will i look back at today as a happier day?
stressed out
bumming cigs  
promising myself i would quit on my birthday
even though i've been 'quitting' for 5 months now
i know im happier
but how happy can you really be when you take xanax like candy
and keep it a secret from everyone you  know so they dont worry
how happy can you be when you fantasize about emptying your stomach into a white ceramic bowl because the rush you get afterward is the only truly good feeling you've had for a while
and the only reason you let yourself get close is because he's leaving in a week anyway so it doesn't matter
and besides wasn't one okay **** better than getting close to someone?
have i become so good at feigning happiness im fooling myself?
is that what true happiness is?
all that could make me happy now is a new body with fresh lungs to ruin and a full pack of cigarettes

I got a tattoo 3 days ago
I knew it wasn't a good idea
Because the only thing I was excited for was the sensation of needles
Its a beautiful piece of work even still
Orange and red roses
A woman with flushed cheeks and bright blue eyes
however covering past mistakes with new ones never seems to work out

Sometimes I ignore everything going on in my life because its easier
and then when I'm alone and I try and use cigarettes and TV to distract me
It doesn't work
the world gets so small I can't breath
and I curl up and cry and cry
or sometimes I get up and pace and pace and pace
and every breath I take hurts
and the knots in my stomach and throat are killing me
I have no idea what to do
I have no one to turn to
and I realize how much I have isolated myself
I can't get off my desert island
I thought I wanted solidarity
but I really wanted was safety and security
and being alone is the opposite
it just created a fearful lonely existence

I drank cough syrup until my head felt disconnected from my neck
But attached to my skull
I drown everything out by destroying my liver
And ******* frying my brain
Its a good time
Until you feel like somebody put your head in an oven
and slammed the door
over and over and over
My philosophy that makes this all okay
Is that we all die
And thats just the world
I'll end eventually
With scars on my arms
and on my organs
and on my heart
Not all the therapy in the world can change that
So **** it
I'll drink cough syrup until I have a purple soul

Watching shadows
when I'm with you I feel fine
my one and many
I swear I saw you raise your hand
and wave goodbye
only after confessions
from the lighter parts
of human hearts
Dead things are everywhere
and all I want is to sleep
at the bottom of a crystal lake
or to wait
for moss and flowers
to grow from my eye sockets
that is infinity
and since all things die
I only find peace
and sense
in the infinite sadness

I walk through the fog of my mind
I see the tree branches and tree spirits
I hear the whispering of the wind
The fairy circle is beckoning
I cover myself with flowers
And I lay down
Waiting to rot

When I saw the rush of red
I panicked
sobered up
Ambien no longer had its sleepy hands around my throat
I threw my silver knight against the shower wall
Ran out shivering and naked into the hallway
Dripping life force
I made the mistake of telling someone
Because only the next day in the white four walled cell containing me
Did I realize how much I wanted to no longer exist
I laid in bed for three days on and off crying and shaking
Finally got released
To an even more cold family
Even more estranged from everyone I know
And everyone that thought they knew me
I act happy jump threw your hoops
Make sure I seem back to normal
And every night go to bed
praying to not wake up in this life