best,
believe it or not,
as you drunkenly horse pet my face
and I said
only when it comes to you

Honestly, nobody really cares about the faded pink hash marks which track their course up your forearms and thighs
Honestly, they will feel bad for you then forget
Honestly, it's an effort of futility
Honestly, this is not a world for cowards
Honestly, that's probably what you are
Honestly, drinking and smoking is just another form of razor
Honestly, you need *****. Women and Men.
Honestly, whatever you are is perfectly okay and that is just perfect
Honestly, the majority of people you meet will try to tear you down
Honestly, these monsters are mortal
Honestly, I made a lot of mistakes along the way
Honestly, I don't care
Honestly, they make me who I am
Honestly, this poem will end soon
Honestly, no matter where who what when how, you will be better than fine
Honestly.

You wake up early already feeling an itch behind your eyes and at the base of your spine.
behind your throat. Sweating but **** - it's November and you had the window open. Four cups of coffee and seven cigarettes to start the day. A tip: if you put your hands in your pockets then nobody can see them shaking.
"You look hungry. Eat something."
force down a McMuffin or two at noon and a ham sandwich before work. Drive the car.
that night work is noise.  The shift ends with a paycheck.
Go withdraw thirty bucks. Find some *****.
"A guy's gotta cut loose."
a guy's gotta be cut off.
***** this ***** that
twisted up so tight. wound around the bend. coffee and the dashboard lights. Radiation.
three AM fumbling with the keys - alone under a street light at the bus stop
wake up to the tv playing infomercials. Shower. Now repeat.