I really did love you
I loved you more than you will ever understand
My heart beat for you
I know that's cliche
But its true

I loved you with more than I had
Leaving me in this permanent debt to you
So I couldn't be the strong one in this relationship anymore

I needed you to hold me tight
I need you to protect me
And make sure no one would ever hurt me
But instead I protected you

I'm not strong enough anymore to take care of you
I held you up
And you let me fall
So I shattered

You left this mess
And now if anyone else comes along
They will have to pick up the pieces
Because I am not strong enough

It wasn't all you
I was already cracked
And there were pieces missing
But you said you didn't care
Because you were broken too

So now we both are
And that's okay because  
**I miss you too

I never thought I would need to stay away from trigger warnings
I have always had an intense morbid curiosity
I guess watching 28 Weeks Later right after Sleeping Beauty will do that to a little girl.

But I could handle sadness and pain
Never letting it get to me.
But I guess after reading hundreds of books and poems about
Suicide
Anorexia
Bulimia
Self Harm
It added on to my hate for myself

Subconsciously I realized
If I needed help
I would need to make my emptiness more obvious
If I wanted everyone to see how broken I was
I had to be more obvious

So every time I read one of those books or poems
The next week or so I would replicate their pain
Never to an extreme
And a blade has never touched my skin
I was strong enough to stay away from that

This isn't a cry for help
Because I needed help a long time ago
I can usually deal with it now
All by myself

Smoking is bad for you
I know
I don't know why I started
I just need to feel the smooth paper
In my hand
Fingers intertwined with death

I'm flying while your falling and I don't know what to do.
Your end is much more permanent, and I can't live without you.
Faster and faster my hearts beating now.
Higher and higher we are getting off the ground.
You seem to be stuck on the floor.
I don't know if I can stay with you anymore

Stay with me,
Oh stay with me.
Stay with me until you're sure you won't leave.
Cause I can't take,
Another heartbreak.
I can't just be another mess in your wake.

Cause you're...

Catastrophic, chaotic, no good for me.
Still I find myself yelling please.
Stay with me for just one more night
Stay with me until you see the morning light.

So...

Stay with me,
Oh stay with me.
Stay with me until you're sure you won't leave.
Cause I can't take,
Another heartbreak.
I can't just be another mess in your wake.

No I can't take,
Another heartbreak.
I won't be another girl in your wake.

There is this girl I know
She used to be happy and carefree
She used to laugh and dance
Always seeing the good things in life
In people
Always receiving good in return

Until she stopped receiving good
She received pain
And suffering
And loss
She tried to stay happy
She really did

Then she meet him
He made her scared
He made her quiet
He made her behave
But in the worst way

He left
But she didn't fully come back
Her smiles were a little more forced
And her laughs a little less real

Then he died
She cried
He was her grandfather
They were close
She broke

Time healed her wounds
But they would never close completely
Leaving a gap
Making it easy for someone to slither in
And break her

Then he came
He made her strong
But only when she was with him
He made them one
Attaching hooks in her still open wound
She said no
He said yes
Then he left

She was now half there
But no one knew
Cause she didn't tell anyone
She still hasn't
Her smiles were now plastered on
Her laugh a little more harsh

Then she left
Without a word
Leaving her wondering
What she did wrong
Still to this day
She doesn't know

Now she's here
Pieces being held together
By cigarettes and Jack Daniels
By a pen and notebook
Leaving her smile in pieces
Her laugh in the dark
And her heart destroyed

But no one knows
Cause she hasn't told anyone
But when I look into the mirror
And see her staring at me
I know we never will

It's hard to be happy when you are always telling me how many times I've ****** up.

It'll **** you
They said
As I light one more cigarette

It's bad for you
They said
As I pulled another out of the pack

You'll get addicted
They said
As I buy another carton

That's the point
I said
Watching the smoke disappear