I'm the girl who talks others out of suicide, because I don't want them to lust like I do
I am the girl who wipes the tears away from their eyes, just because i don't  want them to cry themselves to sleep like i do
I am the girl who solves fights between friends just because I doesn't want to see their friendships die like mine did
I am the girl who helps others live through break ups, because i know what it feels to have a broken heart
I am the girl who begs her friends to stop cutting, but constantly aches for the blade
I am the girl who tries to mend a broken heart, when hers has been broken for years
I am the girl with double standards, because no one is as insignificant as me.

I’d always been a realist with admiration for an imperfect dreamer.
A compassionate tortured soul with a dark side.
I’ve ached for the presence of his company,
He taught me how to dream….
Sweeping me off of my feet as I landed in the clouds.
You don’t realize how high up you are until you fall…
When I was with him, the night that had surrounded me for so long started to fade,
He was my light at the end of the tunnel...
We were synchronized. In perfect harmony.
Or so I thought.
Love is not a place for “I love you’s”
No matter how much you try to preserve the word, love is a game of chicken
Someone has to give in,
And all of those “I love you’s” will no longer matter.
We held our breath underwater, seeing who would be the first to give up.
We were going to drown.
He went up for air…
I never did.
Clichés and love don’t mix, like oil and water only one will always end up on top.
I was a ship lost at see and he was my lighthouse,
I found home in the creases of his arms…
I’m homesick.

619 Miles
9 hours and 38 minutes
The distance that separates myself and the girl
I can’t take my mind off of.
Because
It is said that for one person
There is another built to fit perfectly
Woven together on a planet of billions
A soul mate.
Now that is cheesy and completely absurd,
Especially for an asexual….
But I’ve never felt this way,
About anyone.
Especially not….a girl.
Heterosexuality has been the one term that has defined me
My whole life.
For 14 years I was sick at the idea of being anything but.
But that word is floating further into oblivion.
Echoes of my parent’s homophobic hatred.
Palms start to sweat as I blush like crazy,
Staring at a computer screen that has never been more important
My heart seems to leap out of my chest.
And, it is just so absurd for me to feel this way,
Because she is just so amazing,
And I am average at best.
But it is insane for me to care about her as much as I do.
Having known her for 24 hours
But she gets me, through each letter we seem to read unwritten messages.
As I get to learn more and more about her
The more I wish she was here.
Because she is the one girl I’d actually take the chance with
The one I wouldn’t be afraid to tell my parents about.
My chance to escape this closet I've hidden in my whole life,
And it is impossible to comprehend
How she could ever feel the same way.
Why she would ever feel the same way.
Because 9 hours and 38 minutes
The distance that separates myself and the girl
I can’t take my mind off of.

12 years old,
A quiet girl with
A boyish wardrobe,
And a soft smile,
A front of the bus kind of girl,
Who cared nothing about fitting in
Or popularity,
As long as it meant keeping her 4.0 GPA.
A girl who didn’t say much,
A girl who just wanted to fade into the background.
Seduced by the idea,
Of having friends,
Pulled into a world,
She just wasn’t ready to join.
She sat in the front left seat every day behind the driver.
She never spoke a word,
Other than saying a quiet “thank you” as she got of the bus.
Until the day the boy sat down
Beside her.
She smiled as he introduced himself and offered to shake her hand.
And she introduced herself.
Speaking on the bus for the first time.
Every day she sat by him,
Every day he would have a clever joke to tell her,
Or a compliment to give her,
And she found him so mysterious,
The way he had at least five coffees a day
But never had too much energy.
The way he would touch her,
As if she was a novelty.
The way he seemed to care about her,
Even though she knew she wasn’t pretty.
That was probably the most confusing part of all.
But, one day, she knew something was different.
When she sat down he didn’t have a clever joke to tell,
And when he touched her,
It was a hand crushing down on her shoulder.
As he grabbed her hair,
Ripping it out strand by strand.
As he told her, how lucky she was to have him in her life.
And his bus stop was four before hers,
So he had just enough time
To be waiting at her front door
When she got home from the bus.
And he drug her out to the woods,
A place they always went together.
And for the first time around him,
She was terrified.
She knew she shouldn’t follow, but he wouldn’t let her pull away,
He only grabbed her hand tighter,
And wouldn’t let go.
And then he pulled out his knife
Pushing her into the dirt
As she scrambled for something to hit him with,
He grabbed her neck,
The cool blade against her skin,
And she couldn’t fight any more.
She gave up,
As he tried to take off her shirt,
She trembled,
And all he had to tell her,
Was the fact that she was lucky,
Because no one would ever love a fat girl
Could ever love a fat girl.
A twelve year old girl
Without her smile
A twelve year old girl with trust issues,
No friends,
And a 2.0 GPA.

Cancer.
A word no one wants to hear.
Unless, of course you are talking about the astrological sign where it is said for you to be known for your loyalty, caring, and adapting qualities.
Cancer.
A word I never wanted to hear.
It was August.
My father and I had grown apart, once again.
We could never agree on anything, it didn’t matter what it was.
Gay rights, politics, the existence of God, these were only some of the topics we argued about, constantly.
I remember saying things like, “I hate you!” and “I wish you were out of my life forever.”
“I hope you die.”
I hope you die.
Four simple words. Horrible words.
Words I only said once out of anger.
Add never between you and die and you completely change the meaning.
Later on, I would wish that I had added the never.
I was listening to the song “I’m Gonna Love You Through It” at full volume trying to block out my mother and fathers fight.
Only now do I see the irony.
My parents left the room.
I listened as hard as I possibly could only to make out the words, Malignant Lymphoma.
My world would completely change that August.
They say that when someone is diagnosed with cancer, everyone around them is as well. I never understood that, it wasn’t me that was dying, until I saw him come home from his first cancer treatment.
He was exhausted, my father, the man of steel could barely stand.
My life became morphed into the what ifs. What if he doesn’t make it? What if I lose my dad?
My life became mutated into a twisted picture as I tried to find every answer in text books and statistics.
18,990 people die from this cancer every year.
My dad always joked he would never make it to see 51…he was 49.
My mom broke down, often, gasping in air as if she would never breathe in again.
As if, she had forgotten how.
I stopped breathing. I had no estimation or approximation of when I would breathe in again.
Malignant Lymphoma. Cancer. Dying.
Those three words were all that I could think about.
I wanted to escape. I wanted to pretend like I was clueless. They say that ignorance is bliss.
I think that was about the time I stopped believing in God.
That night, as I tried to bring myself to pray, the words got stuck in my throat.
I couldn’t understand why.
Soon, treatment began, was unsuccessful, and now the cancer is spreading. .
That’s the thing about lymphoma.
It doesn’t go away.

When I look into your eyes,
I see a child trapped in a teenage body,
A soul that understands the evil of the world,
More than anyone else I know.
There is something dead inside.
I see it.
Your childhood gone forever.
You were young, so young,
Before your childhood was stolen from you,
Stolen from us.
Both facing the same demon without even realizing it.
You, my dear, are my best friend.
Had I come to you sooner admitting what happened I might have been able to stop it from happening to you.
I blame myself every day for everything he did to you.
If I had let him do it more to me, maybe, he wouldn’t have needed to steal your innocence too.
As I watch you cry yourself to sleep night after night,
I wish I could take all of your pain away.
But I can’t.
It wouldn’t have been ******* away.
At first, it was just a hug that lasted a little too long.
Then it was the bruises.
The wandering hands.
And then, it was a knife to my throat as he tried to rip off my clothes.
I may have been 12, but you were 10, you knew nothing about “relationships” or “true love”
For the longest time you couldn’t even look a boy in the eyes
I only noticed, because neither could I.
This secret we both shared eating us up on the inside.  
To where we could no longer trust anyone of the male population
Not even our dads, our brothers, our grandparents.
We swapped every face with his.
But yet, maybe my jeans too sizes two big were too tight.
Maybe my choker collar tee shirt was cut too low.
Maybe I was sending him mixed signals by
Somehow meaning yes when I said no
And meaning go when I told him to stop.
Or maybe, it was because he knew I was too weak to tell anyone.
That made him do what he did at school, on the bus, in my house, in the woods, at the park.
Every day for two years ripping away a piece of my soul.
Once or twice he even had his friends to egg him on.
To hold me down
To cheer as I was more exposed then I ever wanted to be.
I’ve broken up with every boyfriend I’ve had.
In three years, that has been 2 boys.
Because it takes a whole lot for me to even consider giving a guy a chance.
One lasted 2 weeks before he tried to kiss me and I almost broke his back from pushing him on the concrete.
The other lasting a year helping me to heal everything that monster had broken inside of me until I got so close to him, I didn’t know what else to do but run away.
I know it only lasted because he was too scared to touch me.
And, it broke my heart more than it ever should have.
Because he has been the only guy who ever cared.
Who I’ve ever loved.
But the idea of love terrifies me.
And I know it does you too.
You might be almost thirteen now, with a boyfriend who “loves you”
But I can still see you flinch when he touches you.
You blame it on yourself.
But you did nothing wrong.
We did nothing wrong.
We need to stop blaming the victims.
And one day, things will be okay again.

Dear ten year old me,
It’s okay to cry,
You aren’t as weak as they think,
When they mock you as you fall down,
Stiff legged.
Get back up like you’ve always done and smile and bow.
Because it is not your fault you’re this way.
Be proud.
Because everything passes eventually.
I know it doesn’t help that the doctors can’t seem figure out what is wrong with you.
Even the doctors think you are melodramatic.
That you are acting out this illness for the attention because you “obviously don’t get at home”.
But trust me, you will one day be able to walk again without crutches.
The only odds stacked against you when you walk are gravity and your own inevitable clumsiness.
Thank your mom for that.
You will be able to go to school,
Even though I know you would rather just stay home
And you will be you.
Eventually.
However, your lack of self-confidence causes your determination to falter.
Your God given gifts of leadership and strength have been pushed so far down your throat you have forgotten they were even there.
You have become invisible to your peers,
But only when you’re not their target on the other end of the shooting range.
Without a weapon in your hand, all you can do is dodge their bullets. But if you’re hit, don’t worry, it may hurt now but even bullet wounds heal.
They might leave scars, but sometimes scars can be a sign of strength.
But beware of the best friend,
Because sometimes a hug puts you in the perfect position to be stabbed in the back.
And best friends don’t come with user manuals,
And lie detectors are really hard to come by.
But no matter what they say,
Let it go in one ear and out the other.
Because I know from experience that you will never believe it, but you are beautiful.
You are compassionate, strong, caring, brave, kindhearted, a leader, a friend.
Let your light shine.
Don’t let them tell you that you aren’t worth it.
You are invincible.
Strong enough to hold the weight of the world on your shoulder.
But be ready, because this journey won’t be easy.
You will hit speed bumps, potholes, sharp turns, detours, one way streets, yields, even stop signs before you realize that it is all a part of this game of life that you are playing.
And if the hand you’re dealt isn’t great stack the deck in your favor.
But some rules to live by:
Don’t let your heart become cold,
Don’t forget to be you,
Don’t give up
Be strong.
Listen to mom and dad,
Always turn the other cheek,
And make sure to hug grandma a little tighter.
Sweetheart,
I know life is going to get tough,
But keep your head up, smile, and face the world.
With a heart big enough to have its own zip code.
Because, these aren’t the best days, and these aren’t the worst,
You might not think you’ll ever make it through,
Things just don’t seem fair.
But just remember,
It’s your freshman year,
And you are still here.
Love,
Me.