Countless poems scattered across my desk

I am trying so hard to relive the memories

They will be gone in the mornings light

I do not want to forget -

Tell me that I will not forget how it feels to truly feel loved

To feel happy

This is stronger than any emotion I’ve ever felt

It has consumed me

Tell me I will not be empty

Hollow

Raw

When this all over

I hear that this process can be painful

I’ve hear the slow agony in the voices of others

This loss is not poetic

this loss is 2 am

This loss is screaming

This loss is an angel with its wings being burned off

This loss has be the death for many before myself

This loss has been too much for most to bear.

I need to remember this feeling

As much as it hurts

Every touch

Every longing glance

Every moment just right.

The joy...the pain…

I will not lose it

Not this time.

Monophobia

Or the fear of being alone

Or the fear of waking up in the middle of the night by yourself knowing that you have absolutely no one to confide in.

From an early age I was taught that my self-worth was defined with how many people found me desirable.

I found myself hopping from one relationship to the next

As if the moment I found myself alone

I was worthless

It became my favorite game.

I soon figured out that the more you “put out” the more attractive you are.

Here, I will give you my body in trade for a momentary ounce of affection

Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you need me.

Your voice sung melodies into my heart.

I fell in love with your voice where you fell in love with my desire to please.

Giving you everything you want,

Until I have nothing left to give.

I should've known that the well is only worth tapping when there is water in it,

When you told me I was too fat for you,

I shouldn’t have immediately went on a diet.

When I found out you had been cheating on my the whole time we were dating,

I should have left you.

When I found out you were  going to be the father of another girls baby,

I should have kicked your *** out.

When you started treating me like property,

I should have killed you.

But I blamed myself,

Took ever bullet,

Every punch,

Did ever chore

Palms forward,

Ready for more.

They tell me that this is wrong

But they don’t understand watching three am pass by,

Alone every night,

They don't understand nightmares and insomnia.

I am told that misery is better company than being alone.

When I was twelve years old
I learned the difference between consent and cohesion
Cohesion is consent after being pushed to say yes
Only giving permission when you feel like you have a gun to your head
And consent is a mutual agreement
For years I fought off his advancing hands
Greedily grasping for any part of flesh
Pleading him to stop
Forcing him to stop.
He beat the word stop so far into me
I grew silent.
Eventually I was pleading for his fingers to trace my thighs
I felt content in his pleasure
“If you loved me you’d do it” echoed through my skull.
He taught me that love means always saying yes
I did it. Every time.
Years later
After falling in love for the first time
The word no was buried so deep in myself
The word please seemed as sweet as chocolate
But when he kissed me, he stuck his tongue down my throat.  
I didn't stop him.
Simply wiped away his spit when he was done
This was the beginning of a relationship I would pump out give and give and give until I had nothing left
Because that was the only way I knew how to show him I truly loved him. I learned to find pleasure in between his gasps.
Grow aroused at his satisfaction.
I learned how to grow silent,
Hoping that he would see the discomfort in my eyes and just
Stop.

They've told me that this is just an illusion
Reality is a bitter conformist
That I am seeing love for the first time through drunken eyes
That this cannot be real…
Maybe...maybe they're right
but I would like to think that this is reality for just one moment
Maybe I could will it to be true
Because love has never tasted so sweet,
His voice seeps honey
His hands, so gentle
His heart so pure
His love, so passionate
We are Yin and Yang
He is everything pure and innocent and righteous
And I am everything dark, and strong, and brave.
We are polar opposites but exactly the same,
Words are pointless when silence can fill the empty holes in your heart.
He makes me forget my compulsive need to fill the silence.
He knows how I eat, how I sleep, how I wake up in the morning.
He understands every laugh, every faked smile, every tear.
We understand that he will never be perfect,
but neither will I.
He is my other half,
needing me as much as I need him.
Without him, my chest tightens
my heart sinks,
my blood boils,
my body aches.
But with him, I don't feel butterflies
Tornadoes rip through my stomach
But I feel completely at ease
I swear we fell in love just for the juxtaposition
His touch is electric
So welcoming...so warm
They tell me that he is poison
That he will corrupt me
That he’s evil
Bipolar
They tell me that I am foolish
That we cannot love each other
But he sings sweet melodies into my heart.
I will not let myself forget how it feels to be in love through drunken eyes,
I will force myself to remember.

He told me that he'd always stand by me
Sealed his promise with a kiss
I found myself in his arms
An archaeologist discovering my ancient history I'd long since forgotten.
Buried myself deeper into him until I forgot who I was before
He could make the world go away faster than anyone else.
It only took one touch but
Fate has a funny way of breaking promises.
He was my savior crucified for my sins
He was suffering but he still made sure to rekindle the fire inside of me that had been out for so long.
He always told me he was my angel
The protector of those who choose not to fight for themselves
I never fought for myself.
One touch and it all disappeared
One kiss and I was forgetting my name
He was fighting in my corner every time.
How I wish I could go back to those days
You never know that that last kiss is going to be your last, how I would've held onto him longer
You never know that last touch will leave you wanting more.
You never know love until it’s gone.
Winter winds are as unforgiving as they are cruel.
The only way to know the beauty of snow is to feel it burn your flesh.
How unfair fate taunts happiness in front of those who have never truly felt it.
Consumed in the bliss of a single moment,
over far too fast.
I wonder if the world wept when their savior was taken from them
Open armed as if trying to take all of the pain away.
I like to think that winds whipped across the air
Families were ripped apart
I am sure the world broke out in chaos
At least that is what the world deserved.
Distractions are easy to find
I told myself that if I wanted to hard enough
I could tuck away the memories
of his touch
of his smile
of his heavenly laugh
Just...forget
But I fell too hard...to fast...unable to get up.
I met someone new
He told me he was a demon
Helped me slowly sink
Helping to **** the fire that once ran rampant in my soul
You cannot fall planted deep underground
I loved him but still wanted my savior -
They say misery is the best company, right?

One day it just stopped
The world that was spinning far too fast finally fell of its axis.
I woke up and I didn't feel like the world was collapsing in onto my shoulders.
I didnt want to rip my heart out of my chest.
But I didn't want to live.
It feels like I am drowning.
My lungs slowly filling up with water
I watch everyone else take a deep breath.
I can’t breathe. I can't breathe. I can’t breathe.
I am numb.
My eyes once vibrant seem dull.
Lifeless
There was nothing.
Going numb is not poetic.
I have to remember to make an attempt
I feel empty as if I made a bet with the devil and the devil won
My chest seems hollow.
It echo's with every heartbeat
I cannot bring myself to get up.
My mother pulls me out of bed
She asks me if I had taken my medications as if anti-depresents could save me from this emptiness inside
"They are what caused this"
She asks if I've cut recently.
I want to tell her that I would take the sensation of pain over nothingness every day.
I feel like a guest in my own home
A tourist in my own mu
Begging for anyone to help me escape the clutches of oblivion.
Nothing matters anymore.
There's just silence.

Before you fall in love with a suicidal girl
Don't.
Suicide can not be romanticized and though she might idolize you
Remember that you may not be enough.
Remember that this world may never be enough.
Demons don't just go away, sometimes they just hide in the shadows.
And even at the highest noon they are there. Just smaller. The sun will go down.
She will always have shadows.
Remember that no matter what you do
You are irrelevant in her master plan.
She will plan out her letters in your arms.
When she is silent hold her. Make her know that she is loved, it may not be enough but those few moments in your arms might make her think twice.
But don't assume for one second you will be her savior.
When you see cuts on her wrists do not beg her to stop.
She won't.
She will cut deeper for letting you see her weak.
She will try to be strong.
She will put on a show for you. She will make you forget she was ever depressed.
Remember that sunsets can make you forget that night is bound to follow.
Know that night will follow.
When you get her final love letter to you
Ignore the fact that it is stained in blood.
Do not pour your precious time.into wondering if she suffered.
She will write her apologies in her best handwriting.
Do not read it.
Get in your car and drive.
Drive to the nearest bar and read the letter through hazy bloodshot eyes.
Do not blame yourself.
Do not look for moments you could have done something different.
It'll drive you crazy.
Before you fall in love with a suicidal girl.
Don't.