My heart is pounding with sin.
The hormones raging within every fiber
of my being with human lust.
I want to take a shower to wash out these impurities
but no amount of soap and water
can cleanse my blood stained heart.
I drink water, hoping it will satisfy my thirst,
but not even that satisfies.
I am dry and devastated because my soul knows
this is not how it was supposed to be.

It's too easy to clear your Internet history.
It's too easy when you're always alone.
It's too easy to stay in the closet on this one.
But this life was never meant to be easy,
challenges and sufferings are the way we grow.
Jesus once said: 'He who has been forgiven little, loves little.'

All I know is the depth of my shame, disgust, and sin
magnifies the glory of my Redeemer.
And all I know is the only thing
that could cleanse such a horrific heart is a horrific cross
that was raised from the grave and given freely to me.
Sin had left a crimson stain He washed it white as snow
And for that I weep with love for my King.

I let him emotionally manipulate me for 2 years because I was afraid of being alone. I didn’t have courage to let him go because I didn't think I deserved any better because no one was offering me any better.


But the freedom I found when I let go of him was more beautiful and exhilarating than any twisted “love” he had ever given me or ever could give me.

Me and him went to a concert a few months ago. I held onto the ticket for a while..thinking one day I’d take a picture of it saying “Look what I found! Miss you.” Today I ripped it apart and threw it away.

(I still have your jacket though)

About 2 weeks ago we were texting at 2AM when you asked me how I would describe you. The question caught me off guard a little because I didn’t know how to be honest without hurting you. So I stuck with ‘smart, fun, obnoxious at times, and caring in your own way’ you said ‘what ways that’ and I said ‘I’m not sure’ and then added ‘how would you describe me?’ Of course you “fell asleep” and decided to stop talking to me after that. Annoying but not unexpected.
Well, some time has passed and I want to change my answer. I could go on and on with explicit profanity and name calling (which don’t get me wrong I want to do) but the thing is, you’re more than just an *******. You’re a coward. You manipulate, you say things you don’t mean, you are selfish, and you’re incredibly misleading.

And when you asked me to describe you I really did want to tell you these things, but I wasn’t ready to lose you quiet yet. Because the truth is, you always made my heart skip a beat, you were fun, you made me think deeper and feel deeper, and I really did believe you were caring in your own way. I wasn’t ready to let you go because the last time I did that it was a hellish 10 months and I was afraid.

Now, I’m still afraid but I’m really starting to believe that I truly don’t need you. I don’t need your lies, your confusion, or manipulation. I don’t need people in my life that constantly reinforce my daunting sense of worthlessness. Because deep deep down I know I am worth more than putting up with your ****.

And you can go into your spiral of self hate and say how much ‘you ****’ all you want but that doesn’t mean anything unless there’s action behind it.

I really loved you. God, I loved you a lot. You were one of the few I’d drop everything for. But I’m done pretending that that’s enough. Because it’s not and it never will be for you.

I hope you eventually find that there’s more to life than this and change is possible but not from an apathetic heart.

And you don’t have to worry about any more hard messages or me ever wanting or trying to be in your life again because I don’t; its not worth my time.

You are the most confusing creator I have ever met. One day you say you're protective of me, you want to be around to take care of me, you enjoy my company, you don't want me to leave--you want me to stay; but now that I'm back you won't speak to me, answer my texts, or even have the slightest interest in seeing me. I knew what I was getting myself into when we started talking again but I don't think I can handle these double standards anymore.

My therapist recently asked me what it was like to be alone. I paused and said that it was like driving home from work in a panic attack, crying and screaming from the emptiness, pulling over on the side of the highway because you couldn’t see the road but deep down not caring if you got hit and died instantly. And you’re in your car alone at 12:06AM looking for the sharpest thing you can find to cut yourself. Anything to distract from the agonizing pain inside your head. You then text your mom saying “I need you”, your best friend, your dad, your other best friend and the silence that comes from everyone else’s busyness screams through the hollow caverns of your heart. You’re alone and you don’t want to be but you don’t have a choice. You believe the God of the universe has abandoned you because he’s not answering as you beg to be saved. Somehow you make it home and to your bed in your empty apartment numbing yourself with sleeping pills when you wake up to messages from those you texted saying “are you okay?” to which you respond “no” knowing nothing will change.

i’ve never had feelings for anyone who could be good for me. i’ve never been interested in someone where a good, healthy relationship could’ve resulted, and maybe that’s why i’m so jaded, because everyone i’ve ever liked has just been a distraction or a house on fire— someone i know i shouldn’t be involved with, but i’ll give myself just a few more days to run around frantically with my hands over my eyes, peaking through the cracks between my fingers, searching for things i know i don’t really need, and then i’ll dash out and run down the driveway and the smog will linger for a little while, and the neighbors will complain, and i’ll sit on the curb with my forehead on my knees, holding nothing but intangible regret. next, i’ll either get over it, or obsessively think about him and the ashes smudged on the inside of my eyelids for longer than my sanity. i’ve never really liked someone and been able to daydream about the real possibility of us turning into something greater; of tire swings and painted mailboxes and overgrown, green lawns. it’s always been pretending and fake hope and melodramatic doom. i think it’s messed up my perception of having feelings for someone, because i can never take it seriously— either i know he’s not right for me, or i know the circumstances prohibit the possibility of us. it makes me never want to give anyone a chance (i can’t even see anyone worth chance-giving) because i know how it ends. i don’t like having this closed off heart so early on; i’m too young to be this bitter.