i feel it in the wind that rattles my window when i can't sleep,
it is always calling out to someone who won't respond.

in the snow that falls and falls and falls and falls,
a fresh start for everything but me.

i feel it in the cars that look like little bugs from my airplane window,
all of them filled with people who are moving and changing and growing.

i am moving too, much faster than them and much higher up,
but i feel like i am at a standstill, stuck in hole and letting time move without me.

on new years, at midnight, taking shots of cider and throwing confetti and wanting to cry,
when my friends aren't enough, when i all i want is to feel his lips on mine but i never can.

i feel it in my folder of school work that i haven't opened yet,
in the thought of going back to take tests and to walk down halls by myself.

i feel it in the three and a half more years before i am free.

in thinking about the future and how many more days they expect me to live through.
in the words i keep repeating in my poems and in the words i don't know how to write.

i feel it in endings and beginnings and in my stupid hope that this year has to be better than the last one.
in the pages of my yearbooks and the texts on my phone and in the mirror every morning.

i feel it in the bottom of my coffee cup and on the underside of my pillow,
in the blanket that holds me when i am afraid nobody ever will. (and they wonder why i love staying in bed.)

(mpr)

You are just an ordinary girl,
with the red lipstick as your shield,
Breathing in the pleasant wordings,
that society itself spills,
You are nothing but a sham,
Beneath that black mascara,
Locks the origin of your charm,
shows the end of your beautiful era.

Oh False Goddess,
You were once pure,
just an ordinary girl,
so ordinary yet extraordinary,
an idea came before that we should marry,
but look at you now,
I feel so displeased,
a thought came into my mind,
"as long as you are pleased",
Today I  lost a friend,
a woman that i knew,
the relationship is at its end,
but every end begins a new.

Oh False Goddess,
I'm begging you please,
strip away the red and black,
to make me feel at ease,
Don't do this to yourself,
for attention and the fame,
you throw away your dignity,
and burn it down to flames.

Oh False Goddess,
My False Goddess,
You are no longer a Goddess,
nor an ordinary girl,
Just a corpse of false beauty,
that's what you are,
the so called Goddess.

The comfort in monotony comes when she doesn't stop loving you.
When your nights are always blessed by the same phrase of affection.
"Dream sweet."
Every night you speak,
I dream sweeter.
And to see her,
Her smile and hair and skin from hundreds away,
Makes me say,
"I love you."

Silently.

My head is hazy with darkened daisies;
There's demons in my room

To myself I lied about all that's inside;
Everything happened too soon

I swear to god I saw faces that nod-
I heard voices in my head

They warned me of lies and trampled butterflies,
But their word to me is dead

The walls are all liquid and my bed is infested-
I do this to myself you know

Seeming to be quite close to becoming full on ghost;
You might as well let me go