you just don't grasp
I can't get it through your skull
but I'm not even allowed to be angry

frustration
deliberation

**** your indecisive mind
and your lack of opinion
the way you ***** me over
just because you forget that I'm fragile

but I'm not even allowed to be mad

I can't even scream

so I'm left with all this pent up hell
and the sweetest kiss on the cheek

My fingers tremble
unable to keep them still
I attempt to create something

a second glance

maybe a reason to smile

they trace your perfect shape
your hills and valleys
the dips of your spine
raising your nerves

and on my neck
I feel the warmth of your breath
calming mine

its almost as if
this moment
could carry on
infinite

my fingers dance gently
down your back
barely making contact
but still we touch

like if I can
outline your entire being
and capture this moment

maybe then you'll stay

forever

like we were too scared to say

I bring my fingers to your lips
and below your jaw
and I see the reflection of my dreams in your eyes

I promise
promise

promise

that we can be
infinite

narcissistic thought
introspective questions
philosophy
and solid facts

please get out of my head
I'd honestly rather be dead
or at least sleeping
than searching my soul
or creating some ******* identity

this isn't a poem
you've been fooled
this is a comatose rant

this is cigarette ashes
blowing in the air
it smells like **** and gasoline

this is the scratch of a strangers beard
and his alcoholic breath
and his secrets that he's drinking away

this is failure at the end of a movie
this is disappointment
without a hiccough of glorious relief

only empty
yet overflowing
words
strung together with teenage angst
and a yearning for someone
to tell me that I'm not the only one
who sees this world
this frail sense of humanity

this is uncomfortable, sweaty bedsheets
this is tossing and turning
this is sleep with no rest

this is a stubbed toe after a breakup
this is my grey matter
attempting to produce something worth typing
and failing

but I'm too stubborn to give up.
I'm sorry.

lean your heavy head
on the rough, cool brick
like an unknown mother's breast
tired lungs with your habitual breath
an invisible history
you've become a shadow
in busy streets

feel the complexity
of tired lover's steps
on this worn down
moonlit street

from the shadows you glance
at the click clack noise
and the creature connected
to those hurried feet

she looks up at your movement
startled and tense
eyes full of fear

what does she expect?
(not kindness)

if only she knew
it was all you had left to offer.

the broken rush
resonates through my skull
reminiscent of heavy footsteps
My nightmares
all returning
climbing onto my chest
weighing me down
I wouldn't dare open my eyes
terrified
Daddy said I would forget
well he was wrong
and so was I
to twist my subconscious into lies
creating a getaway
So my monsters followed me to the grave
so it seems
and nobody is left to save me
do the terrors win?
is this really the end?
the weight on my chest
sinks deep
into my heart it bends
If its over
might as well
see the creatures
dragging me to hell
with my last breath
my final moment
it will be said
that my eyes were open

purpose
becomes a slipping memory
I forget the ways my joints used to move
to put pen to paper
and let loose my imagination
my heart
my soul
my unknown longings
I am lacking
but I've lost the ability to find out how
investing in passion
losing sight of my drive
I despise
everything that leaks out of my mind
come back
let me be
once again

No possessive pronouns here
sick and tired of "I"
what exists, what doesn't
no one wonders why

bad habits and dreams
create the self aware
when greater power is knocking
no one's really there

Time is a concept
what if we're proved wrong?
What if minutes were
non existent all along?

we've trapped ourselves
a convict of our convictions
there's only one way out
believe in the fiction

free your mind
from the basis of "you and I"
no boundaries
of space and time

no consequential counting
no winners of your race

once you remember how to think
you'll already be last place.

Frustration
  seeping through my muscle
unnamed expressions of
    that new human emotion
       its older than most
what are we compared to?

I breathe air like it's impossible to swallow
    a paradox
forgetting the fond memories

left with the ones that tear at the seams
     (nothing is as it seems)
It's art
even the horrific
long lost
  repressed

hiding under quilts
of ignorance
of silent disdain

All we have is now
you'll keep me afloat
but never teach me how
knots in my throat,
I'm guilty
reading your scribbled love notes
I'll beg you to stay with me.
Pinky promise on the train
we're headed towards anywhere
they called us insane
but I think we discovered
a new truth in our love
I've been lost and recovered
and we laugh from above
the borders aren't there
the wards are so small
breathe in the frosty air
we won't go down at all
we're flying high
like the stars we idolized
and as we left the ground
we knew our secrets wouldn't be found.

My mouth moves in a lonely way.
My breath knows no idea of continuity.
I believe only in the narcissistic consumption of thought.

Is that art?

You confessed to sinning in the womb.
But on your grave, there will be no roses.
Nothing left for your bones.
Just steps sending you shivers.
Taunting you.
Can this last?
My hair tangles in the stale air, and I bite my lips, trying to calm their dancing.
They whisper my poorly kept secrets.

This is ours, this empty home.
With polaroids of strangers on the wall.
A mattress that moans as you slump down.

Its been a long day.

Stained glass reflections on my face as I lean against the window pane.
I watch the ways your pupils contract as they meet mine across the bare room.
You down your coffee from this morning, too sweet, making you scrunch up your nose.
Like electric molasses it moves down your throat, it’s taste on your lips.
Where mine were last night.

My mouth is in motion, and you hear my intentions with a filter of hope.

This is a letter
To you

My thoughts are hectic
They bleed through my sinuses
Asking me to give up
Never! My heart screams
But my gut agrees
It aches to slip back into emptiness
I yearn to shrink away
Like I have in my dreams

I feel eyes on my spine
Making me doubt my sadness
An angel drops with the beat of my drum

Children are screaming
They don't know what to do with their hands

There's an esoteric understanding of the stars
And their shimmer

Did you witness the jump?
Do you consume your lust?
I live, in a cryptic sense.
Tear out the pages that remind you of home
We're dusty and unused
Blurring at the edges
Like monochrome photographs

Clasp your hands and cover your eyes
Covering you from the pouring lies

Overdose on oxygen
Keeping you alive until it decides you should die
It's reminiscent of your pessimistic outlook

I have nothing else to say.

I feel like a shadow of your chaos
following in time
stepping carefully through the rubble
the things you've left behind
so precious to some
mean so little to us
we run and we run
leaving everyone in our wake
I'm so fond of the way
you hold my hands when they shake
you taste like soaking sugar cubes
sickly sweet something I remember
we'll never see another summer or december
this is our finale

terrified, that you're gone already
when you're not here, my heart feels heavy
my mouth tastes acidic
without your stubborn kisses
curl my shoulders and clench my fist
oh how I hate this distance
it gets colder as you stay quiet
you didn't promise that you'd never lie
this feels uneasy and I don't know why

you hesitate...... making me question
everything that I want to believe in
I'm learning to trust, you're my test
to see if I'm better, to see my best
my fingers search for your hair to caress
I guess I just miss you
nothing more nothing less

Then again, I know this is much more
I'm scared I'll be alone again, fighting my war
I'm worried that if you left, I'd have nothing to fight for

I don't want to need you
I detest dependance
But without you beside me, nothing seems to make sense

I'm letting down my walls, but keeping my shell
before these few months, I was living in hell
I'm changing my ways for you, can't you tell?
I refuse to slip back into the place where I fell

I guess I just want to be worth your time
to be beautiful for you, so you stay mine

I'm a constant battle over this
I want to starve, live off of cigarettes and your kiss
on the other hand, I know where that will lead,
I need to keep fighting
I won't let you see me bleed.

The times I hate
The day is done
I know a lie
When I’m being raised by one

Bittersweet
almost metallic
your fingers pull me closer
I can't wait anymore
let's digress
into the silence
of understanding
fill in the cracks
while you calm my tremors
Find a new sense of serenity
that I never thought was meant for me
when I found you
I realized you were missing
don't leave me
but don't make promises
that you can't keep
I know that you're under
these starry nights,
with or without me.

Your lips taste like ocean air
I kiss your scars
Trying to hear your story
I shudder with the honesty
Of your salted breath
Your waves crash around me
Encase my curved body
With your fluid hands

In the silence you come to comprehend me
In the space between words
I hear what you mean
I caress your jaw
It feels like a memory

Terrified
Thrilled
With new love electric

Things go so fast
But so it goes
I'll find time
To put a name to how we fit together
So imperfect

Yet I feel at home in the waves
I wonder if I'm worth it
I gasp
I ache for breath
But I'll drown before I pull away

There's no getting tired
Discovering you, entire
So I inhale
Your ocean air

Confusion
sink
you loved me, I think
I am the weakest link
in this false democracy

**** your hypocrisy
I'm getting out of my head
I'll be back when we're dead
everywhere that you tread

time is ticking
distance is tricking
you into oblivion
the war that noone won
you're still fighting but we're done

it's laughable, your pride
the tension in your stride
the pathetic ways you hide

we're right behind you
until you see us
it won't be true

don't look back.

poisoned
like leaves falling from the oak tree
by your parents house when you were young
were you young?
do you remember
lemonade days and summer haze
left alone
to your fears and voices
to your hatred filled choices
poisoned
like gasoline leaking from that rusty truck
parked in our secret place
with no explanation
ruining the make believe
poisoned
like the baby bird you found
cold and still
and heartbreakingly small
we've been poisoned
and no one gives a ****

You see things with new eyes
opening your heart and mind
letting go of truth or lies
reaching out to your insides
slowly crawling with the tide
wasting all the time you bide
when there's nowhere left to hide
at least you know you tried
keep your cravings classified
taste the tears you've cried
hold back while we collide
first we conquer then divide
learn to hang your head with pride
whisper prayers to your bride
never trust those in who you confide
forgive those on whom you relied
let's stay young and never die

She’s hidden
A garden of dreams and buried memories
He craved the air she breathed
you’ll never leave
you’ll never leave
caught up in the seams
she seemed to gleam
secrets and lies
she secretly tries
but no one will believe her
so she plasters roses
on top of her bruises
she tries and loses
loses track of who is
worth running away from
its night so here they come
you better run
you better run

I see the same hope in each person
Painting faces and holding hands
Lying through false teeth
We’re a breed of actors
So encased in your cravings
Your heart will forget to beat
A momentary lapse of routine
And you’ll fight to regain your senses
In the back of your head
You all want the emptiness to win
Because we’re just passing time
Feeding insecurities
Until it’s over
Maybe I’m selfish
Maybe I’m weak
But it's a primal ache
So close but off limits
You all try but I won’t break
You raise this child just to **** it
Ink fills my pores
Forcing me to remember
Your guilty words and painful lectures
Forgetting expression
Brief interactions with perfection
Isolation
Sinking back into a life I’ve lived before
Swiftly slipping into old footprints
I’m not mental
I’m just sick of feeling
But don’t quite give up dear
Because for now I’m still here
At least for tonight
I will sleep by your side
Ill keep on pretending
And you can keep praying
That maybe some day I’ll turn out all right
It becomes more of an instinct as time goes on
Less of a mask
More comfortable than the truth
My palms sweat
And I begin to forget
What brought me here in the first place?
Words are lost to me
I know I have thought
I don’t know what they mean
I need to run but you’re holding my face
Holding me here for as long as you need
I want to be cut open
I want you to see me bleed
You kiss me with amnesia and leave without a trace
I cover my fears with ideas and stories
I want you to notice but you ******* ignore me
That’s why we’re addicted
Medicating our lives
With make believe and lies
Who’s the director?
The church or the people?
Lets hold each other
As the flames climb the steeple

You say I’ve never considered suicide
Not seriously at least
Not enough to lose sleep
You always hear about the cases
But the bridges seem so far away
But when everyone is disappointed
Each smile is an extra effort
It seems so sweet
I can almost taste relief
An end
An escape
How many muscles does it take?
To pull a trigger?
No one will give me an answer to the real question
So what’s the point?
Searching for a purpose
A reason
The music of water filling lungs
Lulls me to sleep
Playing over and over in my dreams
In hopes for a break from reality
I’m trying to think of things I love
But they seem to have faded
I feel lethargic
I’m inhaling an iron aroma
A smell of veins and mind games
Burning flesh and hair in flames
Eyes closing
The pain is gone

Take the taste of proper nouns
Roll it over with your tongue
And keep on marching
Until we say you’re done
Push your convictions into pulp
Squeeze them dry
Drink in the modesty
Swallow the bitter honesty
When you pull away from a kiss
And you can barely remember the feel of her lips
Yet it’s your clearest memory
The comfort in the pressure
body to body
The taste of affection
Of never wanting anything else
The smell of skin so close
Regret tastes like envy
I loved you.
I loved you.
I love you.

Call it what you will
But the voices
Just
      Get
             Louder
Take their words
Take a pill
Make
        Them
                 Prouder
There's only two ways
Up or off the edge
Lets
       Just
               Fly
Our feet can float
Above the ledge
Let
      Me
            Die.

To find a calm state of mind
A meditation to stop
The steady resistance of my brain.

Silence.

Leaving you to the mercy
Of your darkest ambitions
There's no point in running
Continuity is a curse.

I thrive off of change
Your sickly sweet contradictions
Always keep me entertained
Yet another reason to stay insane

Hold in your sentiments

My palms itch from holding on

Remember this jump
As the most graceful thing I've ever done.

I don't want to live long enough
To be a disappointment.

My hair tickles your lower lip
As you lean in
Kiss my forehead

I could think of no better place
Then pressed into your chest

I confess
I'll always be a little bit distant

I like to think that the sunlight
Reflects my smile into my eyes

But I've been known to have delusions
And you'll always be the muse to
My chronic daydreams

Trying to create just a moment of silence
Pure enough to hear my thoughts

But I can't stop the wind
Or my heart beat
Not yet

Its a compromise
To listen to the anxious whirring of my breath
The only constant
But I don't count on it at all

Its just like you said
I wish we had taped it
Like frosting over with a photograph

Your know that I've grown fond
Of finding stories in the ceiling
And we'll lay here
until the paint starts peeling

I'm a ghost of a persona.

until the bath water goes cold
watch the day go dark

Letting unanswered questions fall
Onto the stagnant water
Look into my own glazed eyes
In the waving reflection below your neck

I'm cursed to never understand
How you call just one place home

For now lets pretend like I'll never leave
Breathe in the rising steam
Lets never forget this moment

Tracing your face in charcoal
(I can never get the eyes right)

Counting out the melodies
In the whistle of the wind
Rereading wrinkled obituaries
mouth to mouth
lets pass the smoke
And bathe in our amateur poetry.

Feel my spine against your chest
Watch the shadows drift
We don't need a thing.
Try to forget the minutes
I'll listen to you sing

I never learned not to bite my nails
But hell you still smoke cigarettes
And in our bad habits
We found the closest thing to happiness
That I've ever seen.

We always meant to paint your room
But in the end your empty walls
Were somewhat calming

The moments to fond to remember
Deep between us
Held together in a tangle
Of bones and roots
Though I've thought of what needs to be said
Can we do it?
Take a journey without a return?
Leave your comrades
To their artificial loyalty
And I'll leave the emptiness
Of listening
Stretched out
Your arms itch to collapse
To find a silent solitude
Should we join them?
The lost
The wandering
The enlightened
Thirsty for eternity
We dance and merge together
To make an impact on the light
The shadow of an explosion
Lurching forward
Chasing the lucky ones
We run
Vaguely I considered tripping
But you never did hide well
I guess you've been worried
That we wouldn't come looking
Because no one ever did before
Maybe you're afraid to be alone
That we wouldn't find you soon enough
So I keep running,
Along side you
My heart pumping along with the echo of your foot steps
In sync, we thrive
Overflowing

Hello?
Are you there?
Can you feel the wind pushing our bodies together?
Lets cut off all our hair and **** until daylight
Listen to our favorite songs until we don’t even need to sing along
I’ll let you trace my body on your sheets so you don’t suffer from bad dreams
If you’ll teach me how to run away
You’ve always been the best.
Lets carve new patterns in your palm
Like a maze keeping you in the moment
Lets allow the smoke to tear our lungs
Lets sing jazz and dance to silly love songs
Lets get high and dream up a world of our own
Lets kiss until we can’t tell the difference between our lips
Lets pretend that the clocks have stopped.
Lets embrace the imperfections and be honestly in love
Lets hide where no one will find us,
Because you’re the only person that I still trust.
Lets forget the ******* who didn’t believe
Never cry and keep a smile on your face
You can be the melody
I can be the bass
We can write our own reality into the night
We can finish each other’s sentences
And our history will be engraved
Into melted marble.

Listing reasons for breathing,
Why my heart should keep beating,
It all comes down to you.
You're the reason I put the pills down
You're my anchor, my heart, and my truth.
If I could save you from the world, I would, and I've tried,
I'm protecting You from me every time that I lie.
Because you can't see the bottle, the smoke or the scars,
I'm filled up with monsters, and you can't know what they are.
Binging and purging, starving and carving sin into my skin.
If I hurt me I hurt you,
I live to hear you laugh.
I know you could make it all alone,
But you don't have to do it on your own.
And even if I die tonight
In the end you'll be alright,
You'll hear fire, tearing through the air
big brother don't be scared.
Know the sound of your sister's soul,
Know that the monsters swallowed her whole
You're the strongest man I've ever known
I know your smile better than I know my own
And when I'm only ashes in the air
Remember that I'm always there.

And she ran
Hoping that her crime
May be forgotten
But by the time she made it home
Her twisted grin was rotten
They tied her up, skin against stake
They lit up the flames
They watched her scream and shake
They had forgotten that it was all a game

Can you feel the electricity between our hands?
Daring them to touch
To give in
It's a challenge
Its a question of sin
Almost like a test
I have nothing to lose
I don't even have you
I can feel the churning of your mind
Ideas being analyzed
Inspiration squeezed dry
Imagine if we touched,
Danced,
Loved,
The sparks that could fly
Our dreams would never die,
But you left
You walked away
Leaving me with a smile
At what could have been,
Still on my face

For emptiness,
Or maybe lack of a better word.
I still look at your pictures
I need to be a little more like you
For envy,
I can't wish you well
I don't want you to win
Though I imagine you still do
For pity
I sometimes wonder if you realize
What it is to be truly alive
But who am I to show you?

Breathe with me now
Let your worries melt
In the rays of sunlight hitting your face
Illuminating
Your shoulders drop
The wind plays with your hair
Twisting
Tangling
Touching
Skimming your skin
You hear the whispers
No one else could understand
Your lungs fill
Feel their tension
Release the breath
Along with all discomfort
Through your closed eyes
See the shadows of a cloud pass
Across the sky
Laugh
Hear it echo around you
Leaving the trace of a smile on your face
Stay while it disappears into the air
The breeze carrying it on
Taste the sweet summer
Let it roll around your mouth
Purified
Breathe with me now

I’m lost
It’s 8oclock
the sand beneath my feet slowly rising to my brain
speeding up my pace
I can’t help but feel responsible
Because I let you believe
that you were half broken

The car breaks down
and the window’s still shattered
I lose your touch as we drown
Sending peals of laughter
through the atmosphere
Did they find you?
Or are you still in hiding
Breathing in the embers
feeling your way through
before anyone else could get to you
and leave an impression
Like the hand prints on the sidewalk
grasping for some form of immortality,
you were some kind of magic

You held my face so I couldn’t look away
Your words so achingly innocent
I couldn’t help but believe you
Nothing was more real than your dreams
Following the streets
We look for change
But never kept our inspiration
The lights had dimmed over time
It’s a ****** lullaby
Losing yourself to the wings of desire
You’ve lost your concentration
You’re losing your subtle charms
Looking through your imagination like a kaleidoscope
Mixing and matching the world
So real it kills your senses
Ends the devotion flashing in your eye
The skin of the drum
Pounding to keep you alive
You’re waiting to forget
The devastation of your last cigarette
The flooding of an argument
Against my reason
These are the nightmares
That you wouldn’t believe

These words slip through my lips like a sharks fin
Condemning me to troubled waters
The disease acts like a doctor
A treatment to weeping
An emotion dripping in
Chasing me to the deep end
Time passes as nights bloom
Into an ocean for the stars
Diving, dipping in.

Her parted lips
awake in a sleeping city
And time again drifted away
the hurt of memory along for the ride
Her spine curved over
Tracing the letters of a prayer
Whispered
Collected in my eyes
Injected in my mind
a changing sincerity
her inspiration
Sprinkled across the dark
Of the city’s reflection
We won’t miss a thing.