Like a storm on a distance horizon
I watch you from far under
The lightening fleetingly flashes
But I can't hear your thunder

Does she fill the holes I left?
Did the rain wash it all away
Do you still see the stars at night
Do you think of me in day

I'm miles ahead
But you're not running
I'll wait for signs
But none are coming

You were my family
You were my home
The storm retreats above

When is it time
To give up hope
To let go of broken love

you never
really loved
me

only the
idea of
me

Waiting for boys to become men on the crippled backs of mountains
While sins in the seaside wash away with morning sand
Forgiveness thrums in days like heartbeats
For herself and for him, for her and for himself
Blame and guilt and spite seep away with summer heat
Chicory blooms in the hillside
She waits for him to come home
He wonders if there is a home left to come to

In the silence of the dark
When sense is close to sleeping
I can feel your arms around me
I can feel you breathing
In my dreams where i can love you
In the bright of day
In my dreams where you are not
Two thousand miles away

In the light where I can finally breathe without your name
In the noises of the crowd where there is no more pain
I'll recall the wavelength of the silence that you kept
I'll set fire to that broken bed where we once slept

The great thing about darkness? The darker it is, the more stars you see.

But I can’t find you in the dark.

You are surrounded by an icky bitter feeling.

Your associations are uncomfortable, tepid, foreboding, terrifying.

Your silence, your indifference, grates upon my bones and rips against my heart and tears apart my resolve.

My resolve. Resolve?

I have it. Had it. It waxes and wanes like the moon, directly corresponding to how well I can squelch my love for you that day, deep down to the very pit of my stomach, where it bubbles and festers like burning tar.

I hate you. I love you. But I HATE YOU. But I don’t. It’s not YOU I hate. It’s this dark, tormented, drug-riddled, anxiety filled imposter that has become YOU. The one sitting at the bottom of his sad dark hole, impervious to the light shining down on him from up above.

The light on which I’ve wasted endless energy to find you.

The light that’s going out.

When I see you, it’s always in my periphery. I cannot look straight at you, into your eyes.

You are blurred, smeared across my psyche, a beautiful work of art incinerated into mockeries of char on the ground.

I want to save you. I want to beat against your chest and scream in your face. COME BACK. COME HOME. COME OUT. SEE ME. SEE ME. SEE YOU. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE DOING. LOOK AT WHAT YOU’RE BECOMING.

But I can’t. I can’t save you. You don’t want to be saved.


My light’s going out. I still can’t see the stars.

If you're wondering if I still think about you

I do

If you're wondering if I still dream about you

I do

If you're wondering if there's anyone else

There's not

If you're wondering if I miss you

I do

If you're wondering if I still love you

I do. I always will. I made a promise. A lifelong commitment. I love you, and I always will.

I leave my love for you in the sun.
I leave my love for you in the gentle breeze that caresses the palm fronds, the way you used to caress my hair.
I leave my love for you in the clouds that kiss the sky, just as you kissed my face.
I leave my love for you in the warmth touching my skin, just as your warmth soaked into me as you held me in your arms.

I leave all of it here, in a place of my greatest dreams and my worst nightmares. I leave it here, so that someday I may return to it. I leave it here, so I can finally set myself free.