She tells me happiness is a choice.
That one day I can just magically wake up and everything will go away.
That if I tell myself I am happy enough times it will come true.
A "self-fulfilling prophecy"
She tells me that I am a victim of circumstance
And that the key to being happy is letting go.
The synapses in my brain scream otherwise, pleading for serotonin.
You see, depression is a disease
Thoughts struggle to travel from neurotransmitter to neurotransmitter.
Synapses feel as vacant and as large as the grand canyon you see
It's so easy to get lost in there.
I wish it was as simple as choosing to be happy
I'd choose to be happy.
I ask her,
When did I choose to feel this sad?
Did I just wake up one morning and decide, "Oh, i'll choose to feel like wanting to die today"
They tell me I've been here before.
They tell me that this is an illusion.
I have been here before. I just cannot remember.
I cannot remember being this sad.
But I choose to sit in class struggling to recollect even the simplest things.
I choose to hate going out.
I choose to stay up all night
It's just a choice.

My therapists asks if I have ever tried getting out of my comfort zone,
When she says comfort zone she imagines me talking to complete strangers, traveling the world, becoming a trapeze artist.
When I hear comfort zone I think of getting up in the morning, performing in drama class, staying after school to talk with my teachers, catching a cup of coffee with a friend.
You see, my counselor thinks that adventure is the cure of all heartache.
How could I have the energy for adventure when I can barely get out of bed?
I want to tell her
“Going out with friends in my mind is the equivalent of running a marathon in yours.
I’m exhausted.
Social anxiety is a constant demon strapped to my back.
I am constantly paranoid in public that I am the topic on everyone's tongue.
Even a simple phone call makes my voice tremble so badly the other line struggles to understand.
Even looking in the mirror is out of my comfort zone.
Do you have any idea what it is like to hate yourself so much that you don't feel worthy of going out in public?
To feel like you came out of the womb with defects
You see, riding a bull to you is answering a question in front of the the class
Speaking in front of people to me is skydiving.
My words are never good enough,
My voice shakes
I dont need to be thousands of feet in the air free falling towards the earth to feel this rush of adrenaline.
I can stand up here and feel just as much if not more.
So yes. I have thought about escaping my comfort zone.
I do it every day.

My mother is the strongest woman I have ever met and she has the purest soul.

My mother has worked in the jail for twenty years: been spit on, swung at, cursed at, abused physically and mentally by inmates and she still works 12 hour shifts at our jail without resistance.

My mother taught me to address a police officer by sir or ma'am.

My mother taught me that respecting your authority is a responsibility.

That any crime is a crime nonetheless

And to never, ever pull a gun on a police officer.

I thought that these things were common sense.

If we really need someone to blame for the supposed injustices carried out by police officers Blame the parents who forgot to teach their children how to act.

As of today multiple police officers have been slaughtered by outlaws desperate to bring the "law" into their own hands

Officer Raphael Ramos, an officer in NYC who had only been on the force for two years was assassinated 5 days before Christmas.

He had two sons, one younger than myself.

I imagined christmas morning,

Did his son wake up and rush down the stairs to see a tree with many gifts underneith without a father to his side?

Who will teach him how to shave?

Who will be there for him after his first broken heart?

Or the first time he gets in trouble?

How miserable of a holiday season this must have been for him.

I imagined my mother

A woman who has spent countless anniversaries, Christmases, and birthdays in the jail.

How many times she missed a concert recital, a football game, just to keep us safe.

I imagined her slaughtered.

I imagined a bullet-wound in her skull and

I wondered what she'd be remembered for...

As a girl scout leader of ten years

As a loving mother

As a wonderful wife

Or a "murderous" police officer.

And cried when I knew it would be the latter.

Some might not agree with the actions taken by a select few police officers.

But justice is not a perfect system.

Rapheal Ramos was murdered for someone else’s crimes.

I'm sure Raphael Ramos’s children can't breathe.

I know I sure can’t.

****** does not justify ******.

Especially the ****** of those who have sacrificed all to keep you safe.

That. In itself. Is THE injustice.

If I could, I would give you everything your heart desires and multiply it.
If you wanted a book I'd give you a library.
If you wanted a game I'd buy you the store.
If you wanted light, I'd give you the stars
If you needed a person to listen I'd stay up 24/7
I would walk to the ends of the earth for you.
I am not rich, so I cannot buy you the world
Nor can my hands create something beautiful.
I am not someone you can show off to your friends.
I am far from perfect.
But
I will love you
I will listen and be there to support you even when you are at your worst
I will love you the same when you are at your best
I will give you a permanent place to stay.
I can't give you much,
But I will love you with all of my heart for today, and tomorrow, and forever.

I am irrevocably in love with you,
And everything about you
Even the littlest things.
The way you nod your head to your own beat when you are happy,
The way your eyes sparkle when you are doings something you love,
Your laugh.  
The way you close your eyes slowly when you are really tired, fighting to stay awake.
The way you are able to make me feel like I’m worth it, despite how often I say that I’m not.
Your voice is like velvet,
Especially when you tell me you love me,
And you tell me it constantly.
The way I feel like I can tell you anything,
Even the things that have made past companions turn and run before.
The way you wake up in the morning,
Your wavy brown hair,
Your vibrant green eyes.
Your perfect smile.
The way you complete me in a way no other person has.
The way I feel like I can trust you.  
Your tender touch under firm hands.
You are my perfect paradox,
You both mystify me and make perfect sense in the same moment.
You’re terrifying.
I have always been oblivious to circumstances ways,
I seemed to fall out of the wrong persons arms,
And straight into yours.
Every stupid decision I've ever made,
Has led me straight to you.
I love you.

I will be the first to admit that I am hard to handle.
I am a perfect hurricane.
I will destroy everything you love and everything in my path.
I will make a mess of your heart…of your entire life…
I am hard to handle.
My expectations are nearly impossible to meet,
And once my trust is broken it is gone for good.
I can be a high maintenance *****.  
I will love you and I will hate you in the same moment,
But I promise you if I love you I do it with all of my heart,
And on the nights that you do not message me,
Expect me to wonder what I have done wrong.
Because in the end…it will always be my fault.
I will spend every moment,
Wondering what prettier girl you are cheating on me with.
I will find every reason to suspect that you are lying to me,
Even when you tell me you love me.
I will read between the lines of everything you say.
I will never believe a single word you say.
I will press every button you never knew existed,
When you tell me that you love me and I cringe,
Do not pull away. Just say it again and again until I grow fond of the word.
Please…
Be patient.
On the nights when all I can do is cry I don’t expect you to have a solution,
Just hold me…and tell me while you’re here everything will be alright
And maybe one day I will believe you.
But until then, I will spend hours planning the day that you leave,
I will expect you to leave.
They all do.
I will make a mess of your heart…of your entire life…
So that you do not make a mess of mine.

The clock strikes midnight again tonight,
I am up to welcome another never-ending day.
Sweaty palms curled against silk sheets,
Screaming profanities into my pillow.
I don’t know how I got here.
Or how misery and loneliness can make such good company
But it seems like solitude will be my lover, my best friend, and my companion for the foreseeable future.
I don’t know how I got here.
I spent so much time planning out my future
But somewhere along the way
I took a detour off of a cliff.
The synapses in my brain seem to have stopped firing,
Completely.
The night seems endless,
Repetitively checking my phone for an answer to my prayers.
A simple “I love you” can do so much.
But the words never come,
And I loose myself.
My thoughts are killing me.
I feel like I’m drowning.
I don’t know what happened between then and now
But I would give anything to go back there.