I've been begging for the one thing in life that can promise certainty; Death.

Death opened his arms to me, and every demon dragged me by the legs to Death's tempting smile.

I never imagined Death to look like every regret I ever had. He smiled like you, his eyes matched the sky and his voice whispered in the way you did everytime you lied.

Death was friendly; he shook my hand at our first meeting but his grasp was a bit too friendly and a bit too tight. It intrigued me, and it surely intrigued the anger inside of me.

There are two types of demons inside of me, and the strongest ones are masked with your laugh and your memory. Every time you told me you loved me, every time you lied and said "I'm not mad, cuddling is far better," created a breed of demon that begs for Death's kiss.

The other kind, the kind that I may never understand, begs for a love deeper than any body of water you kissed me in. But these demons are afraid of fire, they are afraid of passion. I call these demons Cowardice, and a coward I may be.

Death offered a home for us three, at the cost of giving up the life I had. I begged Death to let me go, but his response was just like yours and I still think of Death's kiss as if it's a reminder of every kiss you place upon my skin.

Sitting in a room of different demons, I wonder how some play so nicely with others.

Maybe this wasn't meant to be, maybe your hopeless-romantic demons cannot grab the attention of my self-hatred that wishes to destroy every hint of love I may conquer.

But I still feel them beg for the warmth of another's skin, so I wrap them in blankets and tangle myself in memories I'd like to forget; the way you'd get tangled in my hair, the way you'd whisper "mine" at every hint of doubt that so selfishly pooled on my face. But my fear never demolished and soon you were gone with the summer.

I beg to not let them win, but I still crawled into your bed every morning with an intent that had set my demons on fire. It was like fighting fire with fire and the flames grew and I let them burn every bridge to the ground.

I took the tools from the shed and built walls higher and stronger than I ever had before and the weight of another on top of me did not break them down like we had intened.

So I watched you pack a suitcase like all the others. "Don't forget your socks," I'd remind you as you'd button your pants again.

I opened the door for you and watched you leave from the broken window, but you never once looked back and all I have left is every bed sheet we crumpled and every memory we demolished.

Your arms gave my demons a home since the afternoon of February 16th, and I knew your ocean eyes could drown them and free me from their grasp. Who knew those eyes would drown me entirely?

But eventually I could feel the darkness bite at the wires in your brain. They rearranged every night and I think you forgot who I was, because once August 24th rolled around, we had confused love and lust as we rolled around in between sheets, and that was the start of months of confusion.

You had changed the codes on every alarm starting September 13th, (or had our distance made me forget?)

By November 24th, I had lost the key and the spare was no longer under the mat. I still wonder how many had forgotten to wipe their feet while I was gone, so I gave up on praying that Venus would save us.

December 13th, my suspicions of your unscared touch every morning had been confirmed. I remember you begging for one more lustful grasp, and I wish I had said no, because when you told me you didn't love me I could barely stop my rageful fits on the bathroom rug.

Your walls came crumbiling down the following February 10th, when you begged me to come back home. But I knew your chest cavity was no longer warm and I felt no safety in the way you looked at me.

I loved you so much, but the calender is my only friend and this calender never lied, but you always will.

i fell into you like water
you are the ocean and i make the waves that push and pull
i forget the last time someone made me feel like i was a child
as if the world was too big but i could still touch each corner
like the flowers grow in plain sight and we watch them until our eyes grow tired
i pretend that we are one in the same
like vines tangled in each other as they crawl up the side of my old house
ill send you postcards from the sky as you look up at the stars and see my face

i fell into you like water
but it never felt like drowning
you pulled me under and wrapped me up in the seaweed
told me it was okay to take a deep breath
your love is like the gills i cannot grow
and breathing under water is as easy as learning to walk

i fell into you like water
and you are the one who taught me how to swim

There are demons inside of me.
They consume my soul,
Destroy my body.
I walk around
As though they do not exist,
Yet the truth remains
No matter how hard I resist.
The darkness germinates in my core,
The roots stretch through my veins,
Each day they grow more.
Through my eyes -
I see shadows,
While cries from Satan's slaves echoe.
Hunting for prey,
Hungry for anything.
I give them myself,
My hollow body means nothing.
As the pain builds inside me, I need a release
I fold myself to fit,
But can't bend to a perfect crease.
So I cut,
And I cut,
Again and again
Your body is a canvas,
But it's not ink in my pen.

To whoever,

I'm hiding this so deep
if my mother knew
she'd weep
im lost
i do whatever i want
no matter the cost
i'm in pain
i can't seem to breakaway
from something so toxic
yet i always come back to play your game
i'm confused
what happened? yesterday you were down
today you refused
your actions leave my heart bruised
Isolated
my best friend left
all i have are these memories
i miss her
come back thats my only request
Voiceless
my mouth is wide open
but nothing is said
i just want to yell
i'm left wordless and distressed
i do as i please
i smoke trees
putting my mind at ease
i stare in the mirror
her appearance is vaunt
but in her eyes you could see the truth
what does she really want?