i think maybe i only love you because
you're older, because you have large hands
that have held more than mine ever will

(or maybe it is because instead of choosing to
hold the world, you chose to hold me)

12 am
Silly me, I caved in
And for the first time in months, I called you again
                                                  "Come meet me
                                                  at our favorite place."

Sitting down on the swing
Trying the understand the distance between
I see you walking closer to me
                                                  "I was wondering when
                                                  you'd call my phone."

I couldn't resist
I missed your sweet bliss
Leaning in, you stole a kiss
                                                  "We should leave
                                                  it's pretty cold."

I climb into your car
You hold onto my hand, yet seem so far
Those hands, so gracefully, strummed your guitar
                                                  "I was asleep when you called
                                                  I hope you know."

The way you said it didn't strike me as odd
A sarcastic manner, so I managed a nod
The way you tried to sound annoyed had seemed so flawed
                                                  "Where exactly are we going
                                                  on a night like this?"

You pull up a song
and start to sing along
turn it down a notch, then think for far to long
                                                  "An adventure my dear
                                                  is what tonight's all about."

Fast forward a bit
to when I'm biting my lip
where we're alone in your bed- your hands stroking my hip.
                                                  "I've missed the way
                                                  you loved me."

And now we're laying, you've drifted off to sleep
My thoughts have gotten far to deep
I steal a kiss upon your cheek.

I turn away and start to move to the other side of the bed
but even in your sleep your hands wrap tighter around me and pull me closer instead
and all that motion speaks for the words unsaid.

Whether it was the need in your embrace
or the look of longing on your face
loving you was always the worst chase.

I miss the sound of your voice,
And how you used to sleep our time away.
I miss not having a choice,
And I reminisce on the days that I didn’t have a say.
I fondly look back on your time with me,
And I thank you for all you’ve done.
It’s such a shame that I can finally see
That it’s not my fault that you took off on a run.
I miss your blue judgmental eyes,
And I miss crying myself to sleep,
Because I’d go to my room and realize
That I was in far too deep.
But you called yourself dad, and that’s what you are.
We don’t just share DNA.
We share such a bond, like when you almost crashed the car,
And I’ve loved you more and more since that day.

I have finally quit cutting
But I can clearly remember why I used to
And I can feel the urges to do so
That will never leave

I remember the first time
It scared me and hurt
I blamed the parallel lines
On a cat I didn't have

I didn't like it the first time
I don't remember why I did it again
For a while I never drew blood
I wish I had stopped at that

I quit many times
But with every relapse I got worse
They got deeper
I bled more

The red that dripped down my skin
Burning like lava on it's way down
A red river to show me
How worthless I am

They say time heals all wounds
But I'm left with these scars
These stories etched into my skin
From when I was at my weakest

I remember the last time
I only made one cut
But it was so deep
It didn't stop bleeding for days

It's been four months
And that stupid scar is pink and angry
That I had ruined
Another patch of skin

I understand what it's like
To be broken
And feel useless
To feel worthless

And that is why
I cry
When I kiss
Her scars

I’m the sort of girl who drinks tequila out of coffee cups
and wears really skimpy dresses
and goes out partying all night
and kisses random boys in the dark

But I’m also the kind of girl who wears her hair in a messy bun
and reads Jane Austen when it rains
and enjoys watching documentaries with my cat

But I’m also the kind of girl who likes slamming beers
and putting on team colors
and cussing at the top of my lungs at sporting events

But I'm also a *** who sleeps until noon
and eats cold pizza because I don't wanna cook
and contemplates what life would be like if I were dead

But I'm not fitting in your boxes
And you hate that
And it confuses you
And I like it

Girls aren't one thing
Or another.

We're not the sun
And the stars.
And we're not the **** of the earth.

I'm not Alpha and Omega
I'm not Fire and Ice
I'm not Beauty and Grace.

I'm me
And she's her.
And we're not the same.

I can chug a beer while reading Frost
Or contemplate the meaning of life at a hockey game

I can be
Party Girl
Sloppy Drunk
Thoughtful Bookworm
Crazy ******

All of the above.
Or none.

I'm me.